Thursday, April 29, 2010

Mission Statement

"What keeps a hotel (or restaurant) going is the fact that the employees take a genuine pride in their work, beastly and silly though it is. If a man idles, the others soon find him out, and conspire to get him sacked. Cooks, waiters and plongeurs differ greatly in out-look, but they are all alike in being proud of their efficiency."

-George Orwell (Down And Out In London and Paris)

It is beastly, it is silly, and at times, it sucks my pale white ass. But regardless of whether you're a 40 year old lifer bartender or a 22 year old just trying to work your way through college, do me a favor when you're serving the masses: Don't slack off.

There's a certain pride in restaurant work, a certain self-respect that comes with finishing a particularly brutal shift, a certain self-satisfaction that only a true blue collar worker can know.

Don't waste our fucking time if you're going to slack off and bitch. I see it every day, and I call people on it every day. It's my job, and I bust my ass to do it well. If you want to be in a cubicle, drop your bar-rag and get the fuck out of my way.

Until I'm back to pushing pencils and contemplating suicide, this is my job, and I'm gonna do it better than you.

Funny Bar Exchanges

Gay guy who leered at me all night: "Can I give you my number?"

Me: "No"

Gay guy who leered at me all night: "Can I have your number?"

Me: "No"

Gay guy who leered at me all night: "Okay, well thanks anyways."

Me: "No"

I guess you sort of had to be there to appreciate this one.

Another Bartender: "Listen these shots didn't just make themselves, so you know, lets see some boobs."

Yes, we can be a bit direct at times, and yes, she complied.... Bartending gives you a perverse, yet realistic sense of power.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Punch Drunk # 21

New Punch Drunk out in Style Weekly today. This week I discussed my penchant for Gin. Then I got drunk and started acting really bizarre.

I can't explain it. Just go read it here or find a print edition on the streets.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

My TV Pitch

I used to be a huge fan of the Comedy Central show "Insomniac with Dave Alltel". The basic premise is Dave visits random cities, hits bars (mostly dives), gets drunk, says funny things, meets a bunch of freaks and then gets more drunk. It really made for entertaining TV. After four seasons the show ended, presumably because it got too big and Dave couldn't enter a bar without being mobbed by frat boys.

The idea of following a drunken comic, with his brand of humor (think very very adult), and then allowing him to do whatever he wants (which included getting high and although never shown on camera, doing blow) was awesome.

I'd like to do a show like this, only different.

My version would be much much darker, which is tough because Alltel is known for his dark brand of humor.

In edition to doing blow and getting high, the show would feature me getting into fights, picking up hookers, paying bums to fight, saying things that would have every association north of PETA wanting to kill me and generally behaving like, well, myself. It wouldn't be comedic, it would be more like a dramedy. I would purposely try to get into super-awkward situations in which the viewer would really have no choice but to change the channel. Sort of like the show "Intervention", only the exact opposite. Or like "No Reservations", only hold the food, up the drinking and cussing, and then throw in a splash of local bar history or city knowledge in an attempt to fool people that the show serves some sort of purpose, which of course, it will not.

The first season would gain a cult following because I would end up in Jail at some point, there would be graphic nudity, I'd be banned from certain cities and also the wildely popular hobo fights. I'd have people such as Doug Stanhope, Mickey Avalon and Artie Lange on with me and we would get into only the most lurid types of trouble.

People would protest the show and spit at me on the streets. The show would end after one season but I would still make a mint off the DVD sales.

I imagine this would have to be on a premium channel such as Showtime, HBO or maybe Spice. Although FX is known for pushing the envelope here and there.

These are the things I daydream about at 4 PM on a Wednesday. Sad... I know.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Hendrick's Gin, Reviewed

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes." -Oscar Wilde, notorious Gin imbiber and all-around funny guy.

Hendrick's Gin is a must buy. In addition to having a deliciously cool, cucumber finish, it comes in a badass apothecary-style bottle. Tear the label off, invite your friends over and tell them it's a magic elixir that you got from some traveling salesman/carnie. They'll be impressed.

Mix with tonic if you must, but Hendrick's begs to be drank up, ice cold, bone dry and garnished with about 15 cucumber slices.

What? You don't like Gin? Learn to like it.

Vodka is dead.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Funny Bar Exchanges From The Weekend

Me: "C'mon those puppies are fake. They're like two rocks up there."

Female Customer: "Oh you don't think my boobs are real? Everyone in this group behind me has felt em and they're real. Here, grab one."


Some Guy: "It smells like vomit in here."

Me: "Hmmm... Hey can you do a lap around the restaurant and find the puddle for me? I'm sort of busy."


Drunk Girl: "Make me an Octo-Blaster shot!"

Me: "Never heard of it, but I'll make you a green shot with a bunch of shit in it and you won't know the difference."

Drunk Girl: "Yaaaayyyy!!!!!"


Some Guy: "Yo lemme get some mo Goose in this drink."

Me: "Yo lemme get ten mo dollas."


Con Man: "Hey dog, I ordered chicken, not beef."

Me: "Oh my fault, although I noticed you've already eaten the whole thing...Sooooo... Do you want another plate with chicken? Or...."

Con Man: "Well you messed up my order."

Me: "You're correct and I apologize, and I would have been glad to get the kitchen to fix you the correct plate, but, well, you already ate everything."

Con Man: "So is it free?"

Me: "No sir. But I can provide you with your original order, meaning you get two meals for the price of one."

Con Man: "What? I ain't hungry now."

Me: "Yeah me neither. I had Taco Bell earlier. Their ground beef wasn't free either. So what's it gonna be?"

(He paid and I gave him a free margarita.... You win some, you lose some.)


Nascar Hat Guy: "Hey gimme some of Coors and some Jagersssmeisters."

Me: "I'll give you a water, but I'm not going to serve you any alcohol. You're too drunk."

Nascar Hat Guy: "Hey fucks you man...I'lls fucks you up." (Then he fell down.)

Me: "Fastest knock-out ever."

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Punch Drunk # 20

This week I profiled long time Richmond bartender Sean Telliard, head barman at Morton's Steakhouse. I also introduced my mouth to an Irish Whiskey that is not Jameson or Bushmills, and loved it. Read the piece here or go find a print edition of Style Weekly on the streets.

Would You Care For A Salt Rim?

"In fact, Margaritas up, with salt, recently tied Old-Fashioneds, in an informal poll of my bartenders, as the most irritatingly labor-intensive drinks we'll actually deign to make." - Excerpt from "Cosmopolitan: A Bartender's Life", Toby Cecchini

I don't think I'd be too far off base by saying that I've made more margaritas (mostly on the rocks) in the past two years than any other bartender in Richmond. There's a few guys that probably have me beat (Banditos comes to mind), but it's close. I guess it was annoying at first, but now whenever a service ticket pops up with 7 happy hour margaritas, I don't even blink. My muscle memory kicks into cruise control and those things are out to the floor staff in what feels like giga-seconds. Of course I try to take my time whenever some elitist wants more of a luxury Margarita, but these things can only be so fancy. People come up and say, "I'll have a Cadillac Margarita", or "Gimme your Ultimate Margarita." This isn't Chili's and we don't have any ridiculous names for our Margaritas but I know what these people want. They want Patron and they want to be charged 12 bucks, so I happily oblige them.

On the topic of Old Fashioneds. I've made about 10 in three years, and it wasn't at my current bar. If someone comes into work tonight and orders an Old Fashioned, I will drop dead from the shock. Then I'll come back to life and tell them that we don't have any oranges or cherries anyways and would they not care for a "Super Platinum, Rolls Royce Margarita" instead? Its got Patron and Grand Marnier in it!!!!

Friday, April 9, 2010

Pop Quiz

a) Fellow bartender Dane Acton wouldn't stop grabbing my ass every time I passed, so I punched the shit out of him.

b) Fellow bartender Dane Acton challenged me to a punch off and promptly knocked me unconscious after this picture was taken.

c) I continued to refer to fellow bartender Dane Acton as....Anne D'Acton. This prompted him to challenge me to a duel. Which as you can see, I won.

d) Fellow bartender Dane Acton told me that my Dirty Martinis were slightly too dirty for his tastes, so I knocked him on his ass.

e) This picture is staged. Fellow bartender Dane Acton and I are quite gay and thus scared to engage in any real fisticuffs.

Monday, April 5, 2010

Letter To The Editor

I wrote myself this letter over two years ago. It's funny because here we are two years later and nothing has really changed.

Dear Me,

I want to congratulate you, or I should say us, on being such smashing sexy successes in 2007. Lets run down what made the last year of our life so incredibly awesome. We managed to work for two different employers and still end the year unemployed and with virtually no prospects. I really want to pat us on the back for such a show of incompetence and utter laziness. We proved that money and bills mean absolutely nothing to us.

-An 89% condom usage rate!!! We managed to shatter our previous record of 40% set in 2005. Somehow all of those fearful trips to the free clinic and the multiple cotton swabs to the pee-pee hole finally scared us straight.

-Though I don't have the numbers to back this up, it would be safe to say that 2007 was our heaviest drinking year yet. We really took our "college-self" out behind the tool shed and kicked his bitch-ass. He couldn't keep up with the new and improved drinking 'us'. Also judging by the huge facial scar and multiple condom wrappers found behind the bed, I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say that we blacked out in 2007 more than any other previous years. Na zdrowie!

-2007 also held another first for us. More broken promises. Our lack of follow-through in 2007 was simply astounding. By checking our voicemail I can count 13 unreturned calls from last week alone. Do the math. That's us avoiding responsibility and work with amazing discipline. Keep it up you!

-Another great new thing I've noticed about our self in 2007 was the complete lack of restraint in social settings. We cussed at bosses, parents, waiters, strangers... It was really charming and at times a bit terrifying how we refused to take crap from anyone, anywhere, anytime. Regardless of the consequences, we made it known how we felt. Social tact be damned!

-And last but not least, through all the drinking, drugs, sex, shameless self-promotion, avoidance of work, sloth, etc... We did do one thing exceptionally well.... We always kept it sexy. It may have something to do with all the product we use in our hair, but seriously, we never had a hair out of place in all of 2007. I mean damn....We really looked good.

Good work me.

Keep it up.

Your Lover,