Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Sex And The Kung Fu Cats

Ed Note: If you like cats, or you work for PETA, I'd recommend turning a blind eye on this post.

Recently I returned with a girl to her apartment after a work shift. It was about 3:30 AM. Details about the girl or the situation are insignificant. Suffice to say, we were not going back to her place to discuss the merits of the proposed smoking ban, or to well, discuss much of anything.

We entered her place and she began giving me a tour. The last stop on the tour was the balcony. As we stepped out we heard the blood curdling scream of a cat. This was not just a cat meowing really loud, this was a cat that was in some sort of pain. I then saw some movement in the pine trees directly across from the balcony and I came to realize that not one, but two cats were caught at the very top of the tree (about 25 feet in the air), and that the two cats were fighting. Mind you this was not your usual cat play-fighting, this was a to the death, gladiator style mauling. I think it probably stemmed from a monetary dispute between the two.

The girl immediately runs inside and I instinctively backed up to the door because the trees are somewhat close to the balcony and I'm not trying to referee a fight between these two nutty felines. After a minute I think the cats realized the predicament they were in because they stopped fighting and they just started holding on for dear life as the wind started to sway this medium-sized pine tree back and forth. I was at the same time completely repulsed and completely fascinated with these cats. I should also mention that I hate cats with a (mostly) unexplainable passion. Something to do with ex-girlfriends, cats jumping on my face at 5 AM every morning, me threatening to dump multiple girls if they didn't leave the f-in cat outside of the bedroom for the night, etc.

So I went back into the apartment and weighed my options. I thought, well in the movies they have to have a fireman get cats out of trees so maybe I should contact 911, but then I thought, it's fucking 3:30 AM, they'll laugh if I call them about this. Well if one of the cats dies from the fight then it will just fall out of the tree, but then I really started percolating and I convinced myself that the cats were just re-enacting the elaborate tree fight scene from "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". Yes, this must be the case. Either way, I needed to get cats off the brain, or at least get the mammal and/or Broadway play version of "Cats" off the brain. (Insert inappropriate "kitty" or "pussy" joke here.)

The girl I was with decided to turn a blind eye and continue on with whatever it was we were about to do. I put up no argument with this decision.

After we were done I immediately went to check on the cats and there was nothing. Somehow these cats had gotten down from a 25 foot high tree, probably still fighting the whole way and now they were both back enjoying a cold milk at their crib. Of course the logical, real world explanation is that they both fell out of the tree and either one or both of their bodies were now strewn about somewhere in the grass.

...And I sure the hell wasn't going to be the one to find that murder scene.


Girl Whose Cat Didn't Jump On Your Face said...

Oh stop being such a drama queen. The cat jumped on your leg, like once.

garregus said...

like so many things, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle

Anonymous said...

You are a real wuss.

Anonymous said...

easy fix--move out of mommy's--get place of own--take your pick-ups there

Anonymous said...

No Valentine's Day post? I am sure you are full of good comments/stories.