Tuesday, January 13, 2009

I Got Kicked Out Of My Fraternity

So this story is a bit dated (4 years +) but it's interesting.

Yes I was in a fraternity, in fact I was president of the largest fraternity on my college campus. No, we were not an academic frat. We were exactly like you would imagine a fraternity, a bunch of rowdy assholes (some more than others), although unlike most fraternities, we gave nothing back to the community or the campus.

Me being in a frat should come as no surprise. I like girls, I like booze, I like people. I would probably give my left kidney to be able to attend a fraternity/sorority "mixer" again. I was like Gretzky at those things, automatic if you will. I miss a few of my close "bros" (said ironically) but other than those things, I barely remember what it was like.

I do remember how I got the boot though.

I became President of the frat in a time of turmoil (much like Barry Obama and America) and I was determined to right the ship. In terms of campus relations we were on thin ice for a variety of reasons (hazing, no community service, etc) and we had some other bogus violations.

I thought at first I did a good job as Prez. I wrote a 35 page booklet on why hazing was bad in a span of 4 hours for the campus Greek officials, even though I had a month to do it I could never bring myself to do anything early. I traveled to Kentucky and to Denver to national fraternity meetings and endured countless meetings with "advisers" and other adults who were still committed to the fraternity for some ungodly reason. I even made a speech at one of those meetings in front of 200 or so people where I shed a tear as I told the audience about my chapters hardships. I fucking cried in front of people, although I attribute it to the massive, post-adderall, hands shaking uncontrollably, running shits hangover I had.

Okay, so here's why I got the boot.

I was irresponsible with money, was then, am now. I had control of the frat credit card and thousands of dollars. Here are the bad ones:

600 dollar withdrawal on the credit line. Hired two strippers for the fraternity for 2 Hundo. Took the other 400 and went around to 8 gas stations where I traded in all of the twenties for one dollar bills. It was a fun night

48 dollar tab at a bar. Met two strippers, bought them shots in an effort to get them to hook up with a brother whose b-day it was. It worked better than expected. There is definitely still a picture of my bare ass, a naked stripper on the bed and an unidentified brother in the background. I hope that doesn't surface when I become famous.

78 dollar tab at a nice seafood restaurant on the beach. I met a black girl, I had never dated a black girl at this point. I needed money. Heeellllloooo Gold AMEX card! And no I didn't take her to seafood cause she was black and the whole stereotype with the popcorn shrimp and the, wait, umm, it was a fucking coastal town, fresh fish, fuck never mind.

189 dollars at Meineke. My car broke down, it was college, I was broke. This was the straw that shattered the camels back.

What to take from this anecdote:

I infrequently compare myself to Barack Obama and Wayne Gretzky. I was in a frat and I'm not anymore. I never call anyone bro. I don't wear and never wore orange hats, croakies, khakis or boat shoes. I did used to stand on the couch at house parties and lead everyone in a stirring rendition of "Dixieland Delight". I was involved with more strippers then than I am now, and I'm a god damn bartender now! What the fuck?! I miss college, hence my Peter Pan lifestyle and this poor excuse for a blog.

Now, believe it or not, I'm going to Paper Moon (local strip club) tonight. A friend texted as I wrote this and asked me to go, and after this blog post I am so ready. Just gotta hit Exxon first and trade in a few of these 20 spots for a lot of George Washingtons.

Other JGF college-related blog posts: "MyCollege Degree Has Become Obsolete."


The One and Only Ridor said...

This appears to be unfinished entry, Jack!

I'm curious to know why you got booted.

I was part of a college fraternity as well. I think my frat is better than yours. ;-)


Jack Goes Forth said...

It's finished now. I'm sitting at Cafe Gutenberg and stealing Halligans WiFI...and it's fucking up all my shit.

Should be good now.

DT said...

In a fraternity too and president no less?

I think I like you more now than ever.

Whine Me said...

four years + .. dig deep.

the one and only ridor said...

Whoa! Just read the rest of your article -- you certainly went overboard on this big-time! Even I would not have done this at all.

At least, you got the memories to reminisce over the years whenever you wanted to... LOL


Anonymous said...

you're more like a poor man's Mario Lemieux.

Just sayin....

Anonymous said...

I am worried about the frat that elected you president. What did they do, pick the alpha male with the biggest notch count and put him in charge?

Jack Goes Forth said...

Yeah we were sort of like a tribe of silverback gorillas.