Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Stripper Tippers

I could smell them as they mounted the stairs and entered the bar. Eau de stripper. A musk that only a stripper just off her shift, unshowered and covered in perfume, can emanate.

All three of them were curvaceous and under dressed in a manner that would make Dita Von Teese blush.

They ordered the usual fare: Jagermeister, Sex On The Beach, 'Something fruity and strong.'

The conversation ranged from how their last husband/boyfriend beat them to how much one of the girls was about to receive in her divorce settlement from a man 19 years her senior. Then they spoke about the drugs they were on, the drugs they have done, the drugs they will do... Girls of this ilk do hard drugs. A shit-ton of hard drugs....

The one male in the group was covered in tattoos and wore a bandanna. He could've just walked off the set of Son's Of Anarchy. He was putting the girls on his tab and one of them whispered to me that he was absolutely loaded. Something about an inheritance.

His talk was lewd even by my standards. He continued to introduce me to each girl with the line, 'this is my future bitch of an ex-wife.' He continually applied cologne. He told me that his charm was the key, and that my height and looks were nothing. I agreed as I laughed nervously.

The stench in the bar made me gag and I took a cigarette break in an effort to breathe easy...When a smoke is a way of breathing easy...Well, you get it.

The girls were sucking down the drinks and the man's tab continued to rise.

I feared the worst. I feared a declined card. Maybe a stolen card. Maybe even them just walking out and not paying a cent. Even with only one male amongst the group, this was not a crew that I would ever want to tangle with solo.

I called last call and handed the man his tab. Without blinking an eye he tipped me 40 percent on a tab that was well above 150$. He smiled, lit his cigar and told me that I was a good bartender. This area of the bar was non-smoking, but I smiled back and told him to smoke away.

I've learned time and time again to not judge a man's (or a woman's) character based on their appearance, but I do it sometimes. And in this case I was wrong, again.

When it looks like a stripper, smells like a stripper, and it talks about how their ex-husband used to beat the holy hell out of them.... They will be good tippers. It's a rule, not an exception.

They've been in much worse trenches than you have....Much much worse.

Also, if a man is trying to bang three strippers, thank the gods because he will tip you like a pasha.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Punch Drunk # 27

New Punch Drunk in this week's issue of Style Weekly. I made fun of City Councilman Charles Samuel's rediculous new 'Dance Hall' ordinance and I recapped all of the guns-in-bars-insanity that I've endured over the past few weeks. Read it here or find a print edition on a street corner near you.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I'm Big With The Gays

Wanted to give a quick shout out to fellow blogger, gay activist, and funny-ass motherfucker Kelly Stern (pictured above on the left, on the right is his soon to be husband Jeff). Much like myself Kelly enjoys his vodka and says whatever he wants, whenever he wants to say it. This past Friday these guys came by Havana 59' to see me at happy hour and to finally introduce themselves. That's good people right there.

Thanks guys. I haven't laughed that hard in awhile. Check out Kelly at his blog (Rambling Along). Be forewarned, he likes to get drunk and put up pictures of himself in his underwear, a lot. I'm told he has a monster gay following.

*Me being absolutely fabulous. I'm pretty sure I was gay in a past life. Or I'm unknowingly gay in this life.....That would really explain why my asshole is so sore after every time I wake up from a black out...And why I've been shitting out condoms lately.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

NBC 12 Gun Debate Is Online

You can also view this afternoon's gun debate on NBC 12 between myself and Mr. Philip Van Cleave, the president of the Virginia Citizen's Defense League, at this link:

Some final thoughts on today's debate:

-I want to thank Mr. Van Cleave for coming out. I disagree with him but he was nothing but cordial when I met him and when I shook his hand in the parking lot afterwards. I respect a man who will stand up (in public) for what he feels is right, regardless of his views.

- I would also like to thank Ryan Nobles for taking a big chance by putting this live debate on air. He admitted to us beforehand that this is something new for NBC12 and that he didn't know what to expect. He trusted me to not drop an F-bomb or get crazy, so I give him credit.

- There were also gun fanatics outside of the studio filming me, as they apparently have been doing lately without my knowledge. This includes secretly filming me behind the bar while I was working. Creepy, I know.

- While there clearly wasn't enough time for either Mr. Van Cleave or myself to really get our points across, it was an informing segment for the general populace. Van Cleave made all of the points that the gun nuts usually make and I laughed my way through the whole thing because of how ridiculous these people and this law are. My friends and most sane people will say I won, his gun nut buddies will say the opposite. There was not a winner though....

My point will only be proven when an innocent restaurant bystander dies either inadvertently or maliciously at the hands of a concealed weapons permit holder. It's sad, but that's just the way the cookie will crumble.

Monday, July 12, 2010

L.V.G. 'Shots To Kill'

My friends got creative. Image courtesy of Brian Mount.

After Wednesday I'll probably never mention the word GUN again. This is just getting boring now. How someone can devote their every waking moment to discussing gun law is just baffling. I prefer having fun and getting laid. Anywho, I still plan on mopping the floor with this dude on live TV.... Tune in bitches!

Also if this whole situation gets turned into a made for TV movie, I will only allow Robert Pattinson to play me.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Punch Drunk # 26

This week in Style Weekly I went after another hallowed Virginia institution, The Alcohol Beverage Control. As with most of the things I write, I pulled no punches. Go read it here or pick up a print edition of Style.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

Guns and Alcohol


Instead of letting these morons crush me in their 'open carry forums' and on, I've decided to redact this post, but I am not backing down. Let me explain.

Other than an anonymous death threat I received, no one has contacted me directly. They have contacted the bars where I work and the paper that I write for, and they were met with laughter. Guess what fuckers, I'm not losing my job over some gun-totin' crybabies.

So in lieu of you geniuses going behind my back I've decided to extend an invitation to debate this new law on any of the local networks, radios, street corners, anywhere. This is a hot button issue and I've managed to make Charlton Heston turn over in his grave, so I don't think it'll be a major hassle to set this up. A couple of local newscasters have already contacted me about all of this bullshit.

My first invitation goes to 'Sah Runicible Cannon' (Use your best Foghorn Leghorn voice when saying his name), the owner of the website This man told me via Twitter that he has no interest in bringing his gun to late night bars, and that he only wishes to carry a concealed pistol to Chipotle for lunch. I shit you not, he said this. I say I say, bring it on sah. (Via Twitter: @RichmondGuns I'm sure someone will step forward but it won't be me. I value my privacy and I don't see any point in 'debating' you.) You don't see any point? What has this all been for? This whole argument? You don't see any point? Are you blind?

My second invitation goes out to 'Lawyer Mike' , the man behind the website '', who has been gracious enough to avoid contacting me, instead he has called Style Weekly and Cha Chas Cantina, two of my employers.

Not his exact words but from what I hear this is pretty close to what he said: 'I want that boy firrraird. I done contacted the pooolice. He threatened my laaaffe.' (Again use your best Foghorn Leghorn when repeating those words.)

So 'Lawyer Mike', you want to not be a coward and maybe try coming directly to me? You are a lawyer right? You served 20 years in the Army right? You could probably make short work of me right?

Anyone else who wants to accept the challenge is welcome to contact me also.

Everyone is also welcome to bring their concealed weapon to the debate just in case we get invaded by Mexico or something. You just never know... I mean I nearly piss my pants every time I walk into a Chipotle.