Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Punch Drunk # 30

I enjoy making fun of people. Aside from drinking it's one of the only things I do well. So this week's Punch Drunk was me making fun of people. Enjoy.
Click here or find a delicious print edition of Style Weekly on a street corner near you.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Jack Goes Forth Fantasy Bartending Camp

*Jack Lauterback, area beefcake and one of your trainers at the Jack Goes Forth Fantasy Bartending Camp.

Want to be a real bartender? Fuck bartending school then. That shit is a joke.
Contrary to popular belief, bartending has nothing to do with mixing drinks, flairing, or any of that other BS. That's why I've created the 10 minute long "Jack Goes Forth Fantasy Bartending Camp." To teach you fools what it's like in the real bartending world.

Here's what it entails:

You come to my bar on a Sunday night and give me thirty dollars, and I'll let you take a spin through the custom-made 'Jack Goes Forth Bartending Obstacle Course'. Before any of this I'll make you sign a waiver that grants me zero responsibility for your safety. If you make it through the course with ease, then you a get a piece of receipt paper, signed by yours truly, that officially proclaims you an experienced bartender. This slip gives you the right to use me as a reference for any bartending gigs you apply for. It basically means I'll lie my ass off for you.
It sounds easy right?


No one has ever passed the obstacle course except for me and Dane Acton (and he's been a little off ever since.)

Obstacle Course Rules:

You have 10 minutes to complete the following tasks in any order that you want.

-Serve at least 15 shooters (of all different varieties) with only one tin. (washing the tin out during this process is optional and not recommended). Bachelorettes want their fruity shooters and they want them now.

- Kick someone out of the bar for any reason, or no reason at all. This one is easy as during your ten minutes, at least one hobo will wonder in and start panhandling at the tables in the dining room. You get extra points for using force. Infact you fail the obstacle course completely if you don't use brute force to remove someone from the premises.

- Added bonus for kicking out a friend or family member.

- To simulate a real Sunday I will be at the corner of the bar and will continually cut off the music (you better haul ass to the stereo and fix that shit quick), I will berate you for how shitty of a bartender you are, I will throw things, I will wonder into the kitchen (you better drop everything and grab me because 'that's not the fucking bathroom asshole!') , I will paw at your girlfriend's breast, I will start doing drugs on the bar, I will.... You get the point. Just keep your eye on me because I'm a troublemaker and I won't be the only troublemaker out getting blasted on a Sunday night, trust me.

- Yell, a lot. I don't care what you're yelling about or if you're just yelling to yourself. I don't want to see any semblance of calm on your face. This is war man!

- Shit, the keg went out. Sprint to the back and change out the keg. But oh shit, there aren't any kegs left. Sprint back to the bar and explain this to the customer. Then erase the beer on their tab and get them something else. Then listen to them bitch until you decide to just pull their drink off the bar and smash it all over the floor. Then kick them out. (This entire process should only take about 45 seconds)

- Someone will stiff you on a tip. I promise this will happen during your 10 minute session. I can't tell you how to handle this situation but I'll be watching so don't fuck up. My only advice when dealing with non-tippers: WWJD... What Would Jack Do? Let that guide you.

- Grab a knife for something (fruit? if we have any) and cut the living shit out of your finger. I want to see gushing. Use the blood to make tribal warrior marks all over your face. Then, in a brave act of heroism, wad up a ball of cocktail napkins and rubber band them tightly over the wound. There's no time for band aids or disinfectant or cleaning the blood off of people's glasses.....Didn't you fucking hear me??? This is war man!!!!

- Smoke a cigarette and talk shit with your friends for a few minutes.

- Wash your hands. Ha, I'm kidding.

- See at least one set of boobs. No raping either. This must be accomplished through your charm and wit with the ladies. Obviously you won't have a tenth of my success in this department, but you have to try.

- Text 4 or 5 friends and tell them to get their asses down to the bar. Do this while leaning on the bar and blatently ignoring customers.

- Do 20 push-ups. Why? Because I said so fat boy.

Accomplish all of these tasks in under 10 minutes while simultaneously keeping the bar spotless, checking every ID that walks through the door, keeping your customers drinks full, and keeping all tabs up to date and accounted for, and you will have made it through the obstacle course.

For an additional 500 dollars I will allow you to bartend the entire evening as I sit at the bar and get smash-mouthed. All tips you get will go to me, but you can keep the experience gained and the lessons learned.

Any jackass can make a drink... This however, is where the bartender boys become bartender men...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Punch Drunk # 29

This week's Punch Drunk is by most accounts, me completely mailing some shit in. But unlike my blog, which I can erase at will, this Punch Drunk column is now in 60,000 print copies of Style Weekly. I wrote about Steven Slater, who unless you live under a rock, you have surely heard about.

On a bright note, I did cuss a lot in this column. There would have been many more expletives but my editors said no way Jose. Read it here or find a print edition of Style.

Monday, August 16, 2010

The Bartender Hates You

A few of my bartender buddies pointed me towards these web shorts called 'The Bartender Hates You', which are basically customers doing all of the annoying things that they do and then the bartender being a complete dick to them in return.

Okay, I admit it, I've been known to have more than a few asshole episodes behind the bar. Every bartender does it from time to time.... That's why these videos are so funny and so viciously true.

I posted three below and there's over 40 of them on You Tube.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Punch Drunk # 28 (Bear Fight!!!!!)

This week's Style Weekly column is devoted to the worst shot known to man, 'The Bear Fight'. Read about it here or find a print edition on a street corner near you.

-Editor not responsible for any death, injury, or blindness caused by some idiot consuming a bear fight after the reading of this column.

Monday, August 2, 2010


Richmond Magazine recently released its best and worst of Richmond issue and somehow my name appeared in it a few times. In addition to being named the best bartender in the city (which is a sick joke and has most of my bartending peers falling off their bar stools with laughter), I also finished second in the 'Best Local Up and Comer' category to one of my frequent bar patrons, local young stud Trevor Dickerson.

Yeah I'm real up and coming.... I'm hungover on a Monday and have somehow contracted pink eye for the second time in as many months. Yay me.

Also Richmond Mag's departing drinks columnist, the stylish Jason Tesauro, gave me a shout out in his final column. I'd rather have a case of wine from the vineyard he shills for. I'm waiting for my bottle of Barboursville Octagon Jason...Any year will do...

Okay enough patting myself on the back for today. I'm gonna lay in bed now and watch Family Guy. I might even masturbate..... Yep, I'm a real winner.