Monday, January 19, 2009

Getting Recognized In Starbucks

Ed. Note: This is not my only Starbucks encounter. Check these out also: "IGotFree Starbucks" and "Strange Starbucks Encounter".

It's Sunday, 3 PM, and I'm barely coherent as I walk into Starbucks for a pre-work latte. My two previous nights were spent at the bar until 3:30 AM and I still have a Sunday and Monday shift looming ahead. My eyes are slits and my ipod is blasting Tool into my ears in an effort to get some energy flowing.

I walk up to the counter and the girl looks at me and grins,

"Grande Skinny Vanilla Latte?"

I just point at her and smile.

I go to one of the plush armchairs with my latte, prepared to stare at the wall and wait for the caffeine to kick in when I notice a girl staring at me a few tables over. I sit down and do a double take, and yes, she's still locked in. Now I'm not one to play coy so I pop my headphones and ask, "Uhhh, are you gonna try to steal my latte or something?"

Girl: "No, I just had a question for you."

She gets up and sits next to me in one of the plush, coffee-stained (or shit-stained, depending on the SBux location) chairs. "Are you Jack, the bartender guy?"

Me: "Well, I'm a bartender named Jack, so yes, I guess. Have you been in my bar before?"

Girl: "Haha, don't worry I'm not crazy (She lies!). I've never been there but I read your blog every few weeks or so. My co-workers and I love it!"

Me: "Oh, cool. Do you want me to sign your Starbucks cup?"

So, we continue talking, mostly about me, which if you could imagine is totally awesome. I act like a sarcastic asshole the entire conversation because I'm tired and I don't like talking to people unless the switch is flipped and I'm "on". Predictably this type of "devil may care" attitude makes her talk to me even more. Finally she says she has to leave but as she's getting up she drops this one on me,

Girl: "So, I have this super cute girlfriend who got out of a relationship a few months ago. I'm going to bring her down to your bar next week and maybe you two would hit it off. Whaddya say?!"

Me: (I sigh) "Sure...go for it."

There are too many thoughts that I have about this situation, but I'll list them anyways:

1. "Super cute" means "not at all cute".
2. I'm blogging about (and making fun of) an encounter with a nice girl who I know for a fact reads my blog. Meaning I'm not to be trusted and I'm a complete dick.
3. Recently I've become too lazy to text or call anyone back. Not even girls that I really like or have slept with. Meaning I need to stop the practice of exchanging phone numbers with people.
4. Number 3 wasn't completely true. There are no girls that I really like, so maybe if one comes along, I'll resume texting and using my phone like a normal human being. Oh and usually the girls I sleep with are too freaked out to contact me again. For whatever reason a man crying during sex is a huge turn off for most girls. Who knew???
5. Unless this "super cute" girl is a "super freak", the chances of anything happening are slim to none. What am I gonna do? Take her on a date??? Hahaha, I crack myself up sometimes. My two nights off a week will not be spent in the company of a girl of unproven value and/or spending money on anyone but me, myself and I.
6. Getting recognized in Starbucks is bad ass. I'd say I'm at least nearing the popularity level of local blogger Jon Baliles now.
7. When people say, "Oh well I don't usually read your blog, but I glance at it every month or so", what it really means is, "I read your blog a few times a week". Every blogger I know has heard this line. Why can't people just be up front about it?
8. This one is sort of unrelated, but I'm such a zombie these days that I've recently passed up a few late night booty calls. What the fuck is that Jack??! Didn't I start bartending and blogging to get laid? Will a reader please punch me in the balls the next time they see me?
9. At the very least I can probably squeeze a nice size tip out of the Starbucks girl and her friend. Although I'm hurting those chances by turning this entire thing into blog fodder. Oh well...


Anonymous said...

Oh no - I see his head inflating

Jenn said...

"For whatever reason a man crying during sex is a huge turn off for most girls. Who knew???"


Anonymous said...

You're so famous now. I'm surprised girls don't just drop to their knees and start blowing at the mere sight of you. Can I touch your tattoo Jack? Please?

Bookstore Piet said...

Gotta call you on a misleading statement. You say you're not returning messages but you return my texts. Not sure what that means but there you go. Perhaps you are in training to be Finn's 'bad' uncle.

DT said...

Umm, I check your blog multiple times a day, hoping that you'll post more than once in a 240hour period of time.

R. said...

jon baliles. never. he is WAY too badass.

Ava V. said...

so does this mean "nice" is the equivalent of "super cute"?

Jack Goes Forth said...

Piet, yes I returned your text. This is because you are not a woman, you don't text me very often, and you texted with a specific question and not some BS like "Hey how are you?"

Ava- Yes, you are correct.

R.- I agree. I was kidding about the Baliles comment. He would totally kick my ass and then he would probably bang my sister if he thought I was serious.