Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Punch Drunk # 10 (The Declaration Of Inhalation)

The Virginia bar/restaurant smoking ban goes into effect on December 1st and this week's Style column is my ode to the smoker. I'm pleased with how it turned it out. Go check it out here or go find a big red box with the (S) on its chest.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Two Dreamboats, One News Story

Ryan Nobles
Jack Goes Forth

Working on my story featuring @JackGoesForth. It airs Wednesday at 11PM @nbc12. Man, I wish that guy would come out of his shell.

@ryanobles I need final cut approval. Also, can we add some action shots of me? Shirtless? Playing Jai Alai? Other badass stuff?

Tune into NBC 12 at 11PM on Wednesday night (or catch it online anytime at NBC12.com) to see me embarrass myself. I talked about blogging, getting fired, relationships, sex. So yeah, I'll come off like a complete and utter jackass.

NBC 12 Piece On Jack Goes Forth

Go here or view the video over on the right sidebar ----->

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Not A "Real Man"

Recently my blogging buddy Roosh put up a post about what it takes to be considered a "Real Man". His opinion is that it only takes two things to be in this elite group and they are the ability to get laid at will and the ability to fend for oneself when the chips are down (i.e. personal strength, fighting, primal instinct).

I agree with Roosh. He boils it down to the basics. But what if you can get laid and can fend off unruly mobs, yet still have characteristics that would otherwise contradict your claim of real-manliness? Let's use myself as a case study:

Jack Goes Forth, REAL MAN Pros and Cons:

Strong ability to get laid, mostly by bar mud turtles. Con.

Sometimes mates with a higher caliber of female, for minutes at a time. Pro.

Ridiculous ability to beat up anyone when he's drinking, including phalanxes of ninjas and whatnot*. (*Theory untested, unproven.) Pro.

Lives with Mommy. Con.

Hangs out at coffee shops. Con.

Cooking ability is non-existant. Decent with frozen pizzas, nachos. Con.

Diet is 80 percent chips and salsa. The other 20 percent derives from Ukrops and Sheetz. Con.

George Michael/Elton John duet, "Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me" is go-to karaoke song. Gay.

Makes and saves plenty of money yet is still unable to spend any of it on basic necessities like clothes, desperately needed tires for car, phone bill, etc. Laziness is a major factor here. Con.

Goes to the gym a few times a week. Pro.

Listens to John Mayer in the gym. Con.

Is moody, like a woman on her period. Con.

Doesn't play video games, ever. Pro.

Considers "traveling" taking a trip to Baltimore. Con.

Masturbates a lot, like, a lot a lot. Pro.

Is somewhat scholarly and the owner of many books. Pro.

Has a self-help book on his shelf titled "Bang- More Lays in 60 Days" Con.

Sleeps at least 12 hours a day. Awesome.

Likes red wine, Pinot Noir, Cabs, a nice Shiraz...but will not fucking drink Merlot! Pro.

Drinks Irish Whiskey, a lot. Pro and Badass.

Always cries at the end of Rudy and Legends Of The Fall. Con.

Unconditionally likes any movie that Brad Pitt is in. Con.

Has done over 6 women in the pooper. Huge Pro.

Has been accidently poo'd on, twice. Pro and Con.

Even with the last two I still don't think I passed the test. Conclusion: NOT A REAL MAN. Feel free to take a look at yourself and determine whether you are a real man or not. Most of you probably are, then again, most of you have the ability to maintain a relationship, pay bills on time, live in your own apartment, have a 9 to 5 job...You get my drift.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Reader Mailbag: Bitch Cheated With His Friend

I receive a fair amount of emails from people who read my blog or Style column. Mostly it's assbags telling me to kill myself or it's model-hot women here in Richmond who want to start up serious relationships with me. Okay so mostly it's the latter, and yeah, I meant to say "latter". Anywho, I got an email today that I can't really reprint, but it involves someone (a male) who I know personally. He just found out that his girlfriend is cheating on him with one of their mutual friends and for whatever reason he wanted my advice. My Jameson-addled brain was suddenly jogged and I realize that I've answered this question before for the awesome, widely-read, should have been syndicated dating column, ROBOT_HEARTS, that I started and helmed for RVANEWS.com.

So in lieu of me having to do any sort of thinking and/or writing, here's the expert's answer for when you find out a lover is cheating on you with someone you're friends with:

(Cut and pasted from the 6-16-09 Robot Hearts Column)

Jack: A Question concerning plotting, revenge and heartbreak? Somewhere I smile coldly and laugh maniacally as I begin to type.

In certain situations it’s always better to walk away without a word. The cold shoulder is one of the most devastating maneuvers that one can pull in the game of life (Sort of like the Hulkster's big leg drop finishing move). Unfortunately the cold shoulder isn’t enough in your scenario. A betrayal of this magnitude calls for maximum punishment. An entire face for an eye, so to speak. While it’s difficult to tell you exactly what to do without the specifics of your cheating girl’s and former friend’s lives (i.e. address, parents address, dogs name, name of their elementary school, etc.), I can give you some words to get you started.

At first, say nothing. Swallow your pride, smile, and keep everything cool. Keep banging her. Grin and bear it. Whatever devious, hopefully live-shattering plan you unlock will be useless if she thinks that you know anything. Next, devise a scheme that will ultimately crush her and this asshole you called a friend. A plan not unlike the
Manhattan Project.We need total destruction… of property, psyche, parents, etc. Use drugs, guns, rabid bunnies, anthrax, whatever you need to make it happen. (Email me personally and I can meet you in a dark alley and help with the planning and for a fee, the execution of said plan.)

A man should always be the “bigger man”, unless it’s time to not be the “bigger man”,and this is that time.

…Or you could just disown your friend and dump the cheating whore in one fell swoop. I like my first idea better though. Don't allow yourself to be stepped on in this life, ever.

Editor's Sidenote: I see no other avenues with which to pursue this dilemma you're now facing. Destroy that bitch and destroy him too. Revenge is not easy, but it's not impossible...Not if you have resources, or more importantly, brains.

Thanks for writing.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Friday Funny


"FUNNY! FUNCTIONAL! SEXUAL!!!! Get yours today bro!"


It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia is essentially throwing a no-hitter this season. Impossibly good episodes, quotes and ideas. If you haven't seen the show yet I implore you to get off your ass, or get on your ass and watch it on demand or on Hulu.com.

Also if any reader buys me the Dick Towel, or the Dick Towel hat, you will be forever immortalized on the side of this blog with a picture of you holding a drink named after you, which I will personally create.

"Tiny Bird! Huge Cock! Tight Buns! Chics Get Hot!!!!"

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Punch Drunk # 9

"Seeing as how we’re a town full of foodies who [excrement deleted] their pants every time a new Subway franchise opens, my list will henceforth be the ultimate barometer of power and influence in Richmond.
I introduce the Thirsty Thousand."

Lists are easy and eye-catching, so I made one. The Thirsty Thousand-- A list of the most important bar/restaurant people in Richmond. I'll admit, it's not one of my finest efforts. Go check it out here.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Rent-A-Cops Pay For Sex Act, Bust Local Strip Club Owner

"Two state Alcoholic Beverage Control agents testified today that they paid to watch sex between two female dancers at a Richmond strip club and had lap dances performed on themselves as part of an undercover investigation in late 2007 and early 2008.....Agents Porter and Day testified that they paid $450 to two dancers to perform sex on each other on one occasion in a first-floor “champagne room” in February 2008." -"UndercoverJohns" Richmond Times Dispatch, Nov.9th

Day #2 of testimony- Recap found here.

The strip club was Velvet, a club that has been featured prominently in this blog. Also this blog is not strictly devoted to strip clubs and my musings on them, I swear.

I have so many questions for these ABC agents. Sooooo, did you enjoy watching these two women have sex? Did you act like you were into it or did you act all uptight and weird? Do cops get boners when they're on these "stings"?

Either way, what a bad ass undercover sting gig!

"Hey Agent Porter, got a new assignment for you, here's 700 bucks. Go down to velvet, get some coke, get a few lap dances, sip some Dom P, then see how much they'll charge you for some girl on girl sex action. Don't bust them right away though, let them have a lot of hardcore sex first, maybe see if you can get them to blow lines off your dick, you know, have some fun with it. After they orgasm and you, of course, orgasm, we'll bust the fucking doors off the place and arrest them."

The testimony and trial against strip club Velvet continues Tuesday. I'd like to see what the strippers have to say for themselves, and more importantly, what they look like. Knowing Club Velvet like I do, it probably wasn't the hottest girl on girl action. Could've been the fattest girl on girl action though, which is something, I guess. I'll keep you updated.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Reader Mailbag: Strip Club Waitress Edition

Hey, I read your blog on Velvet and I have to say you're missing out on the best strip club in RVA! I'm a waitress at Paper Moon Southside, and our club is by far the most fun, crazy, awesome one in the entire Richmond area...and I dare say...the world! You should come by on a Wednesday for our Girl-Next-Door/Amateur Contest, or on Friday or Saturday, cause those are the best nights. You won't have any convicted killers to write about, but it's a hell of a good time! Plus, we have Power Hour...girl-on-girl porn in your lap! I'll be the short girl with the red hair that glows under black light.Hope to see ya soon! - Strip Club Waitress

Girl on girl porn? In my lap?! Well "strip club waitress", dare I say that girl on girl porn and my lap go together like spaghetti and meatballs. You've just managed to tickle my buying bone, which also happens to be my penis. I'll send word ahead of my arrival. Expect me in the next 2-3 weeks.

....These types of emails reaffirm my love for blogging.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Bartender Thoughts From Halloween

-All bartenders hate working on Halloween night and all bartenders generally make ooodles of cash on Halloween night. Catch-22? I mean, is that a Catch-22? I don't know. Maybe it's a "slippery slope" or a "false dilemma" or even what they call "denying the antecedent". I'm fucking with you, I failed the shit out of Philosophy class. All I know is that I worked Halloween, and it was crazy busy with a bunch of yokels, and I made some loot.

-Another Halloween observation: Why is every girl dressed like a slut-bag? For once I'd like to see a hot girl dressed like a pineapple instead of being a slutty police officer or a slutty cat. I don't even think real cats can be slutty. I mean I like tits as much as the next guy, but use a little creativity ladies. A waitress from my work went as Sophia from the Golden Girls and lemme tell ya, there was nothing sexy about that. But it worked because it was funny and she actually put some thought into it.

-I bought a gorilla suit for Halloween, but came to realize that there was no way I could wear it while bartending. Too hot, too much hair to deal with. I would've ended the night with rashes in places where you least want rashes and customers would've kept getting little black gorilla pubes in their drinks. Nevertheless, I am now the proud owner of a gorilla suit. Something tells me that this will benefit me greatly one day.