Tuesday, September 29, 2009
"It’s a mind-set programmed by bars, advertising and peers. Drink cheap, drink now, drink often! Sometimes it’s not the quality of the liquor in question, it’s how much and how fast we swallow this swill.
There’s no novelty when it comes to twentysomethings overindulging on liquids that could probably run a Prius." - "Quality Drinking" - Punch Drunk # 6, Style Weekly
The sixth edition of my column Punch Drunk came out today. And....Big surprise here, it's about drinking. More specifically, drinking like a seasoned pro instead of drinking like a sophomore at Longwood. Click here or go find that big red box with an (S) on it.
Monday, September 28, 2009
I've written about this guy and his gentleman's club (JackGoesToVelvet) many times. His den of dirty girls is located one block from where I work. We even share the same hair stylist.
Moore is known statewide for his many brushes with the law and his P.T. Barnum-like showmanship. Examples including but not limited to giant spotlights on the roof of his building, hiring homeless people to promote his business on their cardboard begging signs, H2 Hummers wrapped in pictures of half-nude women constantly circling the city and gigantic banners proclaiming his often controversial views on local and national politics.
Well, Sammy dropped another divisive bomb on the city today, unfurling this huge banner on the side of his building:
Predictably the NAACP is already out in full force, pulling the race card. Mr. Moore's response? "Anyone who thinks this banner is racist is an ignoramus." Here's a YouTube video from earlier today that was shot from the scene of the protest.
I won't comment on whether or not I agree with Moore, but this latest act of patriotism, uhh, I mean aggressive marketing, will surely catapult him and Club Velvet back into the local and possibly national spotlight for weeks to come. Which means attention, which means people, which means money.
Bravo ol'boy. Bravo.
Hopefully he can take this latest spike in interest and use it to find a better brand of stripper. You know, ones that you actually want to see naked.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Yeah yeah yeah a day hardly passes without me mentioning Rumple Minze. What can I say? I cherish its existence. I celebrate its entire catalogue. I sip it, chug it, shoot it, enema it, use it to power my riding lawn mower, sometimes I even put a little in my hair after a long day, what do you think keeps it up slick?
For those of you not in the know, Rumple Minze is a 100-proof liqueur that is, ohh, how you say, really fucking minty. It also has a cousin, Rumple "berry" minze.
So anyways, I'm always hearing about all these local tweeters having this Hashbrown Networking event at Waffle House. Bonding over pancakes and shit. That's all well and good, cause duh, we all love pancakes. But meeting people over a delicious breakfast just isn't my thing. That's fine for thecheckoutgirl , JephKelley, and RVANEWS, the funny, friendly, "hey I really want to meet up and hang ten" crowd. But what about the other side? The slightly dysfunctional/surly side to RVA blogging? At the moment only myself, LoneWolf, OMGWTFRVA, and Jocelyn come to mind (and possibly this heyitsphil guy). Where are our hashbrowns dammit?!
This is why I've created the Rumple Minze Networking group. Date, time and location TBA. All I know is that wherever it is, they better have a kings ransom worth of the Rumple. And if for whatever reason Rumple Minze isn't your thing, that's cool, just hang your little sun dress back in the closet and don't come.
Anyone interested in meeting, nay, pardy-hardying, with like-minded people who laugh at the other people who take this social media networking thing way to seriously- hit me @jackgoesforth or at #rumpleminzenetworking
Style Weekly doesn't know it yet, but they're sponsoring the event. And by sponsoring I mean they're driving me to and from the event, and supplying me with a pack of Camel Lights for the glorious occasion.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Little did I know*, Republican Candidate for Governor (and the current front-runner) Bob McDonnell has proposed privatizing Virginia's ABC stores as a quick fix solution for the multitude of pricey road improvements needed here in VA. A Washington Post article from July laid out some of the pros and cons that such an undertaking would involve. It should also be noted that McDonnell's Democratic rival, Creigh Deeds, has also said that such a plan is certainly being examined by his team as a way of raising much needed funds.
"Privatization of the liquor stores would generate at least $500 million in one-time payments to the state, plus income and property taxes over time, according to McDonnell. But about $100 million in annual earnings generated by the stores that goes to the state's general fund would be lost."
It's not clear if the privatization of ABC stores would necessarily change the arcane rules that govern liquor in VA, but it seems like it would have to if the Government wasn't able to tell the retail stores what to do anymore. Uh-oh, Pantele and the VABC Mafiaheads may be looking for new jobs come November.
*Pro-tip: Style Weekly reader Rebecca Lord.
Monday, September 21, 2009
An unsteady employment situation and the fact that I still reside at my mother's house probably isn't the combination they meant when they said "unstoppable". In fact, I feel very stoppable at the moment.
For the people who were here when I started this blog almost two years ago, a confused young man is someone you have become accustomed to. Well, he's still here and from the looks of it, he ain't going anywhere, anytime soon.
Although a certain blogger's girlfriend did get him Seinfeld tickets for this weekend, so I guess it's not as bad as I make it out to be.
And I mean, it's not like I spent a half hour today applying for a bartending gig at a strip club.... I'm not that crazy yet... Oh, wait....
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
"Virginia’s mafialike hold over the hooch is one thing, but the appointment of Bosnia Bill to its top spot is another. This is a man whose drinking prowess I once aided with five “double bourbon- rocks” at Havana ’59. I subsequently got fired for blogging about it. "
- "Bourbon, Bosnia and Balliceaux" - Punch Drunk # 5, Style Weekly
The fifth edition of my column Punch Drunk came out today. This week I took on Virginia and our local alcohol power elite. If I disappear in the next few days, tell the world my story.
Read the piece here or hit your local street corner and find a big red box with an S on it.
Ann-Cabell Williams, Henrico, VA - StyleWeekly Sept. 15th.
Thanks for the shout out Ann. Feel free to swing by the bar for a cocktail on me. -Jack
Monday, September 14, 2009
Ketel One Vodka Commercial:
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Finding expired, still functional condoms in the trunk of my car at 4 AM. Everyday is Earth Day for me. Go green!
Otis Redding station on Pandora.
Teeth shatteringly cold Rumpleminze.
Proving a bar patron wrong (with extreme prejudice) when they claim their tab is incorrect.
Living vicariously through Dane Acton.
Fruitlessly searching Craigslist for missed connections and for cheap apartments for rent in the metro NYC area.
Boobies. More specifically, my woman's boobies.
Wearing aviators constantly and pretending like I can pull the look off.
Making Long Island Iced Teas.... And Midori Sours... And shots of the Goose... And Coronas with a splash of grenadine in them... No really... I love it.
Reading RoissyInDC, CafeDarkness, TheFoggyMonocle, and Don'tEvenReply.
Reading anything while pooping. Preferably the Richmond Times Dispatch.
Bars that I've never been to (Gay bars).
Losing my temper on people and exploding into a fire ball of non-sensical gibberish. Really into this one recently.
Having the maturity and poise to not turn and around kill one of these old women behind me treating Crossroads Cafe like they're loud Sex and the City wannabe bitches in a bar, making all this goddamn noise and drowning out the mellow stylings of Al Green on my headphones. I'm about to break out my garrote on one these old biddies.... refer to previous "thing I'm into".
Mad Men, Mad Men, Mad Men. Watch it now before I go all Don Draper on your bitch ass.
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia. New season starts next week. If you like drinking, you like this show. No exceptions.
Melanie Oudin's twin sister.
Taking off my headphones and realizing that one of the old women behind me that's making all of the noise is very, very disabled, mentally and physically.
Having no remorse.
Making out with dudes.
Freshly squeezed orange juice.
Wait, what? What'd you say?
Thursday nights, or as they are becoming known: MommysNiteOut ?
Getting a good buzz on in an effort to last longer in the sack.
The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper (Stu Griffin).
Smoking and drinking constantly.
Referencing Seinfeld at least 15 times a day.
Thinking of stupid, gimmicky posts for this blog.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
She kept staring and I kept smoking my cigarette and reading the Richmond Times Dispatch.
Finally she came up and broke the silence.
Her: "You're Jack right? Bartender?"
Me: "Yeah, uhh, you're...."
Her: "XXXXXX, remember me?"
Me: "You look familiar...."
Her: "I gave you a lap dance once hunny."
Me: "Ohhhh, right right. How could I forget?" (still forgetting who she is)
Stripper: "We met at ODC (late, late night bar) that one night, then you came in and saw me at Paper Moon (local strip club) the next week."
Me: (Vaguely recalling...) "Errr, yeah of course. How are you?"
Stripper: "You never called me, asshole."
Me: "Well.....darling....it was a long time ago??? I think?"
Turns out the date I met this particular stripper was November 22nd, 2008. I just so happened to blog about that evening, one of many evenings end spent at Richmond's late night shithole bar, ODC. Read about it here.
2008 was a year in my life that would probably be best if forgotten. Although it's really unlike me to forget past stripper encounters. I should start eating more berries, or carrots, or ginko biloba? What's the food that improves memory?! Fuck!
...And don't even ask me if I slept with this girl. I, ummm, don't recall.
Monday, September 7, 2009
-I'm at another VA Beach bar currently, called Mahi Mahs. As is my custom, I've ordered a few shots of Rumpleminze and it has immediately bonded me with the bartender. The minute I said "and a shot of Rumpy". He said, "You're a bartender aren't you?" There's a reason it's referred to as bartender's mouthwash. Ask local Richmond bartender Dane Acton. Guy survives solely on Rumpleminze and the occasional Turkey Leg from Busch Gardens. A medical mystery....
-I had a troupe of Twitterers in the bar on Saturday night. You know the old axiom, "Hardcore Tweeters are dorks and social retards"? Not true. To my surprise, some of them were pretty easy on the eyes. One of them actually said to me, "Hey Jack, that blond at the bar? I'm wanna skull fuck her." Not exactly Twitter material.
-I just bought two older women shots of Rumpy. One of them took my picture and sent it to her 17 year old, senior in high school daughter, who the smart money says, is freakin hot. Damn you, statutory rape laws!!!