"I recently accepted a similar position in DC, which on
its face should be legit, but for the first few months I'll have to move back in
with my mother to save some cash....However, I know that you've remained
steadfast in the pursuit of the fairer sex despite this obstacle, and was hoping
you could offer some advice on how to handle these first few difficult
months." - Reader Submitted Question
As an almost grown, 25 year old man who lives with his mother and someone who has "remained steadfast in his pursuit of the fairer sex", I feel very qualified to answer this question. So to the reader whose name I had to redact due to his top-secret job, listen up....
- Make it very clear from the get go that you will be living by your own rules and not the previous regime's laws that presumably dominated your life from the ages of 1 to 18. My recommendation is going out hard the first night you move back in, only returning when the sun is on the rise and your Mom is in the kitchen eating breakfast. Show her whos the boss by demanding/slurring for bacon and eggs, and then promptly proceed to vomit all over the kitchen sink. I like to pull this maneuver once every few months just to remind my Mom that I'm a wild card and am very capable of snapping and killing many small children at any given time. Fear equals respect, which you will earn by simply being the unremorseful party hound that you are.
- Don't ever try to lie about living at home to girls. I bring home girls to my Mom's two bedroom condo (while she is there) and there is simply no point in trying to hide the fact that I live at home.The floral patterned couch and the multiple baby pictures of me scattered about would make it difficult to lie anyways. Of course I don't actually tell the girl we're going to my Mom's house until we get there, and then it's too late for them to back out. The only awkward part is when I start duck-taping their mouth closed before sex.I don't need some ho waking up my Mom at 4 AM with her unbridled screams of passion. That would just be plain rude.
- Living with one's Mom is all about mind games. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but sometimes living with her turns into a subtle, real-life game of Chess. Here are some key examples:
- Almost every Mom out there likes to ask questions, and then some more questions and then for good measure they like to ply you with more questions. Where have you been? Where are you going? Whose red thong panties were in the hallway this morning? Why are their 20 crushed up cans of Bud Light in the passengers seat of your car? Are those lines of sugar you left on the dining room table? Clearly after awhile this barrage of questioning can become a bit vexing. My advice is a tactic I coined when dealing with my Mother and it's called "selective listening".
- I simply answer the questions that I feel warrant a reply, and then I usually leave the room when I feel the line of questioning is beyond my level of expertise or the answer is too incredibly obvious for me to have to waste my breath on. It's hard not replying to your Mom when she asks you questions, but you'll get used to it after a few days or so.
- Another tactic is "the stall". You will be asked to do many chores around the house. "Clean your room", "Mow the yard", "Take out the trash", "Take a shower and brush your teeth, it's been three days for christ sakes!", etc. I almost always obey my Mom, but never in a timely fashion. A good example is the month long power struggle I recently endured over the cleanliness of a certain bloggers room. I kept agreeing to clean it, but never actually took action. Finally I came home to a strongly worded note that threatened to throw all of my clothes and prized possessions (my porn box) in the dumpster should I not comply with her demands.
- I ended up straightening up the room, but in a very half-assed manner. That maneuver says, "okay okay, you win...sort of...". At the current time of this posting my Mom is out of town and my room is back to looking like the Ninth Ward after Katrina.
- Back on the subject of women. I was hesitant on this here blog and in real-life to mention that I lived with my Mother, but then I got over it and just started using it as an excuse to be self-deprecating and funny. It actually works to my advantage. I've never been a slouch with the ladies, but my sexual proclivities have seen a pretty huge increase for the past year and a half that I've lived at home. Coincidence? I think not.
- Here's a good line to use when telling girls that you live at home: "Yeah I live with my roommate Mary (or whatever your Mom's real name is). She's a wonderful lady and a great friend. Oh, she also does my laundry and, interesting sidenote here, she once covered me in blood and gooey placenta while slowly pushing me out of her uterus, which from what I can recall was really awesome." However you break the "M" word to your future conquests, say it with a smirk and mention something about how you love your Mom. Then watch as the girl immediately proceeds to tear your pants off and bang you. Go downstairs after you're done and give your Mom a hug for helping you get laid. Maybe wash your hands first though.
- All in all moving back home after being free for 7 years has been a nice experience. I'm saving money and eating high on the hog. I don't go grocery shopping, I don't deal with bills, I really don't do much of anything except bartend, sleep and drink. Soooo, in the end, dear reader, you just gotta suck it up and try to stay optimistic.
- Oh, and crying yourself to sleep every night while thinking of the mistakes and the failures that have brought you back home and into utter loserdom seems to help too. I usually like to ball up in the corner of my room and sob for an hour. The crying tends to follow my nightly masturbation session. Oh who am I kidding? I usually sob while I'm masturbating too.
- One more thing.... Always lock your bedroom door! Moms will and can open the door to your room at anytime. The last thing you want is her to catch you jerking it to "preteengangbangjapan.com".... you sick fuck.