Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Print newspapers continuing their downward spiral. This is clearly wishful thinking on my part because I write for a reputable paper but who am I kidding? Papers are for the baby boomers and the greatest generation, the latter of which will no longer exist soon.
The continued proliferation of flavored liquor. The other day I had a ten minute conversation with an ABC guy about bacon-flavored vodka. When will this shit end? People need to aim for quality, not bubble gum and grape infused crap. Although I will be tasting the bacon vodka when given the chance. C'mon, it's bacon and alcohol. A killer combo.
Bar sales decreasing. The Recession means nothing to my employers and I. People need to get stanky drunk on the regular.
Condom sales increasing. I'm over these damn things. You are too. Admit it.
Blow jobs. Are at a premium in the Jack Goes Forth camp. Sigh.
Me cutting back on the drinking. I want too, badly. Like, really badly.
Me not getting my own apartment and sparing my Mom from having to hear me have sex.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Monday, December 21, 2009
Two hours later they walk back in. This time two of them order Vodka Redbulls. One is the designated driver and he orders a Manhattan to sip on.
Over the course of the next two hours the group manages to consume 11 Vodka Redbulls, one Maker's Mark Manhattan and three shots of Tequila. They aren't causing trouble and I have no reason to take action, but it's clear that I need to cut them off.
One of the guys walks outside, slips on the ice and unbeknownst to anyone for 15 minutes, falls asleep in a pile of snow in only a t-shirt. He is eventually found and put in the back seat of the car. His face was slightly bloody I'm told.
The somewhat cute girl is now completely bombed. She offers to blow me, and then my friend, and then she staggers over to the only other girl in the bar and offers to blow her. The ass I'm bartending with slips her my phone number, which I somehow get back 5 minutes later and throw away. We attempt to get this girl to take my friend (who was drinking at the bar) into the bathroom with her and blow him. I felt strongly that someone (excluding me) should get blown.
She then goes outside and leaves a puddle of vomit in the snow. After this she returns and offers to blow us, again. I could smell her breath from 6 feet away. We got the DD to get her out of the bar as there is only so much I can get away with without getting fired.
The driver was nice about everything, even his co-worker trying to whore herself out. It turns out he had received much oral pleasure from this girl before, so he was extra nice all things being considered.
This particular group of soldiers specialized in dismantling IED's, which they will soon be doing in Iraq. It's one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. I don't mind giving certain benefits to people who could get their limbs blown off at any second. That mouth-hug she wanted to give my friend may have been the last time she would be able to get on her knees in a urine-soaked bathroom and have some stranger's junk in her face, and I respect that.
Plus I prefer when the troops are congenial and offering me sex. Usually they just get obnoxiously drunk and start fights with everyone.
*The Israeli Military features female conscription, meaning that barring any unfortunate illnesses such as marriage or pregnancy, Israeli women have to serve their country. This makes for tougher, slimmer and less entitled young women. America on the other hand, features gluttony and bountiful riches. This makes for spoiled fat girls.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Needless to say upon hearing the news I had to immediately Google these guys and catch some of their music videos.
I watched their incredibly bad ass single,"DiscoBallin" and didn't recognize a single place in Richmond because of my tendency to stay away from all publicly funded housing complexes, although I did recognize one of the crew. I'm almost certain that I served "Little Get It" when I used to work at Tiki Bobs. I don't remember what I made him, but he looks very familiar.
Had I known he was pushing that type of weight and was a rap star to boot? Sheeeeeiiittt, I would've given him his Long Island Iced Tea for free.
Will someone buy me the 804 hat from the video? I need bitches to know that I'm from Midlothian.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Vodka Soda- You will maintain your body weight for another year. You will also not make any headway at your boring cubicle job because you don't take many risks. Your personality bores me.
* I took this picture. Rick Ross and I had a fun time that night.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
They're also paying me 100 Euros, which I imagine will keep me blacked-out on the Rumpleminze for at least 3 or 4 hours.
Go check out Mixology (if you can read German, here, or English here.) I haven't decided if I'm going to write the article in Deutsch or English yet. I don't actually know Deutsch, but I've seen Schindler's List and have read Mein Kampf, so I should be okay.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I've been obsessed with the case of Amanda Knox. She's the American exchange student accused of murder in Italy. For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about = Pick up a newspaper, or somehow try to stay abreast of current events. Or just kill yourself you retarded waste of space.
I've been hardcore rooting for Amanda Knox. What American wasn't rooting for Amanda? She's beautiful, she's charismatic,...she's uhh, beautiful.
She's also fucked. Sentenced to 26 years in an Italian prison today.
The "facts", according to the sources that I read on the internet (NYTimes, MSNBC), are inconclusive. It really is tough to say if she was the culprit. She had the best Italian defense attorney that money could buy (think Johnnie Cochran, but Italiano ) and she had an alibi. There was also some other idiot who is already in jail for the crime and there are a host of other reasons why she is innocent. On the other hand, some of her previous statements don't match up. There also seems to be quite a bit of foul play involved regarding testimony and evidence.
My groin feeling is, Amanda Knox is only guilty of one crime.... Being smoking hot!
No way she murdered anyone. Pretty people don't do that. They're too beautiful to kill. C'mon, Italy is all about vanity. They should know this.
Until we start pinning murders on the ugly/fat people, we will never have true justice in this world.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
I've been going to Caddy's with my Mom since I was 10 years old. This place is an institution to assbackwards, right-leaning, "headed to the rivah", southsiders. I still like to go there and sing karaoke (they have it 7 nights a week.) and I've definitely had to be ejected from Caddy's for various transgressions (mainly drunkenness). Needless to say, it's an interesting little bar.
Taking smoking out of Caddy's would be like trying to drive a car without wheels. You can't do it. They still have yellow tar stains on the walls from 1987.
I tell you all this because in July of 08' I blogged about a near fight I had there. Pretty ridiculous stuff: KaraokeHooligan
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
It's not that I'm poor, I just like putting money into my savings account instead of my checking. This practice along with my practice of spending and tipping like an Arab prince while out at the bars (and than forgetting about it the next day) inevitably leads to my account being over drafted. In college it happened once a week, now it's more like once or twice a year.
For a long time now I've kept my mouth shut and deposited more money, eating the 35 dollar fee, or the 70 dollar fee, or the 280 dollar fee. Not anymore. Here's how I got back my over draft fee this morning.
Wearing basketball shorts (sans boxers), a hoodie zipped halfway down (sans under-shirt) and sporting Ed Cullen-like bedhead, I stormed into Wachovia. I stomped up to the first employee I saw and with a tone that can best be described as "hateful rage", I went at it.
"I was over drafted today for 140$ and I want it refunded, if you won't do it, I want all of the funds from all of my accounts on a cashiers check within 5 minutes."
They immediately took me to an office where the bank supervisor was waiting. She tried to keep a nice tone but I was having none of it.
"I've already spoken with SunTrust and I'm fully prepared to leave Wachovia right now! 140 dollars?! I only over drafted for 14 dollars! This is highway robbery and yet another example of our nations banks cheating blue collar individuals such as myself out of our hard earned money! Would you not agree?!?"
I was on a roll...
"I've given Wachovia thousands of dollars in overdraft fees over the years with nary a word, but no more. No more I say! I need a bank that is working for me and for my future, not a bank that is out to take the bread off of my child's table!" (For the record, I have no legitimate children.)
At this point the supervisor had already agreed to refund it and was in the process of doing so. She tried to lighten the mood by making small talk about the weather and holidays.
"I didn't come to talk about the weather, or the misery that is Christmas. I get to do that enough while I'm bartending."
What a fucking dickhead right? I can't help it sometimes. Playin with my money is like playin with my emotions!
So the key to getting back that overdraft fee????
Go completely apeshit. It works like a champ.