Thursday, January 29, 2009

Capital Ale House Review

Hahahaha, I really suckered you guys in with that title! Okay so I am about to go visit Cap Ale South (which is my abbreviated slang for Capital Ale House Southside). But I will not be getting an appetizer, I will not be critiquing the service and I most certainly will not be taking pictures of a fucking hamburger and then posting it on my blog.

No, I plan on getting hammercanned on a variety of really potent, possibly German beers. Who knows though, maybe the beers will be Austrian, I can't really say for sure. I won't even attempt to discuss beer types or brewing methods or anything else. I'll just say, "Barman, I'd like a strong beer", and he'll say, "Well whattdya like?" Then I'll say, "Dammit son, I just told you. Now chop chop." Luckily I know the barman or else I would probably get tossed a knuckle salad for being such an ass.

I'm also meeting a girl there, but it's a safe bet that I'll be early and she'll be late, and it's a safe bet that I will make it very clear that "this is not a date" and that I will only be paying.... for my own booze. You can also wager the farm that I will be hitting on other women. That, quite simply, is Jack Goes Forth Dating 101.

For the blog I'm going to write down the beers I try and then review them tomorr.... wait, who the fuck am I kidding?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

In Bed, Not In Love


I finished inside her and laid on top for a minute. She smiled and I smiled and we both started giggling. I pulled out and we rolled around the bed, entangled in damp sheets as we continued to kiss. My sweat intermingled with hers and our flush faces pressed against each other still. The urge to say something grandiose and sweeping and magnificent just like in the movies hit me, as it always does when I sleep with a girl and it's more than just sex and you're both in bed and naked and not at all wanting to back away. I bit my tongue though and I just smiled.
She volleyed first:

"Well this might complicate things."

"Possibly"

"I don't think you're ready for something like this."

"Probably not" I replied as we started kissing again. She leaned back and through giggles, managed to break out a serious question.

"When will you be ready?"

"I don't know."

I've had this conversation more than a few times before, and it's like any other interrogation. The less you say, the better. She reads this blog though, so the whole "saying less" thing goes straight out the window. I don't feel the need to hide anything.

I'm too out of control right now. I'm fairly sure the only girl for me, at this moment, will have to be a complete lunatic also. And that's okay.
It's exciting to think about how much I still have to experience down the road.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

RVA Blah Awards

RVA News, my semi-employer is holding its annual Blog Awards. I happen to be up for a few of them. Some thoughts:


-John over at Buttermilk and Molasses (who I think has already anointed himself "Best Blog") has this to say about about the "Best New Blog" category:

"In the category of Best New Blog, there is no doubt. The Checkout Girl is the Shopgirl of 2008 and 2009 combined. As much as I adore Jack Goes Forth, The Checkout Girl is so much more unpredictable and jazzy. And she brings some emotional nuance to her writing. She's erudite."

Ahh, there was a time when I could write about every little thing that happened at work. Unfortunately, now almost every person I work with, a lot of patrons of the bar and way too many girls that I want to bang read this blog, so lets just say that I have to watch my step. Nearly getting sued by Channel 6 was a fun ride. Oh and lets not forget that I got shitcanned from an awesome bartending gig for blogging earlier this year. No disrespect to Check Out Girl, because I think she has a cool blog, but if anyone has been an "unpredictable" blogger this year, it has been me. That being said, my vote is for Jocelyn's Corner. She's a crazy slut and I love her.


- I don't think RVA Foodie got nominated for anything. Somewhere he is distraught and somewhere Jack Goes Forth laughs hysterically. Oh wait, I'm laughing hysterically on my couch as we speak. Not that I think he wasn't deserving... I just... oh never mind.


-TA's consistency should earn him blog of the year. Blogging day in and day out is tough. Blogging day in and day out while still being really entertaining? That's damn near impossible. Good work Jeff.


- Brie and Kelly Stern both rock. I'm willing to bet that they would settle for a tie and a free round of drinks.


Go vote so four lucky people can put a little thing on their blog that says, "Hey, among the 100 or so people who read Richmond blogs, I'm the best. So go suck it other blogs!" Thanks for the nominations but to be frank, I don't really give a crap about winning. My main goal is to blog consistently and compellingly, without getting fired again. Girls come and go, cool jobs do not.

Robot Hearts # 6


The sixth edition of Robot Hearts came out this morning. This week we answered a letter from a woman who is considering going the route of an online dating site (or Craigslist). I sort of opened up on her and was a complete a-hole, but no big surprise there. Telling someone the truth will help them much more in the long run. Of course she might be needing some short term therapy after my barrage.

Click here or click on the pixelated hearts to the right of the blog to go check out this weeks dating advice column genius-ness. Give us feedback bitches!

Monday, January 26, 2009

Ellwood Thompsons Is Funny

On a trip to the Carytown ABC store a few days ago to pick up a liquor order for the bar, my co-worker insisted on stopping by Ellwood Thompsons Natural Market for some vinegar-tasting, "body cleansing" ale that he likes to drink. I haven't been in Ellwoods for at least two years and now I remember why.


- Over-priced "natural" and "healthy", organic, locally grown crap.

- An overwhelming stench of Patchouli and another smell that I couldn't quite wrap my nose around. It was kind 0f like the "Grandma's house when you're 7 years old"-smell.

- Deluded people whose soft bodies go against the entire health-centric idea behind Ellwoods.

- Deluded people who think that natural foods and other ridiculous new-age fads like "chick-pea oil" are soooo much better for you than processed foods, good ol-fashioned gym-time and disciplined eating.

- High cashier who had to ring up my friends order multiple times because, "Duuuudddeee, haha, hold on I totally messed it up again. Haha. Can you hand me back the ale man?" Not that there's anything wrong with getting high. In fact there's everything right with getting high, it's just funny (and I guess commonplace) when the cashier at a hippie food store is baked.


I trash Ellwoods but there are some highly in-shape, non-hippie, non-bearded people who shop there for the selection of natural foods, so it can't all be bad. Still, with the exorbitant prices you would be much better off supporting the "man" and going to a low-end grocer like Food Lion.

Of course while I sit here and preach economy and discipline, I also went straight to Starbucks after Ellwoods and paid 5 bucks for a Grande Vanilla Latte.

She's Hot, But....

Recently I was speaking with a female bartender that I work with and we were discussing a girl (whom my co-worker knows) that I hooked up with and who I thought might be someone I could date. Here's basically how the conversation went down:

Female Bartender: "She's definitely hot. I just don't see you two having much in common though. She's pretty vapid. I see you with someone who's smarter, someone who is into writing and reading, someone more interesting. You can do better."

Me: "Yeah I want someone I can speak intelligently with and who can understand my humor, but this girl is so beautiful! Maybe we can just not ever talk and she could just like, always be standing next to me, looking all hot and everything."



I get the "you can do better" line a lot when it comes to me and women. It's great for my ego but it really makes me wonder if "better" is even out there. I meet a ton of girls and "better" is rare, if not impossible to find. The "better" girls have a short shelf life and usually get snapped up pretty quick during that small window of singlehood between douchebag boyfriends.

Around 9 months ago I found a girl who I thought was on my intellectual plane, was funny, had an incredible amount of things in common with me and was classically beautiful. And well, after two months she dumped my ass like a sack of potatoes. I did "better" for the first time in a while and it didn't work out. It doesn't feel good to get dumped.

Maybe I'll just stick to the "you can do better" girls for now. They've always been there for me in the past.

Although I'm gonna have my eyes open and I'm gonna be ready to be that "better" guy to that "better" girl. Unless of course she reads this blog, because then I'm pretty much fucked...

Friday, January 23, 2009

Jack's First and Last Economy Rant

Yeah yeah yeah, the economy sucks, people are losing are their jobs, bluh bluh blah.

The ol adage, the booze biz is recession (and depression) proof? It's not true.

Forget the BS numbers that the Virginia Alcohol Beverage C0ntrol (VABC) throws at you. Oooohhhhh, so liquor sales are up 4.5 percent for 2008???? Oooohhhhh, that's freakin awesome. Did you mention that liquor prices and taxes are up for 2008 also? Did you mention that the ABC is the absolute, complete big dog money maker for Virginia?

I work on the front lines (at a popular bar) and before that, I worked for a liquor company. Bar sales are slightly down, for EVERY bar! Trust me, I know because tips are down and I hear it from most of the bartenders that I know (which is a lot). The restaurant industry is taking it on the chin just as hard as everyone else (except maybe Circuit City...man, those 30,000 people got shit-canned). Forget the studies and the trends because they don't tell the real story.

All this economy talk has gotten old. People became too complacent with the status quo. When was anyone promised a steady rate or an ever-flowing stream of money? For that matter, when was success in life promised at all?

I wish someone promised me prosperity at birth. That would've been nice. I empathize with the people that this "crisis" has hit the hardest, but I'm certainly not shitting out golden eggs at the moment either. For the time being I'm gonna keep busting my ass and hope for the best. What else can you do in life?


As always, I extremely oversimplify things. The booze is probably to blame.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Accepting The Life Of A Bartender

When I started bartending full time I used to feel bad about loafing about on a Wednesday while the world rushed by me in suits, then I would feel bad spending a Tuesday or a Monday night drinking because I was alone or with people who were down on their luck or looking for a 9 to 5. I became defensive when telling people that bartending was my full-time job. I wasn't yet accustomed to this different way of living and the different mind-set one has when they take the service industry as a career. I faked my way through conversations and told everyone that this was the life I wanted to live, even though at the time I wasn't entirely convinced.

That is over. I know now and I can feel it now. At this moment and this period of my life, I'm living it right and as it is with many of the things I do, there is no one who can tell me different.

Okay that's a lie. If someone can tell me how to get the bartending gig I have now, in a place like Brooklyn or the Bahamas? I'm all ears...


"Most of my Saturday nights went in this way. On the whole, the two hours when one was perfectly and wildly happy seemed worth the subsequent headache. For many men in the quarter, unmarried and with no future to think of, the weekly drinking-bout was the one thing that made life worth living." -George Orwell "Down and Out In London and Paris"

Inauguration At The Bar

-"Can I get a frozen strawberry margarita with some mango in it too?"

Me: "Of course, although you realize it's snowing outside?"


-"We're here to see Obama!"

Me: " Oh, well you do understand that you still have 110 miles to go, and that he isn't actually being inaugurated in Richmond?"


-"Do you have any food? Can we get some chips and salsa? We're from Alabama son!!! We need our chips!"

Me: "Ahh yes, I forgot about the obvious correlation between Alabama and tortilla chips."


-"I have my school ID. This is valid everywhere. What? You won't serve me? This is bullshit!"

Me: "Sorry ma'am, we don't accept Alabama A & M school ID cards as a valid form of ID. I'd recommend the Exxon over on 18th and Broad though. They sell to just about everyone."


-"We're leaving Richmond at midnight so we don't hit traffic. We're gonna get a cheap room just south of DC."

Me: (Almost spitting up my Sprite) " Yeah, there should be a few cheap rooms available, maybe even in the heart of DC"


This was just a small part of the hilarity I encountered behind the bar last night as multiple groups of southern college kids swept through Richmond on their way to DC. I have to admit though, everyone was in great spirits and I enjoyed talking to the lot of them. I've seen it on TV and in the paper, but until last night I never got to see first hand the effect that Obama and this day in history has on America and more specifically, the African-American race as a whole. It's an exciting day.

A sidenote: I witnessed my close associate lose his virginity to one of my ex-girlfriends, 8 years ago to the day (Bush's Inauguration), and I intend to go out tonight and celebrate this small piece of history with a few drinks.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Getting Recognized In Starbucks

Ed. Note: This is not my only Starbucks encounter. Check these out also: "IGotFree Starbucks" and "Strange Starbucks Encounter".


It's Sunday, 3 PM, and I'm barely coherent as I walk into Starbucks for a pre-work latte. My two previous nights were spent at the bar until 3:30 AM and I still have a Sunday and Monday shift looming ahead. My eyes are slits and my ipod is blasting Tool into my ears in an effort to get some energy flowing.

I walk up to the counter and the girl looks at me and grins,

"Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte?"

I just point at her and smile.

I go to one of the plush armchairs with my latte, prepared to stare at the wall and wait for the caffeine to kick in when I notice a girl staring at me a few tables over. I sit down and do a double take, and yes, she's still locked in. Now I'm not one to play coy so I pop my headphones and ask, "Uhhh, are you gonna try to steal my latte or something?"

Girl: "No, I just had a question for you."

She gets up and sits next to me in one of the plush, coffee-stained (or shit-stained, depending on the SBux location) chairs. "Are you Jack, the bartender guy?"

Me: "Well, I'm a bartender named Jack, so yes, I guess. Have you been in my bar before?"

Girl: "Haha, don't worry I'm not crazy (She lies!). I've never been there but I read your blog every few weeks or so. My co-workers and I love it!"

Me: "Oh, cool. Do you want me to sign your Starbucks cup?"


So, we continue talking, mostly about me, which if you could imagine is totally awesome. I act like a sarcastic asshole the entire conversation because I'm tired and I don't like talking to people unless the switch is flipped and I'm "on". Predictably this type of "devil may care" attitude makes her talk to me even more. Finally she says she has to leave but as she's getting up she drops this one on me,

Girl: "So, I have this super cute girlfriend who got out of a relationship a few months ago. I'm going to bring her down to your bar next week and maybe you two would hit it off. Whaddya say?!"

Me: (I sigh) "Sure...go for it."



There are too many thoughts that I have about this situation, but I'll list them anyways:


1. "Super cute" means "not at all cute".
2. I'm blogging about (and making fun of) an encounter with a nice girl who I know for a fact reads my blog. Meaning I'm not to be trusted and I'm a complete dick.
3. Recently I've become too lazy to text or call anyone back. Not even girls that I really like or have slept with. Meaning I need to stop the practice of exchanging phone numbers with people.
4. Number 3 wasn't completely true. There are no girls that I really like, so maybe if one comes along, I'll resume texting and using my phone like a normal human being. Oh and usually the girls I sleep with are too freaked out to contact me again. For whatever reason a man crying during sex is a huge turn off for most girls. Who knew???
5. Unless this "super cute" girl is a "super freak", the chances of anything happening are slim to none. What am I gonna do? Take her on a date??? Hahaha, I crack myself up sometimes. My two nights off a week will not be spent in the company of a girl of unproven value and/or spending money on anyone but me, myself and I.
6. Getting recognized in Starbucks is bad ass. I'd say I'm at least nearing the popularity level of local blogger Jon Baliles now.
7. When people say, "Oh well I don't usually read your blog, but I glance at it every month or so", what it really means is, "I read your blog a few times a week". Every blogger I know has heard this line. Why can't people just be up front about it?
8. This one is sort of unrelated, but I'm such a zombie these days that I've recently passed up a few late night booty calls. What the fuck is that Jack??! Didn't I start bartending and blogging to get laid? Will a reader please punch me in the balls the next time they see me?
9. At the very least I can probably squeeze a nice size tip out of the Starbucks girl and her friend. Although I'm hurting those chances by turning this entire thing into blog fodder. Oh well...

Friday, January 16, 2009

BloggingBartender.com

So about a month ago I was tooling around on the internet at 5 AM, drunk, and thinking of ways to expand this blog's readership. In what seemed like a stroke of genius at the time, I bought a new domain. Bloggingbartender.com. I figure a more mainstream, easy to find blog name will help attract more readers. Jack Goes Forth will remain my name, but The Blogging Bartender just makes more sense. (It's sort of like Brad Pitt's character in A River Runs Through It, "The Fishing Newspaperman".)

What I didn't take into account is that the transferal of my free, Google-based blog to a new domain was going to be a lot of work, work that I probably don't even know how to do. So for now if anyone ever finds bloggingbartender.com, they will be automatically sent to JackGoesForth.

If anyone can develop a website and help me make this transfer (to bloggingbartender.com) happen, email me. I'll treat you to a booze-soaked dinner in exchange for your assistance.

NY Times Alcohol Blog

In the NY Times Online edition today I found a decent Opinion/Proof Blog piece on bartending. The main thread of the story talked about the humor to be found while working at a bar and the writers own bartending experience. I liked these two lines:

"My favorite hour behind the bar was early in the evening when the hilarity was not yet slurred (Although, as one barstool bard once said, to slur is human). "

"My least favorite time was late on a slow shift. It has been said many times that humor originates in pain, and these hours were truly painful: the dragging pace, only the lonely, broken or addicted seated at the bar. Things didn’t seem so funny then. "


Many bartenders will agree with the first quote. Almost all bartenders will agree with the second one. You can learn a lot about life from behind a bar, and not all of it is puppy dogs and rainbows. Still, there are very few things I'd rather be doing right now.


Side note: The NY Time's Proof blog is titled "Alcohol and American Life." It's one of the better blogs out there.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Got Kicked Out Of My Fraternity

So this story is a bit dated (4 years +) but it's interesting.

Yes I was in a fraternity, in fact I was president of the largest fraternity on my college campus. No, we were not an academic frat. We were exactly like you would imagine a fraternity, a bunch of rowdy assholes (some more than others), although unlike most fraternities, we gave nothing back to the community or the campus.

Me being in a frat should come as no surprise. I like girls, I like booze, I like people. I would probably give my left kidney to be able to attend a fraternity/sorority "mixer" again. I was like Gretzky at those things, automatic if you will. I miss a few of my close "bros" (said ironically) but other than those things, I barely remember what it was like.

I do remember how I got the boot though.

I became President of the frat in a time of turmoil (much like Barry Obama and America) and I was determined to right the ship. In terms of campus relations we were on thin ice for a variety of reasons (hazing, no community service, etc) and we had some other bogus violations.

I thought at first I did a good job as Prez. I wrote a 35 page booklet on why hazing was bad in a span of 4 hours for the campus Greek officials, even though I had a month to do it I could never bring myself to do anything early. I traveled to Kentucky and to Denver to national fraternity meetings and endured countless meetings with "advisers" and other adults who were still committed to the fraternity for some ungodly reason. I even made a speech at one of those meetings in front of 200 or so people where I shed a tear as I told the audience about my chapters hardships. I fucking cried in front of people, although I attribute it to the massive, post-adderall, hands shaking uncontrollably, running shits hangover I had.

Okay, so here's why I got the boot.

I was irresponsible with money, was then, am now. I had control of the frat credit card and thousands of dollars. Here are the bad ones:


600 dollar withdrawal on the credit line. Hired two strippers for the fraternity for 2 Hundo. Took the other 400 and went around to 8 gas stations where I traded in all of the twenties for one dollar bills. It was a fun night

48 dollar tab at a bar. Met two strippers, bought them shots in an effort to get them to hook up with a brother whose b-day it was. It worked better than expected. There is definitely still a picture of my bare ass, a naked stripper on the bed and an unidentified brother in the background. I hope that doesn't surface when I become famous.

78 dollar tab at a nice seafood restaurant on the beach. I met a black girl, I had never dated a black girl at this point. I needed money. Heeellllloooo Gold AMEX card! And no I didn't take her to seafood cause she was black and the whole stereotype with the popcorn shrimp and the, wait, umm, it was a fucking coastal town, fresh fish, fuck never mind.

189 dollars at Meineke. My car broke down, it was college, I was broke. This was the straw that shattered the camels back.


What to take from this anecdote:

I infrequently compare myself to Barack Obama and Wayne Gretzky. I was in a frat and I'm not anymore. I never call anyone bro. I don't wear and never wore orange hats, croakies, khakis or boat shoes. I did used to stand on the couch at house parties and lead everyone in a stirring rendition of "Dixieland Delight". I was involved with more strippers then than I am now, and I'm a god damn bartender now! What the fuck?! I miss college, hence my Peter Pan lifestyle and this poor excuse for a blog.

Now, believe it or not, I'm going to Paper Moon (local strip club) tonight. A friend texted as I wrote this and asked me to go, and after this blog post I am so ready. Just gotta hit Exxon first and trade in a few of these 20 spots for a lot of George Washingtons.



Other JGF college-related blog posts: "MyCollege Degree Has Become Obsolete."

Robot Hearts # 5


It's that time again... The fifth installment of Robot Hearts, the fastest growing dating column in Central Virginia, came out this morning. Of course we're also the only dating column that I know of in Central Virginia and the jury is still out on whether or not we're "growing", but lets not split hairs here Donny.

This week we discussed internet-originated sexual rendezvous and how to break free of shitty relationships and get back on that pogo stick. Click here or on the pixelated hearts to the right of the blog to go check it out.

Leave mean comments, funny quips, and even non-sensical gibberish, we like it all.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Semi-Deep Thoughts With Jack Goes Forth

"Never have I seen a man look so single, so utterly alone and alive and confident of the future as Roy Hamilton looked when he said goodbye." - Henry Miller


My work schedule has rendered me no time for blogging until tomorrow, but I've been re-reading some passages from Miller's "Tropic Of Capricorn" before I have to be back on the time clock this afternoon and the line above has been stuck in my head.

Last night I closed the bar alone and as I rolled bags of trash down a deserted Sunday night Cary Street at 2:30 AM, I looked up at the city skyline, still lit up by tacky Christmas lights, and I felt something really strange.

I felt eerily alone, and for whatever reason I felt incredibly peaceful. A serenity I haven't felt in a while came over me and I had a goofy smile as I walked back up the hill to the bar. I've always thought something good was coming down the pipe but last night I really felt something. I can't explain any of this of course, I'm just gonna keep pushing and see what happens.

...last but certainly not least, anal sex!!! If I don't mention it at least once a post my readership will drop by about 85 percent for the week.


"In the cab I leaned back and lit a small cigar I'd bought in the coffee shop. I was feeling better now, warm and sleepy and absolutely free. With the palms zipping past and the big sun burning down on the road ahead, I had a flash of something I hadn't felt since my first months in Europe - a mixture of ignorance and a loose, "what the hell" kind of confidence that comes on a man when the wind picks up and he begins to move in a hard straight line towards an unknown horizon." - Hunter S. Thompson "The Rum Diary"

Saturday, January 10, 2009

JGF Blog Updates

-Apparently my challenge to the Richmond Times Dispatch has been answered by a reverse challenge? Unfortunately it was by some blogger whose only motivation for spending a night out with me is a lot of free beer. In his defense he did promise to not cock block me and to dress like Hunter S. Thompson. As fun as it sounds to let some dude follow me around and then buy him numerous pints of Miller Lite, I'm going to pass.

The offer is still on the table to the RTD though and I'm trying to convince Ross over at RVA News to let a writer follow me and then make it a feature on their site, with RVA News maybe "defraying" some of the cost. wink wink* We'll see. I might just go out with a tape recorder and a camera, and then I'll post a running diary about the night on my blog. In fact, that would probably be the best and most entertaining idea.

-In other news, I have been devastated about Hulu taking down its episodes of "It's Always Sunny...". Much like these two, I need my daily "Sunny" fix.

-For my book recommendation people, I've knocked out "Atlas Shrugged" (Rand), "Factotum" (Bukowski), "Freedom Manifesto" (Hodgkinson), And I'm halfway through "Down and Out In London and Paris" (Orwell). I also want to thank the friend/blog reader who brought me a copy of "Cat's Cradle" (Vonnegut) at the bar a few nights ago. It will be bumped to the top of the queue.

- I have some awesome blog posts and post ideas coming down the pipe, I'm just not sure when I'll get to them due to an increased work schedule at the bar. Look for 3-4 posts this coming week and get over to RVA News on Tuesday or Wednesday for the 5th installment of Robot Hearts. That is all.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Another "Sunny In Philly" Plug

Seriously guys, if you can endure this blog more than once, then you will love the FX series, "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia". I plugged it once and since then I have watched every single episode and most of them I've watched twice. I also have received 7 emails (that's not a made up number) from people who fell in love with the show because of that post.

I only say this because I'm drunk and I must've asked at least 7 girls tonight if they wanted me to "pop the shirt" for them. Actually I probably asked a few guys too. Anyone who got the "Sunny" reference loved it, everyone else sort of looked at me funny. But hey, that one girl who got it? If it wasn't for the multiple Tuaca shots and incessant vomiting, she totally would've made out with me.

Soooo, if you read this blog consistently and you have never watched "It's Always Sunny..." on Hulu.com or on FX networks, then please refrain from reading my BS, or go watch it and then continue reading my BS.

This awesome power move might decrease my daily readership from 20 to 15, but I'm drunk, soooo, oh well.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I've Got An Itch

Nope it's not the itch you're all expecting me to talk about. No, you can clear that itch up by shaving your privates and soaking in a hot bath of oatmeal. This is more of a soul itch and it's not going anywhere.

Why are so many people around me frantically looking to settle down, to be in a relationship, to chain themselves into a 30 year mortgage??? Frantic isn't exaggerating it either. 99 percent of Richmond is brainwashed with the same life plan. Admit it RVA.

Doesn't anyone have that itch? That urge to just get the hell out of here and go? The urge to be free and completely untethered? I'm not just talking about you twenty-somethings, I'm talking to you Mr. Midlife and also to you Ms. Forty something divorcee. What's wrong you with all you people!!?

I'm done with all this programmed crap about growing up and planning for a future. This is my god damn future and my life and the next person who tries to lecture me is getting a fist salad with a spit-in-the-face dressing.

I'm not going to add another debt to my life and that includes both monetary and emotional debts. No more credit cards, no more friends who contribute nothing to my existence and no soul-sucking relationships where I have to endure crap in exchange for sex.

I forgot why I started this blog for awhile... Now I remember. The wanderlust, the anger, the desire that I had is back and it's going to make for a better blogger. Although I'll probably still talk about anal sex a lot, because who am I kidding? Anal sex is the tops!

Monday, January 5, 2009

New Richmond Food Blog

I know what you're thinking. We need another food blog like we need another case of shingles. I mean really? How many times can we read a review on Stronghill Dining and it's "hip" and "funky" tattoo culture??

Well, this new food blog probably won't stink up the joint as bad as the others. The sharp minds behind invino and IWish I Could Cook have joined forces and created a new super food blog, "Whine Me and Dine Me."

It's sort of like when Velvet Revolver formed, or better yet, it's like when Mussolini and Italy officially created the Axis powers with Hitler and Germany in 1936. Yeah, that's a pretty good description for these two.

As a bartender to some of the local foodie population, I feel I have no choice but to support our local food blogging community, regardless of how mind-numbingly boring they can sometimes be.

Now go check out their new blog.

Debunking Myths: Anal Sex

(Ed Note: This post is a little repulsive, even for this blog. Timidity has never really been my thing though. Read at your own risk.)


Recently there have been a few studies released claiming that anal sex is on the rise among teenagers and that in many cases, teens are simply swapping out regular vaginal sex in favor of anal sex in order to avoid any unwanted pregnancies. This is probably disturbing to parents out there but what people don't realize (and will never realize) is that we're living in a new day. While it's not exactly a 1960's sexual revolution per se, it is certainly a time when values and morals are at an all-time low and sexual creativity and experimentation are through the roof. Which, believe it or not, I'm totally fine with.

Back when I was 15 I'm not even sure we knew what anal sex was, other than the fact that gay men do it and that you can more easily transmit AIDS/HIV through the number two hole. Had I even suggested to a girl the idea of anal sex I would have probably walked into school the next day to a chorus of "Gay!!!! and Fag!!!" Now, not a single day goes by where I don't hear or talk about anal sex, although it's almost always in a joking or really degrading manner. It simply is not taboo anymore.

So wait, what myth am I debunking? Well, I guess I'm trying to say that anal sex is actually pretty common these days and I feel that it should be discussed in a more open forum among heterosexual males and females. I don't really want any religious nutjobs commenting and giving me the "god created a penis for a vagina" BS. I don't believe in a higher power and it's too boring to me to think that there is only one way we were intended to pleasure ourselves. Do all girls like anal? No of course not. Do some? Hell yes. Will most at least give it a try to make their man happy? Usually.

Now it should be noted that I, among many other guys, have had instances where a girl maybe tried to sneak a finger in my own poop shoot. So I didn't like it, but it doesn't mean that I didn't at least try it. I'm not gay (although I have been giving a lot of "go-team" ass pats to fellow male bartenders at work lately...hmm) but I have many gay friends and that is how they get down with their lover. Personally I think it's hilarious to talk about it with them. Why are some men born with the urge to put their penis in another guys bum? I don't know, but I'm comfortable in saying that when done correctly it can be a perfectly natural and normal thing.

Okay now for the disclaimer. I'm almost certain that I'll hear from 18 different girls this week about how I wrote about having ass sex with a specific girl and how I'm a scandalous dickhead and blah blah blah. But that's simply not the case. For the record, I only wrote about specific instances with one girl and I had her permission. I write what I think about and I'm not in the market to harm anyone. That's the last time I'll say it. But really, if you can't handle my honesty then don't come back to the blog.

I'll leave you with some solid advice: Poopie happens, and the girl usually doesn't like it when you freak out about it. Trust me, this ain't my first rodeo.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Debunking Myths: Absinthe

"Absinthe Drinker" - Viktor Oliva


I was reading the online version of the NY Times today and I came across a story on the herbal liquor (not a liqueur!) Absinthe. The story talks about the recent legalization of real Absinthe and its rise in popularity among bars and "people in the know" in NYC. It also gives some history on the liquid including its association with the French Impressionist movement, Van Gogh, Balzac, and Oscar Wilde, among others. An interesting sidenote: Hemingway drank the hell out of some Absinthe, and even invented his own Absinthe based cocktail.

Recently Virginia's arcane ABC system decided to legalize authentic Absinthe and my bar decided to start carrying it. Up until then my experience with Absinthe has been interesting and a bit mixed. Twice I vomited from drinking the fake Absinthe at Mars Bar (A great Richmond bar), once I mixed some with many other illicit substances during an ill-fated night in Williamsburg Brooklyn and ended up getting my face bashed in, and another time while consuming a pilfered bottle of the real stuff I somehow organized a semi-foursome (don't ask). Needless to say, that shit is bad (or good) news depending on how you look at it.

People tend to associate the liquid with hallucinating and strange and mystical substances, but people are wrong. I'm here to debunk this myth.

There are two reasons why Absinthe makes for a crazy drunk and "mind-altering experiences". 1.) People associate it with the things that I mentioned above and even before they start drinking it, they tend to prepare their head for something completely different and 2.) Absinthe is 68 percent alcohol or 136 Proof, with some brands going as high as 75 percent and 150 Proof. Jim Beam is 80 Proof, you do the math. Add the requisite sugar that goes with the traditional method of consuming Absinthe and we're talking about some serious hard liquor here. Anyone is gonna act bat shit crazy after consuming a few glasses of Absinthe. It has nothing to do with wormwood or heroin or anything else. I'm not saying that whatever Van Gogh was consuming didn't have all sorts of old-timey drugs in it like Laudanum and Morphine and Ether and whatever else those people drank, I'm just saying that today's Americanized distilled Absinthe is not the same thing.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's Sunday and the lord is demanding that I go out and do harmful things to my body (which may or may not involve sipping on a cup of Absinthe).


Next up in the series: Debunking Myths: Anal Sex (seriously, I'm already putting the final touches on it)