Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Reasons To Go Out On A Wednesday Or Thursday Night in Richmond VA

It was a slow night at work so I picked up a server pad and made a list of reasons why one should go out on a near-weekend night (Wed or Thurs) in Richmond Virginia. This list is also universal, so whomever keeps reading this blog from India, feel free to take this advice to heart.

Reasons to go out on a Wednesday or Thursday in Richmond Virginia (for men and women):

- Up to a 40% reduction in "non-accidental dancefloor crotchgrabbing" in comparison to Fridays.

- Ed Hardy and his legion of idiots stay in on the weeknights so that they can spray tan and work on making their arm and neck veins "pop" as much as humanly possible. Cause everyone knows, the ladies love a roid' monster.

-Locals (as in Richmonders) go out during these nights. It's rare that you will see a Mechanicvillian or Chesterfieldite out in the city on a non-weekend night. You may see a Midlothian-bred person or two, but it's okay because we're normal. Just don't go past Hull Street. Please god, whatever you do, never go past Hull Street!

- Being hungover at work on a Friday sucks, but let's be honest here, how healthy do you need to feel in order to check your email 78 times and read back issues of The Onion all day? On a personal note, I actually reached the end of the internet one hungover Friday when I still used to have an office job. Seriously, there was absolutely nothing else for me to read or look at. I celebrated this by going down the elevator to Starbucks for the third time that morning and ogling the 18 year old barista.

- The last 11 girls I've dated, I met on a Thursday night. *

-Joaquin Phoenix only chops and screws and/or slaps his bitches on Wednesday nights. The rest of the week he's just a creepy, strangely bearded white guy who used to be a respected actor.

- Chicks dig guys who sit sullenly at the bar on a slower night. It helps if you're chain smoking, drinking the "coldest Bud-Heavy in the fucking bar", and taking shots of house bourbon. Also be sure to put your face in your hands and whimper every ten minutes or so. Follow these instructions on a Wednesday or Thursday and BAM! Welcome to Sexwithamodelville, USA. Population: You and 4 models.

- The sweet smell of desperation. Thursday evenings are like one prolonged Friday night at 1:50 AM where the last man standing after a barrage of shots will generally take home the girl. It's like this all night on Thursdays. My advice: Be coherent and you win. In fact, just be alive and you probably have a decent chance of scoring in Richmond on a Thursday.

- Boobs (self-explanatory)

- Little known fact: Most bars refuse to serve Long Island Iced Teas on Thursdays, reducing the douchebag quotient to a week long low of 22 % that night. **

- Last but not even remotely least, Jack Goes Forth bartends at Cha Cha's Cantina every Wednesday and Thursday. So if model sex, boobs and a notable absence of Ed Hardy wearing idiots aren't your things, there is still a solid reason for you to come out for a drink.

* Jack Goes Forth has never even slept with 11 women, much less "dated" 11.

** Study percentage results taken over one Thursday night (last week). Also, there are no known bars that refuse to serve Long Island Iced Teas. Although there should be...


Sarah said...

Yea any chance to avoid the ol’ roid monster is a guaranteed win for me. But I will give fair warning to the boys, I am in rare form on Thursday nights due to the weekend being so close so I can’t promise I won’t pick up the what we lack percentage wise in the crotch grabbing department.

Mel said...

Why the Long Island Iced Tea hatred? My husband loves them and he's not in any way, shape or form a douche. I'm not just saying that 'cuz I love the guy either.

Laura said...

Final reason, grad school version: classes are done for the week on Thursday and I'm certainly not going to start thinking about homework for next week yet. Plus it's been long enough since the debauchery of the last Saturday night that I'm looking forward to getting trashed and seeing what happens.

Anonymous said...

Dude why hate on Joaquin.That n%#ga can rap!

Anonymous said...

how many women have you slept with?

Jack Goes Forth said...

Mel- If you have to ask about the LIT's, then you definitely have never worked in a restaurant and/or you don't make it down to the Shockoe area that often.

Sarah- You know where to find me and my, uhhh, crotch.

Mel said...

No, I have never worked in the restaurant industry. Back in the day, I was in Shockoe Bottom every night, but that was a lifetime ago. I'm an old suburban married mom of 2 now. If I make it to Outback on a weekend, I'm lucky. (I know....I know.....)