Thursday, February 25, 2010

Glock Cup

"At first glance, this looks like a normal party cup. However, if you look close enough, you will see that it is really a fully automatic Glock 18C. You will be able to pour your enemies a nice warm cup of lead with this fine purchase. Asking $900 for the gun/cup combo". -

I'm considering purchasing this for the bar, especially now that VA Senate Bill 334 has passed. The bill allows for concealed guns in bars. I'm not totally on board with this whole drunken customers packing heat thing, but as long as I have my trusty glock-cup... I'll feel safe.

"Sir here's your cold pint of SLUG TO THE FACE!!!!!!" POP POP POP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Yeah I got your caffeine-free soda right here dickhead."

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

The Barbots Are Learning At A Geometric Rate! Pull The Plug!

Great, now not only do I have to worry about the young Richmond turks trying to take my job, but also these new, cold, metallic pieces of drink-pouring perfection. The rise of the robot bartenders has begun. The prophecy of Terminator 1 has been fulfilled.

With names like Barnold, iLush and Cosmobot, plus drinks that are poured more precisely than any human being could ever match, these things are the real deal. "Chapek" (see above) can even utter witty one-liners as he makes you a drink. “Hey, have you ever dated a robot before? I used to date a vacuum cleaner. It sucked.”

Uh-oh. Even his material is better than mine.

Okay fine, so these things are technically superior to me. But where's that human touch? That wink of an eye? That personal connection you feel with a bartender you really like?

Let me ask you this: Can these robots have sex with their customers??? Huh? I didn't think so. Although when robot bartenders are able to sleep with people, they will probably be more technically proficient than me in that area also. Damn you science!!!

Clearly I must create my own bartending robot and send him back to 2006 so he can kill the man responsible for these pieces of bartending demonry.

For the full robot bartender article click here.

Monday, February 22, 2010

Sunday Night Bartender

I bartend most Sunday nights. It's a blessing and a curse for a few reasons.

If you're new to this blog let me key you in on something. I enjoy drinking. Drinking, talking shop about drinking, bartending, knowing I'm about to go enjoy cocktails with friends, un-corking a good bottle of wine, tasting new liquors...This is what I do and what I love. This is how I was raised. It's my milieu. Some naysayers will refer to this as alcoholism, but I prefer to think of it as research and development. Moving on.

Sunday night is industry night. It's a professional drinking night. It's universally known that Friday and Saturday are for amateurs. Then the aforementioned amateurs, cube-dwellers and drunken apes stay in on Sunday nights and watch Animation Domination on FOX, while we (bar people, creative types, unemployed) are out hitting our favorite bars, caging free drinks from copacetic bartenders and generally behaving like the buffoons that we served over the weekend.

It's a blessing because I make money from all the free-wheeling industry-types who have an endless roll of twenties from the weekend and it's a curse because I'm a free-wheeling industry-type with a bankroll and an unquenchable thirst. Most of you know, but for those who don't, Sunday is the best night (and day) of the week to drink. Here's why:

- Girls that are out drinking on a Sunday night are easier. Think of it this way, if a girl has a real 9 to 5 and is still out party-hardying on a Sunday, she's probably willing to have sex with you. I'm not going to explain it, just trust me. I see it all the time. On the other hand if a girl doesn't have a 9 to 5 and is out getting wrecked on a Sunday then she probably works in a restaurant or is a creative type and she will definitely have sex with you. I know this is hard to understand, but you really have to take my word for it. I'm hardly an expert in these matters, but I know more than most.

- Less crowded, less Ed Hardy idiocy to deal with. There are bars I love and frequent but would never go near on a Friday or Saturday. Actually that goes for almost every bar in the city but keep in mind that I like drinking in solitude. On the topic of Ed Hardy/Affliction/"you scuffed my Puma's" people who must start fights. You people suck.

Strangely enough the worst brawls I've seen or participated in have occurred on Sundays. When I say "participated in", I mean "sucker-punched and then let my bouncers do the dirty work". So, yeah, I suck also.

- Cheaper drinks. Regardless of whether you have ever served a table, you will find cheap drinks. Usually of the 2 dollar well-liquor variety.

- No road blocks, very few cops out. Not that you should drive drunk, but if you must, aim for Sunday.

- It's called Sunday Funday for a reason. First and foremost, day-drinking is unquestionably the most exciting thing in the entire world other than sex, crapping and sneezing. Tailgating, sitting on a patio, sitting on a curb, sitting in a darkened barroom...It's all gravy if you're drinking and it's daytime. There's actually an underground society of Sunday day-drinkers in Richmond that float from bar to bar in the fan and get housed. You can usually spot them in the vicinity of Banditos.

- Did I mention that girls (and guys) are better looking on Sundays? I'm kidding. This is Richmond.
(Disclaimer: I have a girlfriend and this knowledge is completely useless to me, therefore I'm passing it on to you. Go forth young man.)

*Grrr. We no like customers!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Punch Drunk # 16

New Punchy Drunkie out today in Style Weekly. This week I discussed license plates and abortion. It's not about drinking or sex, it's about license plates and abortion.... Sad as that is, it's still pretty comical. Go check it out here or find that big red box with an (S) on its chest.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Atlantic City Haiku

In honor of me going to Atlantic City this week I've pulled out some haiku that I wrote last year after a trip there for a bachelor party. I'm not a poet, but I do like hentai porn so that pretty much makes me an authority on haiku.

(From 6-08) First hour blackjack/ Down three hundred very fast/ Drinking heals pain

Strippers hotter there/ Play us like "rich kid" fiddles/ They're stone cold pros

Mom- Daughter Combo/ Jack is in it to win it/ Alcohol fools eye

Ballys is monstrous/ Walking places pain in ass/ Casino rapes me

Discrete sunglass looks/ Beach bar drinking, Sun makes worse/ Chat up many girl

They look underage/ How did they just buy that booze?/ Lets re-examine

Why take bong hitter?/ Afternoon pass out naked/ Rally for nighttime

Seagulls are angry/ Tourists have hardened resolve/ Eat in fear of birds

Dancing like Jagger/ Many hot girls at beach bar/ Booze makes me charming

Two German Au Pairs/ Take them to Jay Z's nightspot/ Twelve-fifty vodka

Hall way making out/ Not a proud moment, again/ Alcohol fools eye
That is a strange place/ For a mole. It's not benign/ Let us not have sex

Atlantic City/ Many women, surprise us/ Fun weekend, now broke.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

You Can't Keep A Good Man Down

Sam Moore and the best little whorehouse in Richmond (Club Velvet) are back in the news, again.
I love this guy. He's so prolific. You would think he would want some time away from the spotlight for once, but no, not ol' Sam. He's changing Club Velvet from a seedy strip joint, to a household name. Previous claims to fame for Velvet and Mr.Moore include underage sex, drugs, divisive political banners hung outside of the establishment, underage drinking, murder acquittal (seriously), and the ongoing saga of whether or not the poopy pants on the ABC board are going to shut down the club.

This place is off the charts in terms of name recognition. My 12 year old niece asked me the other day, "Jack, what is Club Velvet? Can I go there?" My reply was, "Of course darlin', might as well start job-hunting early." The sarcasm was lost on her.

So this time Sam was arrested and accused of threatening a police officer over the phone. Apparently one of Sam's employees had the officer call Mr. Moore over some alleged dispute and my boy Sam got angry and started threatening violence against the officer. (NBC 12 news story here.)

It doesn't take a genius to figure this one out. I'm guessing that Sam and this police officer were nailing the same stripper. There's your whole case. The officer got mad, Sam got a little steamed... You can fill in the blanks.

Fellas, calm down. There are plenty of easy women in this town. This is nothing that can't be settled with the butt of a revolver, a body bag, a shovel and a field in Powhatan county. Hell maybe even afterwards you two can go out for a steak and some single malt scotch.

If you do, please email me. I'd kill (the stripper) to be there for that.

*Sam Moore. I bet his truck is bullet-proof. I can't even imagine what kind of enemies Sam has made who want him dead....And now he's fucking with police officers?! Don't you go dying on me Sammy. I still have to ghost-write your autobiography.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Punch Drunk # 15

Want to know where the bartender drinks? This week in Style Weekly I made a short list of my favorite places to drink in RVA. Click here to read it online or pick up a print version of Style all over the city.