Wedding and Vomit. The Same Thing?

I ran across a magazine called "Richmond Bride" when I got home from work/ going out and boozing after work. I think it was an addition to "Richmond Magazine" (which I actually enjoy).

Maybe it's just my growing anti-materialism or my hatred of women discussing their impending nuptials, but it really bugs me that there's a magazine that's devoting 85 pages to topics like, "What's under your dress?" and "Bridal Parties: It's ok to break from tradition."

Devoting an entire weekend and A LOT of money to an endeavor that has a 50 percent chance of failing just seems foolish to me. Well..... I mean.... I guess I have a 90 percent chance of hooking up during said weekend... so... umm.... carry on college sweethearts!

(Ed.Note: I probably just got myself de-invited to 2 or 3 weddings. Oh well. As long as I'm still in the bachelor party. :) )

All Day Long I Dream About....

*This is a real life photo of JackGoesForth from last Saturday night.

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -Henry Miller (Sexus)


I'm 24 years old and I think about sex and women all day long. The only difference from when I was 15 and thought about sex all day long, is that now I actually have a chance at getting sex with all of these women I fantasize about.

I constantly speak with older generations either in bars or over email or even on the street, and some are still sex-crazed teenagers at heart (regardless of age), while others seem to have lost that spark and just aren't that interested in sex anymore. (Marriage is probably a big culprit, but I won't touch on that today.)

In periods where I have a lot of sex, it makes me only want to have more sex and I think about sex more often than during the periods where I'm in a dry spell.

Some guys will say, "I don't need to masterbate, I get sex all the time."

That's a load of shit. The more sex you have, the more you will masterbate. You're hornier all the time, you think about sex all the time, your body gets used to the constant sex and you have no choice but to masterbate, if only to keep your bodies "orgasm supply and demand" in check. (I think I just coined the phrase Orgasm Supply and Demand)

I don't care if this topic is taboo to some people, but having A LOT of sex, whether with one person or multiple people is good for you, no wait, it's fucking GREAT for you. Screw all the naysayers who cry, "Oh your dick is gonna fall off at this rate!

Me: "If I can ever have enough sex to actually make my dick fall off, then my life is complete anyways."


(PS: Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not advocating a completely hedonistic lifestyle that involves 3 and sometimes 4 different women per week and sometimes waking up on a wooden floor of someones apartment that you've never met surrounded by nubile 19 year old girls, no I'm not advocating that......This knowledge can be applied to couple's too, if you're not already sick of each other and now just going through the motions in bed because you're afraid of being alone.)

Writing Project Update #3

(I was reading through my "work in progress" today or what I sometimes, laughingly refer to as a book. It's following a story line but there are whole passages and pages where I go off on tangents and I rant and rave and whoop and whirl across the page. The writing so far is painting the picture of a passionate, somewhat crazy, sometimes very angry young man. I'm not sure how I feel about my work so far. I don't feel bad, but I also don't feel that great about it either.

I cut and pasted some snippets below...One snippet may offend you pro-lifers out there, and I don't really care. I would suggest you stop reading now if you get easily upset by that type of thing. )


--"More heavy tears run down her face and she moves in to hug me again. I let her do so but instead of giving her a hug back, I coldly pat her on the back three times. I'm shaking with a caffeinated jolt of 6 espressos, only I'm dead sober. I’m repulsed, I’m in a state of horrific shock. I feel no empathy for her and I feel no empathy for whatever is (possibly) alive in her stomach, I only feel for MYSELF and how this would mess up MY life. My mind races with the abortion process and the money that is potentially involved. Who can I ask for advice, who has been here before? How much is it? I try to remember where the abortion clinic is in Richmond. Where do I always see the protestors? On Boulevard and Grove? Boulevard and Floyd? My mind flips and spins and my eyes blink uncontrollably. Tears are held in check, just barely. Can I scrape together enough money in the next week or so?

I walk along the streets pissed off and angry. Angry at whom? Myself? God? Her? An unborn child? I don’t know who to blame but I’m walking the streets in a white hot rage. I turn dark corners into unlit alleys and I imagine getting jumped by four muggers and I welcome the sight. I welcome a brawl and I yearn for the brutality of it. I welcome the adrenaline and the smash of my fist and elbows into eye-balls and foreheads and groins. I’m so jacked up with anger I could take on an army right now. An army of muggers or even an army of her, an army of lying, cheating, drama-loving whores.
Again I think of how much an abortion costs. I think of my mother and my father and I think, what they would they say? I think of what the fuck I’m doing with my life."


--"Oh sure, they tell me that you really start to live when you have a child and a happy relationship…
I spit on that, I spit on the whole god damn system. I whip off a condom I just filled and I wing it onto their glossy "bay windows".

Live Life Now

"When the revelation that there is nothing after this life but the illimitable black void is grasped, hedonism is the only logical answer." - Roissy in DC.

I had an in-depth conversation as I was closing up the bar tonight with a regular customer, who up until tonight I had thought of as nothing but a loud drunk.

His story (briefly), is that he got married early, got divorced 10 years later, worked in bank for 20 years and then realized that he was so incredibly unhappy that death would be a better option. He is now 45 years old. He is single and he took the money he had accumulated (it didn't amount to much) and moved to Vegas to try his hand and his dream at playing poker full time. He has ups and downs and barely gets by, and even now his mother is a co-signer on a 100,000 dollar line of credit that's his frequent parachute. He shuttles between Vegas and Richmond, and when he's not doing that, he takes frequent vacations (South America ad Aruba mostly) where he has a 30 year old Columbian girlfriend. He's far from being set and able to simply retire. In a way he lives paycheck to paycheck. He is one of happiest people I've ever met. He's living his dream and somehow he just knows that everything is going to be alright, although he does admit to being scared sometimes.

Now, I don't believe everything he says and I'm sure he glossed over a lot of shit, but the bottom line is... He regrets not taking the plunge into his current lifestyle earlier. He admits to wasting time on worthless pursuits early in his adulthood.

Again, I DO NOT believe everything he told me and I know that having a fall-back "money parachute" makes things a whole lot different, but I also know that he's happy doing what he wants to do and that he understands the fickle nature of this thing we call life.

As for the above quote. Well it speaks for itself. We're dying one day at a time.... and for some of us, we're dead within a day or a week or a year, and we don't even know it yet.

Ironman Date

*Tony Stark likes to drink Johnny Walker Blue, so does Jack Goes Forth (when it's free).

Advice: No matter how much you like a girl, do not cave for multiple bottles of half-off wine and/or multiple appetizers and then go see Ironman. The money spent for both is insane compared to rail vodka at a dive bar and then buying a six-pack and taking it to the river. (I have only myself to blame for this mistake.)

I gorged myself on crab and some sort of Cabernet Sauvignon, then I had a hard time keeping up with the rediculous plot/premise of Ironman, not to mention keeping my eyes open the entire time.

Robert Downey Jr. was great. The movie kind of sucked it for me though, although this is also coming from a guy who didn't really get into Spiderman either. Maybe it was "The Dude" in such a villainous role?

If you do see it, stay after the closing credits. There's a scene with Downey and a surprise cameo from a badass actor and it's sort of cool. I knew about it and I told my date, but the other 20 people in the theatre didn't know and got up and left. At first I felt cool that I knew this secret and then afterwards I just felt like some sort of comic book virgin nerd guy(earily similar to the "comic book guy" from The Simpsons)....which I'm not..... anymore.

RVA Blogs and Richmond Readers are Obsessed With Food and Food Critics. Maybe That's Why This city and the South are so Morbidly Obese.

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This was an experiment to see how many people would click on this post from RVA Blogs because the title mentioned the words "food" and "Richmond". I have the over/under set at 20. I'm afraid if I threw in the word "baby", my server might explode with all of the new traffic.

Disregard and go about your daily web-surfing if this doesn't pertain to you.

Missing DC Metro

I love Richmond, I love the landmarks, the river, the (decent) amount of easy and/or nice southern girls, my high school friends, certain streets and certain older sections of town. I like knowing people in almost every bar I hit. Other than gas, the cost of living is much much cheaper than DC.

I hate not being able to walk or metro anywhere though. Gas is fucking my shit all up and then of course I sometimes (have) to drink and then drive, which really sucks.

I used to metro into DC from Arlington (Ballston) and just randomly get off at a stop, then I would start walking, stop for food, talk to girls, have a drink, people-watch; then if I got tired I'd just hop back on the metro and go home or find an area I knew better. I loved it. It reminded me of being in NYC for a period. Not having to drive anywhere is amazing and once you adjust to using public transportation it makes it difficult to get behind the wheel again.

I had a lot of memorable times on the DC Metro. Dates taken by metro, dates gone very arwy, hooking up with girls on the way back from the bars, being completely belligerent to and from baseball games (yes I was occasionally that guy), and simply sitting and thinking about stuff. Metro rides, even when slammed packed with people can be a great place to drift off into your own little dream world.

I also remember those morning and afternoons I had to cram my way in and fight to get on the Orange line. I definately don't miss the weary faces riding to and from their gov't jobs everyday and I most definately don't miss my weary face on that metro every morning.

This all boils down to the fact that I need to get back to a huge urban sprawl with public transportation, but like with everything else I want, I just need to be patient.

State Of Jack Address: Part Deux

"Life, as it is called, is for most of us one long postponement" -Henry Miller (this was quoted in an earlier blog post, but it just seemed appropriate for this post too. Also the above picture is actually Hunter S. Thompson.)

So in the past 5 months since I've started this blog my life has changed completely, this is nothing new to anyone who reads this blog.
I now bartend 5, sometimes 6 nights a week at 3 bars spread across my hometown of Richmond VA in an effort to reduce the debt I acrued over my first three years out of college and in an effort to figure out which direction I want to take this life. Bartending full-time has proven to be one of the best jobs and times of my life. Whatever the future holds, I expect to keep bartending in some capacity, whether it be part or full-time.

I'm currently writing a book and like I imagined, it's extremely difficult. I go stretches of days where I regret ever having the idea and convinced that my writing sucks, but then I have days like today where I bang out 15 pages of work that I honestly think are really good. The goal now is to have an (almost) finished work by my birthday (9-25) and to start sending stuff to editors, publishers, agents, and whomever will take the time to read it. Also once I get a bit further along I'm going to start studying up on the self-publishing process (Fellow blogger Roosh V will probably be a good resource for that.) Whatever happens, I will have a book with my name on it, that you can hold in your hand. I don't care if I'm the only hand that will ever hold that book, you can bet the farm that this will happen. I'm almost afraid of the first time someone else reads some of this stuff (it's not exactly PG or even R rated for that matter), in fact I'm trying my hardest to make it graphic in its detail and some of its events (Think Bret Easton Ellis meets Chuck Palahuick meets Charles Bukowski meets a softcore Cinemax movie).

I probably shouldn't say this at the moment due to current JackGoesForth events, but girls have been plentiful. Infact I've never had more girls than I've had in the past five months and for people that know me, that's saying something. I've changed my lifestyle, attitude and belief system, so there is something to be said for living a hobo,artist,bartender, free-loader, part-time asshole lifestyle. It's been fun and I expect it to continue to be fun, although I'm not ruling out something that's more than just a "fling". I know, that's soft talk, but in between all of the random slores I meet, there happen to be a few cool chicks here and there.

Other than my book project and my debt reduction project, I still don't have a clear vision of what I'm going to do. I still get calls from recruiters about sales jobs (pharma, alcoholic beverage and medical mostly) and admittedly, I still take the time to listen and think about going back to that lifestyle, although I'm almost 99 percent sure that this won't happen for some time (and by some time, I mean years).

The only things I'm saving for at the moment are trips. Atlantic City for a bachelor party, a possible Caribbean vacation (by myself), and of course the ultimate goal of back-packing Europe or South America (although at the rate I'm saving it would take a miracle for this to happen within 10 years.)

Starting next week I'll be spending as many of my off-days as possible at my families river house. I'll be on the water or I'll be on the pier typing away. I couldn't be more excited for this.

I now play the lottery along with the other bartenders every Tues and Fri nights. I've always thought it was stupid, and well, it is stupid and a waste of 3-4 bucks. I guess I just like the fun I have with everyone when we talk about what we would do with the money and then how we all gather round at midnight to check our numbers. It makes me feel real blue collar when I'm in line with a bunch of Mexican landscapers at 4 PM at 7-11 buying lottery tickets, and they of course are also purchasing a 22 oz of Steel Reserve Malt Liquor.

I've started eating a lot of bloody red meat and that, in addition to an even more grueling work-out regimen has sort of made me angry more often, but not in an angry-stressed out type way. More like an angry, I wanna blast Tool in the car and yell, stress-release type way. When I'm eating these big, rare hunks of burger I sometimes imagine that I just killed the animal with my bare hands and bit right into it's skin. Sort of weird, I know. I can now see why vegetarians and vegans are so passive. I also think bartending has sort of made me more aggressive with people. Working at a packed college bar where you are sometimes expected to jump the bar to break up fights and help the bouncers, in addition to having to deal with A LOT of assholes will tend to do that to you. I like having that sharp edge though.

Anyways, I'm still plugging away. The blog vacillates in terms of the quality of writing (obviously) and actual visitors. One week I averaged 175 readers a day, the next I averaged 85 readers a day. I don't really know where these people come from and I don't really care, I try to only think about honesty and myself when I write. I've had two people actually find one of the bars I work at and introduce themselves, so that was sort of cool. I think they went to that bar anyways and just happened to be in there during one of my shifts, but whatever.

Keep the emails coming and the positive and negative feedback coming also. I'll try not to bore anyone with lame ass posts like this to often.

Insecurity

There's a lot of shit that you don't want people to know and sometimes the first few dates or first few drunken sessions with a person you like can bring these things to the surface...

Everything from drunken emotional admissions to actually physically stripping bare in front of that person are huge barriers in the beginning of any relationship.

I guess the question I sometimes face is whether or not I have the patience to deal with that person's insecurties? I feel like I'm coming to a point where I can lay myself in front of a woman and be honest about everything (in my case this is probably the LAST thing I should do) and I'm sure I want a girl who can do likewise.

On the flipside I'll have jealousy pangs when hearing about a girl's past lovers or past experiences, but it won't turn me away (unless shes hit the century mark for previous sexual partners.....ok wait, that doesn't bother me as much as it should).

Insecurities are unattractive and it's a daily struggle for everyone(including myself) to get past the little things that tend to gnaw at our own self-worth.

What does this post mean? Ummmm, well it means:

Having more than just a fling with someone is not as easy as just "having a fling with someone." -JackGoesForth


(yeah I've been drinking and yeah I got shit on my mind. So.... um. Go fuck yourself :)

Gamblin' Man

I spent a half hour today learning how to play craps for an upcoming bachelor party/Atlantic City Trip.

I picture myself strolling up to a packed craps table in Ballys sometime around 10 PM. The crowd somehow senses a presense and starts to part as this suave, devilishly handsome, young man walks up to the table and the table boss shouts out,

"A we gotta shoooottttaaaaaahhhh here!"

The table is surrounded by people and they're mostly models from NYC who are in town for a convention that weekend.

I put my arm around a nearby cocktail waitress and say, "I'll have a single malt scotch. Maybe a Glenfiddich, Glenlivet, Glengarioch, any glen will do and if you tell the bartender to take it easy on the water," I reach into my pocket and pull out a bill, "Then this crumpled up George Washington has got your name written all over it. "

They hand me the dice and I wink at one of the models before I promptly roll 16 "big reds" or seven-outs in a row, running my bank roll to somewhere in the high 5 figures. The table is packed 6 deep and with every roll the noise and intensity grows. Finally when the casino senses they can take no more losses a floor manager comes over and offers me the key to a complimentary suite, where my friends and I end the night in a coke-fueled, model orgy with only ice cold bottles of Belvedere Vodka to quench our thirst.

The room becomes a booze-soaked, dead model blood bath (You have to kill at least one hooker during an AC trip...right?) At one point I see the groom in a model/ prostitute sandwich and we smile at each other and I know that this will surely go down as the greatest bachelor party ever and it was all because I took the time to learn craps.

So as you can see, I had a pretty productive day.

Bar Knowledge

I work at three bars. One is a sports bar in a high income, residential family, older type area. The second is a sister sports bar to the first, but it's located in a cooler, younger professional type area, and the third is a college bar/ club that's located downtown.

I described the locations for this reason...

People from all walks of life cheat on their spouses, do drugs, talk really dirty, hate their lives, drink way to much, are sex-crazed, and have serious emotional issues.

I had always heard that bartenders are privy to every facet of their customer's lives and I never believed it. Well guess what? It's completely true.

Cheating on your wife? Hate your children? Regret certain life decision? Screwed over your best friend? You want me to sleep with your wife while you watch? (I'm not making this one up either)

Some of the people who confide in me are older and they always tend to give me life advice out of their own miserable stories.... The ONE OVER-RIDING THEME that I must hear at least twice a shift (6 times tonight on rainy Monday) is this:

Don't get married. Don't wait until you're 30 like everyone says...Just don't do it. Remain free and don't "buy the cow". I have people begging me to make the right choice and not get sucked in. It's incredible how many people feel this way. I can't even tell you how many bitter male and female bar patrons tell me this, the number is astronomical. I have women tell me this while their spouse is in the bathroom. I feel bad for these people...


It really makes a man think....

Money, Money and More Money

We have grown literally afraid to be poor. We despise anyone who elects to be poor in order to simplify and save his inner life. If he does not join the general scramble and pant with the money-making street, we deem him spiritless and lacking in ambition. ~William James

The prevalent fear of poverty among the educated classes is the worst moral disease from which our civilization suffers. ~William James



I spent lunch with my Mom today for Mother's Day. As it usually does, talk turned to money....or our lack of it. While she still gets stressed about money(I can't blame her for that) , I've simply become very zen about the whole thing. I commisurate with her but it makes me wonder how she can still get so frantic over something as miniscule as a past due bill. She's been living hand to mouth on a shoestring budget for a long time, and almost all of that time she had to support an (at times) ungrateful lil grocery-destroying robot (named Jack).

I understand that having someone else depend on you changes everything, or even having real responsibilties can alter your entire life. I mean lets face it, I have no real responsibilities. I do not consider paying a car payment or school loan payment a real responsibility. So I can see where my Mom can get a little frazzled, or any single parent can get money-stressed for that matter.

What tends to irk me though are the people who are in my boat, who have no REAL responsibility (and no, paying your rent doesn't count). The people who only talk about money or how much they make or what they're going to buy. They say, "man, can you believe that guy's making 100 K a year?"

I say, "Yes I can believe it because he has as much character as a piece of driftwood. In fact his girlfriend mentioned how much he made right before I bent her over that keg in the walk-in cooler."

I can think of no topic more boring than money, and I'm pretty sure that even if I had money I would still feel that way. Anonymous commenters will cry, "but Jack, you don't know what it's like you broke bastard!"

My response, "You're right and I'm not in a hurry to find out, now stop wasting my time you rich bore."

Can't you think of something more interesting? Read more books instead of killing your brain cells in front of that 75 inch plasma TV. Get out in the streets and get down in it. Comfort and shelter makes people complacent and afraid of change.

I've grown quite comfortable living paycheck to paycheck or in my case, nightly tips to nightly tips. I'm almost to comfortable. I need to break out of my poverty comfort zone....ha.

I know I've said it before but there's something about living hand to mouth that tends to make people more interesting. This obviously isn't true in all cases but lets face it, when you have money, you tend to go soft.

Authenticity and the true nitty-gritty that draws you to someone has nothing to do with money and if it does, then you're being drawn to people for the wrong reasons.

I'm not bashing all rich people here. I know, and am friends with people who have money, but generally the only ones I like are the ones who earned it or are earning it through sweat and toil. There is nothing wrong with working hard and making money, just don't rest on your laurels once you get that money, or a better idea: start tipping me better you rich asshole. Running up a 100 dollar tab then leaving 8 bucks is a good way to get urine instead of pineapple juice next time you come to tha club....

Per usual, theres no real point to this post. I just feel that there should be less emphasis on money in our society. I have options to make more money and live more comfortably, but I'm really starting to lean towards a more bohemian lifestyle...of course thats easily said when you're 24 and still have wildly outrageous ambitions.

Writing Project Upate

The book project is coming along at a painfully slow rate. I've been managing to squeeze in 3 hour and a half sessions of writing a week but I know that I need to devote more time if I'm really going to make this happen. So far I have 8 "chapters", but these aren't real chapters. They're more like 5-7 page anecdotes and somehow I've got a loose story line weaved in. Very American Psycho-style for those of you that have read the book.

I'm planning on getting somewhere in the neighborhood of 250 pages worth of material, then I'll begin really carving out a story and keeping the good stuff.

There is no title, but I've taken to referring to it as "Life As A Twenty-Something Bartender". I've thought about some really awful, stupid, abstract titles such as "Imbibe" or "Drinking For Dummies" and even "Do You Have A Condom In Your Purse?" I told you they were stupid.

I've really made it a point to not hold anything back. Any and everything is discussed from embarassing shit to potentially incriminating, law-breaking stuff. It sort of swings from the serious to crazy to funny to weird. I basically have no real voice and the end product will probably be a very strange, all over the place, collage of crap. I am managing to keep it all in the first-person though. It's starting to make the main character (which is basically me) look like a villain, and not the type of villain you sort of root for, although thats the end goal.

Finding time in my work schedule when I'm not dating, drinking or sleeping is proving to be a bit difficult thus far. I'm not going to stop though...

Which Way Are You Heading?

*Diablo Cody: Exotic dancer turned Oscar winner. Greatness can find people in some strange places.

"The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until your young enugh to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play,you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating..............and you finish off as an orgasm." -George Carlin

Carlin has got it right.

What are we saving for? (or in my case attempting to save for?) A house? Your own kids? So that when your 75 you don't have to worry about anything? Seriously....I'm asking you. I'm assuming most save for the comfort that a lot of money will give them. Less overall stress in the long run I suppose?

I question this system thats in place...(but if you're still reading this blog then you probably already know this)

Answer me this question, which relative or friend's relative are you more interested in hearing about? The one who worked for Sears for 45 years, build a nice little nest egg, has a nice house in the same neighborhood he grew up in and just celebrated his 55 anniversary with the one women he has ever been with? Or do you want to hear about your wild great uncle, the one who took a motorcycle across America, the one who was always the life of the party, the one who made you drink a beer when your were 10, the one who did some things that are best left unsaid .... he's probably the one who is on his 4th or 5th wife...

The next question is...who cares about either one? Are we living for other people or what they may think of us?

I guess I'm just saying that there is nothing wrong with living life on the straight and narrow. This is how people are told to live and it has been done this way forever. It works. It's a cold steel machine that says if you bust your ass and do what your told, you will die in peace.

I just wonder if the human body was built to just trudge to work everyday... to marry and be with one person... to see the same, day in and day out...

Maybe there's a reason why the people on the fringes of society, the artists, the "free-spirits", and the job journeymen are the poorest people. They couldn't handle the grind and wanted something different. The everyday struggle will never really leave them.

I'm not sure where this post was heading and I don't really have some moral or grand theme to end it either. I just have an idea that my life is not exactly heading down the well worn path and while that could change at a moments notice, I pray it doesn't. Not having a plan and not knowing what's next is kind of nice.

Excuses Excuses

Ok so I was planning on sitting down when I got off work tonight (Sunday/Monday) at midnight and dropping an awesome blogpiece on you, but then.... well.... plans changed.

I was the closing bartender and the closing waitstaff and kitchen wanted to go hit some bars with me. So needless to say, I did that instead of coming straight home to blogging and YouPorn.

Friends, women and booze will always supercede blogging and surfing the internet. ALWAYS!

In other JackGoesForth news, it was a good weekend for my empire on a variety of fronts. Updates on my life and this piece of shit I call a book will be made in a few days. Also I'm planning on blogging a lot this week... My real life kind of got in the way of my blog life last week. Thank god.




But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? -Camus




At work I hear so many people worry about what they have to do tomorrow or how their going to feel tomorrow... You're in a bar having a cold beer right at this moment... Why not enjoy the present and deal with tomorrow when it comes? Your mind is what makes your life and your tomorrow so bad. -JackGoesForth (Yes, I'm a philosopher now... One of my friends called me that while we were out drinking last night)