Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Jack Goes Forth takes a few hits from the "lung" (tobacco inhalation apparatus) and subsequently drives the wrong way down E. Main St. A cop notices and pulls him over. After passing a field sobriety test, including a surprisingly difficult recitation of the alphabet from A to S, he is let go and continues his trek to 7-11.
Ted Kennedy is photographed in 1989 having sex on a motorboat in the Mediterranean. GQ magazine profiles him shortly thereafter referring to him as "an aging Irish boyo clutching a bottle and diddling a blonde."
Jack Goes Forth is photographed with his pants down at Strawberry Hill. Amidst the giggles of many area women, SaveRichmond refers to Jack as a, "Horndog, man about town, drink-mixer and controversial observer — Richmond’s more charismatic version of Joe the Plumber."
Newsweek refers to Ted Kennedy as "the living symbol of the Kennedy family flaws."
My Mom refers to me as "the living symbol of the Lauterback family flaws."
Ted Kennedy's overall and lasting image is that of a Democratic stalwart, the "lion of the Senate." His drinking and personal demons hold no candle to his accomplishments and his resume.
Jack Goes Forth drinks too much, does a few too many drugs and is hated by most area hipsters. His accomplishments pale in comparison to his many shortcomings.
Rest In Peace Teddy. You fought a good fight.
Monday, August 24, 2009
...The gf and I only choose solo bathrooms with heavy-duty locks. Email me for a comprehensive list of the great RVA hook-up restrooms in bars (and gas stations).
deLux comes to mind.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Monday, August 17, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Interesting article in the NYT today about my favorite show, Mad Men, and how they recreate the 60's cocktail culture with painstaking accuracy. Popular brands of liquor for the time period (no shitty ass Grey Goose or Patron here) and exact retro glassware are used to show the heavy consumption culture that personified the 1960's. And by "heavy", I mean they are drinking in every scene and most of the scenes are them in the office on a weekday.
Cocktail preferences seen in the show include the Old Fashioned, Vodka Gimlets, Tom Collinses, Scotch and Bourbon (Neat!), and the occasional martini or twelve. At the end of season two, agency head Roger Sterling is proud to show off his pilfered bottle of Russian Stolichnaya vodka, which at the time was not available in the US. Something about a war and it being cold... (Smirnoff was already a mainstay in the domestic vodka market after a US company purchased it in the 1940's)
Imagine 40 years from now when they make a television show depicting our current cocktail preferences. I'll be embarrassed when my kid comes up and says, "Hey pop, what's a Jagermeister? What's an Orange Crush? What the fuck is a Nerd Bomb?" Even with the recent spike in interest over complex, classic cocktails, our modern day consumption habits remain horribly trailer park in comparison to the sophistication of the drinker and the appreciation given to the intoxicant back in the day.
I want to start bringing back a few old-timey drinks. Come on down to the bar and I'll make you a Sazarac or maybe a Moscow Mule. Then we can sit down, chain smoke and talk about how much we hate hippies and that god damn L.B.J.
.....Hold on one second. I have to pour these four Jager Bombs and pop the tops on six 24oz. cans of PBR for this group of unruly, half-witted, Ed Hardy wearing frat boys.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Notice the form on that cigarette point. I was paying tribute to Adina Howard with my violently sexual rendition of her classic R+B hit, "Freak Like Me".
Tuesday night karaoke at Cha Cha's Cantina. Catch the fever.
Monday, August 10, 2009
*I know I'm missing many cafes on this list and this list will remain open and ongoing. Please email some suggestions so I can go check em out.
Globehopper Cafe, 2100 East Main Street : A solid all-around cafe. Good service, decent eats and a comfortable setting. I hate their hours (who closes at 2 PM on a Friday, and 8 PM every other night?!) and their lack of bottled water leaves something to be desired. Not much foot traffic in terms of women, but I always see people I know and the staff is pretty cool and down to earth. Great, clean restroom to take a massive dump in when that caffeine hits your blood stream.
Ellwoods Coffee, 10 S. Thompson Street: I tend to get most of my work done here. Very comfortable setting. High foot traffic of people from all walks of life. There are a lot of hippies, but it's in their nature to be passive and meek, so I don't really interact or have problems with any of them. The food and coffee are awesome, although the service is never quite on point. I suspect massive amounts of pre-shift "inhalation sessions" contribute to this, which is okay in my book. I've had the same barista burn my sandwich on three consecutive visits due to him "forgetting about it man." Everyone is really nice though, so that makes up for it. I'm taken at the moment, but this would be a good place to try some "day game" and meet a lady or two.
Crossroads 26 N. Morris Street (Forest Hill Area): A cramped spot that tends to feel more like a house than a cafe. Wi-fi is sometimes iffy and it's only comfortable if you get lucky and snag the right spot. On the flip side, the food and service are excellent. The clientele is very eclectic due to the general diversity of the area where it's located. I'm usually only here when hungover due to its proximity to my girlfriend's house and the fact that I drink a lot.
Lift, 218 W Broad St : A student cafe on the VCU campus. I've only been twice and both times I was swarmed by flies. It can be difficult to effectively blog when three fruit flies continuously go kamikaze on your keyboard. Not recommended for getting shit done. Highly recommended for wearing thick-rimmed hipster glasses, posing as a VCU kid and attempting to pick up college chicks. Have a Vonnegut book in your hand as you sip your americano. Drop the phrase "unbearable lightness" somewhere in your conversation. I saw three different groups of MCV girls having group study there one day. Go there and snag yo-self a doctor lady, or a (shudder)... nurse.
Bin 22 at Betsys, 3200 W Cary St : Not recommended. Atmosphere put me to sleep. The lighting is funky during the daytime. Wi-fi was down so I had to (gasp!) read a book. I admit to only visiting once, so I'll take rebuttals on this one.
As I mentioned, this list is ongoing. Please email your own reviews and suggestions. I'll add them to the list if they don't suck.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Monday, August 3, 2009
I still question the integrity of their voting system. I mean, how could I not trust something a drunk girl told me at a bar?
"I chatted up (or at least attempted to chat up) a young lady last night (details withheld). It turns out she works at Richmond Magazine. She mentioned that she has something to do the balloting/voting process for Richmond Magazine's best and worst issue (which was released last week)....."
Read the rest of the post and comments here.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
It was 95 degrees in the bar last night. The place was slammed and I'm taking drink orders 3 and 4 people at a time. My t-shirt was soaked through and beads of sweat were running down my forehead and chin. A droplet of Jackjuice definitely went into someone's Bahama Mama as I reached over to the fruit caddy for an orange slice to garnish their drink. The patron didn't notice or they just didn't say anything, and I wasn't about to weed myself any further by voluntarily refashioning a drink that has 5+ ingredients in it. So instead, I grabbed a shaker tin, covered the pint glass containing the Bahama Mama and shook it like it was an insubordinate little child. I was hoping to distract the customer with my awesome display of power, and I was hoping to completely demolish that errant sweat droplet in a mini-super collider of alcohol, fruit juice and jagged ice chips.
Another bartender may read that last paragraph and say, "hey that's not right, you should've remade that drink", and he would be correct. Barman and restaurant etiquette dictates that you always provide impeccable service, and if that service is unsatisfactory, you re-provide it, lest you want to lose that customer.
That axiom is true is most cases, but I don't think the person who said that ever worked at a maniacal, high volume type bar like mine. A bar where you're always four deep, always making an endless array of Long Island Iced Teas and Red Bull laced "bombs", repeatedly dealing with customers who were most assuredly members of Hitler Youth in their last life, and a bar whose climate resembles that of a Sub-Saharan African village.
Don't get me wrong, I love this bar and all I'm saying is that a droplet of my sweat probably won't kill you....
....Which I'll know for sure in a few days when my bi-annual HIV test comes back.