Thursday, February 25, 2010
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Uh-oh. Even his material is better than mine.
Okay fine, so these things are technically superior to me. But where's that human touch? That wink of an eye? That personal connection you feel with a bartender you really like?
Let me ask you this: Can these robots have sex with their customers??? Huh? I didn't think so. Although when robot bartenders are able to sleep with people, they will probably be more technically proficient than me in that area also. Damn you science!!!
Clearly I must create my own bartending robot and send him back to 2006 so he can kill the man responsible for these pieces of bartending demonry.
For the full robot bartender article click here.
Monday, February 22, 2010
If you're new to this blog let me key you in on something. I enjoy drinking. Drinking, talking shop about drinking, bartending, knowing I'm about to go enjoy cocktails with friends, un-corking a good bottle of wine, tasting new liquors...This is what I do and what I love. This is how I was raised. It's my milieu. Some naysayers will refer to this as alcoholism, but I prefer to think of it as research and development. Moving on.
Sunday night is industry night. It's a professional drinking night. It's universally known that Friday and Saturday are for amateurs. Then the aforementioned amateurs, cube-dwellers and drunken apes stay in on Sunday nights and watch Animation Domination on FOX, while we (bar people, creative types, unemployed) are out hitting our favorite bars, caging free drinks from copacetic bartenders and generally behaving like the buffoons that we served over the weekend.
It's a blessing because I make money from all the free-wheeling industry-types who have an endless roll of twenties from the weekend and it's a curse because I'm a free-wheeling industry-type with a bankroll and an unquenchable thirst. Most of you know, but for those who don't, Sunday is the best night (and day) of the week to drink. Here's why:
- Girls that are out drinking on a Sunday night are easier. Think of it this way, if a girl has a real 9 to 5 and is still out party-hardying on a Sunday, she's probably willing to have sex with you. I'm not going to explain it, just trust me. I see it all the time. On the other hand if a girl doesn't have a 9 to 5 and is out getting wrecked on a Sunday then she probably works in a restaurant or is a creative type and she will definitely have sex with you. I know this is hard to understand, but you really have to take my word for it. I'm hardly an expert in these matters, but I know more than most.
- Less crowded, less Ed Hardy idiocy to deal with. There are bars I love and frequent but would never go near on a Friday or Saturday. Actually that goes for almost every bar in the city but keep in mind that I like drinking in solitude. On the topic of Ed Hardy/Affliction/"you scuffed my Puma's" people who must start fights. You people suck.
Strangely enough the worst brawls I've seen or participated in have occurred on Sundays. When I say "participated in", I mean "sucker-punched and then let my bouncers do the dirty work". So, yeah, I suck also.
- Cheaper drinks. Regardless of whether you have ever served a table, you will find cheap drinks. Usually of the 2 dollar well-liquor variety.
- No road blocks, very few cops out. Not that you should drive drunk, but if you must, aim for Sunday.
- It's called Sunday Funday for a reason. First and foremost, day-drinking is unquestionably the most exciting thing in the entire world other than sex, crapping and sneezing. Tailgating, sitting on a patio, sitting on a curb, sitting in a darkened barroom...It's all gravy if you're drinking and it's daytime. There's actually an underground society of Sunday day-drinkers in Richmond that float from bar to bar in the fan and get housed. You can usually spot them in the vicinity of Banditos.
- Did I mention that girls (and guys) are better looking on Sundays? I'm kidding. This is Richmond.
(Disclaimer: I have a girlfriend and this knowledge is completely useless to me, therefore I'm passing it on to you. Go forth young man.)
*Grrr. We no like customers!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
In honor of me going to Atlantic City this week I've pulled out some haiku that I wrote last year after a trip there for a bachelor party. I'm not a poet, but I do like hentai porn so that pretty much makes me an authority on haiku.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
*Sam Moore. I bet his truck is bullet-proof. I can't even imagine what kind of enemies Sam has made who want him dead....And now he's fucking with police officers?! Don't you go dying on me Sammy. I still have to ghost-write your autobiography.