Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I just bought Kitchen Confidential (Ok, so I'm a bit behind the curb) and I may have just found a new book to add to my favorites. I'm only 40 pages in, but it's obvious that Anthony Bourdain can write a mean book. The above quote is spot on also. Check it out if you work in a restaurant or like food or just like good, slightly filthy writing.
I'm going back to the couch at 3 PM on a Wednesday to continue reading and then I may meet a friend for a drink or go to a cafe and do some writing/people watching.
Life is Good ;)
*The word "meritocracy" is now also often used to describe a type of society where wealth, position, and social status are in part assigned through competition or demonstrated talent and competence, on the premise that positions of trust, responsibility and social prestige should be earned, not inherited or assigned on arbitrary quotas.
Monday, April 28, 2008
I shutter with orgasm and keep it in as deep as possible until I feel every last drop come out. I lay on her, unable to move for a minute and we keep deeply kissing, our mouths almost wide open on each others even though the sex is finished. I roll off and we're both panting and looking at the ceiling. Then almost simultaneously we begin to giggle and smile for no reason except that at this moment we are free of all the stresses and money problems and one year old baby problems and life decisions and health problems. This one moment we are not of this world. We smile, wide, crows feet-making, genuine smiles. She lays across my torso and we lay in our own sweat with nothing on our minds except each other. Although brief, this moment must be near the apex of human happiness. Possibly.
We make love again that night and again in the morning. In the morning our breaths and bodies reek of cigarettes and the night before, but we still lock into each other without insecurites and without concern. It's beautiful, violent and fast. The type of sex that it takes some couples months or even years to cultivate, if ever. The type of uninhibited sex where you know that you have morning breath and you know that your body smells but you still hold nothing back. Your breath mingles and sweat mingles with theirs and no one is saying, "oh let me go brush my teeth first."
I have to work a double at Drink Bar that day so I get up to shower and start the recovery process. We're ready to leave by 9:30 and I walk with her outside and the day is miserable and wet. My head is swimming and the rain only compounds the issue. Sara and I kiss and we promise to call each other tonight and tomorrow and hang out next weekend and do this and do that... The usual spiel that two people will give each other after a night of sex. I look in her eyes and can tell that she really means these comments, she really does have feelings for me.
She drives off and I get into my car. I put my head on the wheel for a second and start to mentally prepare myself for 14 hours of work.
I feel a bit melancholy, even a bit bored. I look back on the past 24 hours and the whole scenario seems very commonplace, although to anyone else I doubt it would. Sara doesn't realize it. She's to enraptured with it all, she's content in the idea of us being together and falling in love. She's used to the emotions that ordinary people are used to.
What I know though, is that this thing that we created the night before means nothing. In a few days this thing will cease to exist within me and not even by choice. It will just dissipate like every other good thing does. I will have another passionate night with another girl within a few weeks. Sara will call and text and finally, exasperated, she'll call and say,
"What happened Jack? I thought we had something real?"
I'll be flippant and dismiss her cries and eventually I'll forget about her altogether. This isn't what normal people do, but me? I'll go on my way, confident that I can create these feelings and emotions with another girl....and the truth is... I can. Anybody can.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
The post is short and blissfully simple.
excerpt: I wonder what it feels like to be a rubber duck getting plucked off the track, away from the safe but predictable current. It seems like it’d be scary, flying in the air like that, away from what you know, with little hint of what’s going to happen next. But I don’t know of a better way for a duck to live.
This post reminds me of why I started blogging in the first place. It reminds me that I'm not ready to live an ordinary life or take the highway that so many others have taken.
The post makes me mad that I waste time writing crap and not thinking of stuff like this. It makes me mad that I'm not doing something great and huge and groundbreaking. It makes me feel like a rubber duck.
I'm not going to be a Rubber Duck, all bunched up, all exactly alike, all living the same life... I can't be. There's to much I have to do with this life to let that happen.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I was ready to write a book.
So I get to a coffee shop with free wi-fi on the west end of Richmond around noon and set up my labtop. I get some lunch and decide that a little online poker is in order before I get poppin. An hour passes (I ended up 50 bucks to the positive by the way) and I then decide to walk next door to the Sprint store and check out new phones (I didn't buy one, thank god) and then I end up reading some J.Joyce (Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man) for a bit. Next thing I know, two and half hours have passed and I haven't typed a single word.
But....... this would change.
I'm not sure if it was the caffeine or some devine force inside of me, but around 2:30 PM I started to have some ideas and I started banging away at the keyboard, without going back to correct grammatical errors (thanks commenters).
When I finally finished around 4 PM, I had put out 7 pages of material (12 point font, microsoft word) and quite honestly, it wasn't that bad. I actually had to re-read it a few times because it shocked me how it actually turned out. On my way to the bar I was considering revising the pages I typed today and sending them off to various editors and publishers. This was definately the caffeine thinking for me, but the caffeine may have stumbled upon a decent idea. It's kind of a "go big or go home" mentality, which I think is the only way to go about things.
I almost put a few paragraphs on the blog tonight but decided that these would be the first of many awesome paragraphs and that I would save that for a few weeks.
I can do this. I'm doing this. There's no turning back now.
I'm punching out another hour or two of writing tomorrow before my shift.
I'm also looking forward to Saturday for reasons that I won't divulge on the blog. Lets just say that I got someone to cover my shift at the bar, it's going to be sunny, there's a river with rocks to lounge on, a Richmond wine festival, and a girl involved.
Jack is a happy boy :)
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
But then I worked and went to sleep and then I woke up.... and it's a new day and the motivation is right back up again and I want to keep going.
If I can put together more than one good paragraph every once and awhile then I'll post some snippets on the blog. Be forewarned...Its contents are starting to make the blog look quite tame...
Monday, April 21, 2008
I've been talking, thinking, posting, dreaming, wondering, hoping and planning in the past few weeks about some projects that I've wanted to undertake. Most of them are far-fetched and some might even call them foolish, but none are impossible.
I'm in a place right now where I have no responsibility, no concept of time, and only the wind and my crazy, moody emotions can lead me. I have some very steady, very consistant bartending gigs to provide a living. I have a lot of daylight time on my hands. Most importantly, I'm starting to become absolutely fearless with how I want to live my life.
I've been toying with the idea to write seriously for awhile, but honestly, I just didn't think I had the chops for it. I have brief moments of bulletproof confidence that makes me think I can undertake the arduous task of writing a novel, but for the most part I just don't think I have the follow-thru or the talent to make it happen. Even bulletproof confidence tends to wilt at the grand idea of writing a book.... Even writing this post I'm having crazy confidence swings about whether or not I should post this idea.
Well, maybe I can do this and maybe I won't be able to finish and maybe I'll end up looking like a bigger idiot than I already do.....But I'm going to write a book.
The only reason I post this is because I need and want some accountability for this decision. I'm going to see this shit thru come hell or highwater and the small amount of people who read this blog (about 150 peeps a day) will be there to either see me succeed and produce a mediocre book, or fail and be like every other major idea most people will have in their lives.
I have a broad outline for what I want to do, and I have A LOT of ideas that need to be put on paper. The only thing I can say with confidence is that there will be a good amount of self-autobiographical material involved and a small mix of fiction. (Think Augusten Burroughs or James Frey. Although I'll admit that some of my work is made up unlike these dudes.) I just think its a matter of pushing my ass and using the daylight and nighttime hours I have to bang out the words and once that's done.... well, then I'll let the chips fall where they may.
My life is in constant flux, constantly changing, and constantly shocking me... I've gotten calls regarding jobs in DC recently, I've gotten other bartending gigs offered, old jobs have contacted me, I get ideas to do this and that and everything in between...everything is flying at warp speed....I'm excited about life and about this decision, and it has to start now. Something big is going to happen...this I know for a fact, and I also know that this feeling (of grandeur?) won't go away.
I'm resigned to the fact that whatever the end product is or even the mid-product, may not be a masterpiece, but it will be something that you can hold and something I can be proud of. I have the time and the energy now, and now is the best time to do anything...
Blog will continue as always and updates will follow frequently. Wish me luck or wish me failure, but whatever you do, don't bet against me :)
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Why am I dressing for a 4:30 PM work shift at 11 Am??? Am I ever late for anything? Ever? Nope I have to be early....fuck. Constantly thinking about sex, the breeze blows or a I make a strange movement and all of a sudden I'm horny as a bull. Coffee shop girl--can't write, can't think, just staring and wondering what it would be like to be on top of you. Would my friends think you were cute enough to date? Does a girl have to overly cute for me to date her? Be seen out and about with her? hmmm....probably. Should I even attempt to make a move? I see you everyday and lets face it, we would work... but I come here to much. Don't need to ruin my atmosphere. Well....maybe....we'll see coffee shop girl. I can only fake the mean guy with a soft side for only so long though....its mostly soft side with a few violent rages thrown in for good measure... I think we might work.
Next up, my brain is flooded and free form writing is starting to take form, albeit a loose schedule of my Tuesday, but form nevertheless. At lunch I see an old friend, at a cafe I see an old friend. Its all, "What happened to DC? Whats the deal? Oh you're working at that bar now? Whaa?" Then its all me, " Figuring out the basics of life, etc, etc, still the same old Jack...just better and prettier." Both: "Lets kick it soon, same phone numbers, same everything... Anything new to bring to the plate? probably not...
Now can only think about what the plan is for tomorrow night. Nights out have taken a whole new meaning, adventure, strange women are a must, strange places are a must, want to live it all up. Should I take a date out? Should I get drunk as a clam? Should I make it a solo adventure into the night? How about all three? I need to have sex soon, and now, and with someone beautiful. No more wasting sex on the unbeautiful...looks are a must but don't be a bore, don't bore me with stupid conversation, be mean, be sarcastic, be a complete bitch just don't be stupid. I need a girl to take to the river with me...certain times demand a female's presence and or wit....god just don't be witless. I won't fake being nice anymore to dates
Richmond gets a little better everyday and I get a little better too...
Ednote: this post was banged out in 8 minutes, 2 minutes longer than most of my intercourse sessions last, although I saw on the CNN news ticker the other day that quickies are good for you....so umm, take that.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Strawberry Hill was all that and a bag of Funyuns all over my backseat, and luckily(or unluckily) I didn't get completely smashfaced. On a good note I got three calls in 15 minutes wanting me to work doubles for the next two days. I was a bit out of mind and took the shifts without really thinking about how its gonna suck to work 15 hours straight hungover.... But I need the money, and I need something to quell the boredom.... 9 days of work starting Sunday. There's rarely any rest for the weary.
A randon concert after Strawberry Hill for free with the Miller Lite People (CitizenCope) at Richmond's new concert hall, The National and some random conversations and what not, have this blogger feeling a bit blue, a bit confused, a bit everything...
Booze, emotions, people: Not a good mix.
It makes me wonder how I developed and maintain such a tough shell when it's easily cracked at certain moments
*On a more awesome note, on Friday afternoon I was doing my hobo thing at Cafe Gutenberg with a friend, and we happened to meet Ben Folds there, an ultra emo, piano-playing genius. I was and still am syced about the chance encounter. I really think he appreciated when I gave him the fist in the air and a whooping, "yoooooooo, it's BEN FOLDS!!!!!!!" as he walked by.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
"Jack, whats up? You coming out? C'mon man you said you would hit the town on Wednesday. We got some girls to meet at (bar name redacted), then we'll hit up (bar name redacted). Its gonna be legen....wait for it....dary!!!"
I hesitate. I don't have to work til tomorrow night so a hangover isn't a major concern, but do I really have the drive and the energy to head out tonight??? to bring my "A" game????
I have trouble saying no sometimes....
Fuck it.... You're only young once
I'm heading over to the fan.... I can only assume that something blogerific will happen and I plan on entertaining you with that tale of adventure or woe or sex or beastiality come tomorrow afternoon or at 3:30 AM Thursday morning.
Heres to avoiding (a lot of) shots and packing a condom.... cheers!
*posted at 10:17 PM Wednesday night.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friday, April 4, 2008
I'm not bashing old people by posting this quote....
god knows I'll be there one day too... Its just a good quote.
For those that care, Wallace Stevens was a modernist post who found success in his late thirties, although he did hold down a real job throughout his illustrious writing career.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
I just wrapped up Terminator 2 and that in combination with a recent post critiquing me and my lifestyle choices seen here: (blog name/post removed. I don't feel like sending anyone else to this guy's lame blog. If you really want to read the post just shoot me an email) got me thinking.
One, I'm fairly sure that the "machines" will not be sending the more advanced T-1000 back in time to kill me. I will never be that important. I'm starting to accept I will probably not be a famous actor or basketball player. While I will probably be a decent soldier in the fight against the machines and one of few remaining humans, I will not be John Conner.
Two, the above post I linked spoke about how I'm wasting my life/time/whatever... Basically its the polar opposite of the shit I talk about. One thing this guy said was that with the lifestyle I'm leading I will have nothing to show for my life at the age of 35.
Hes right and wrong.
He's right, in that I won't have a McMansion and some middle management job at IBM. I most likely won't have a kid either, unless some broad tricks me and lets a couple of my guys slip past the goalie. On this path I will have some money, but not really the amount that other people would consider to be a substantial amount.
He's wrong, in that I will have a great deal to show for my youth. Theres the obvious stuff like great experiences, college degree, a lot of women, great friends, relationships, etc.... But then we come to the other side of the spectrum. What will I physically have to show for my years? Do I really need anything to show??? I say no but lets keep going....
This is where the idea of "projects" come to mind. Its an idea I lifted from Roosh V as he always seems to have something other than his blog to occupy his time, although I do consider this blog to be a very serious project for me right now.
What can I do with my spare time and lack of responsibility? Write a book? Maybe. Try some freelance journalism around Richmond? More likely. Become a certified personal trainer and spend some of my time on that? Something I'm interested in. Read more books??? Already working on it.
I'm finding out everyday that I have a very creative mind... Now I just need to harness it and put it to use. Theres no better time than now to get started (and that goes for everyone and everything, not just me.)
Oh and the answer to the question, What are you accumulating???? THIS: More real, enjoyable, honest to blog, beautiful, scary, dangerous, completely idiotic, embarassing, confidence-building, life experience than almost anyone I know....
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
Lets compare a normal Tuesday for Jack Goes Forth now (April 1st) and four months ago (December 1st). You tell me which is better....
December 1st: Lived in Arlington VA. I woke up every day at 6:30 AM and dragged myself to the bathroom mirror. As I looked at my reflection the gradual fear of another stressful workday begin to sink in. It was all I could do to not smash my head into the mirror as I would rather spend the rest of the week in a hospital than in my cramped, little office in downtown DC. I somehow collected myself and made it to the metro around 8 AM. The entire metro process really did not help my day get any better. Cramming into the orange line like a sardine is an awful experience and seeing the pitiful looks on 95 % of the people's faces only reinforced this fact. Occasionally it would be extremely packed and I would have to use my size and scowl to force my way on the train...this always sucked.
Work was a never-ending cold call in which I repeatedly got told NO and was repeatedly disappointed. This was broken up by the daily call from my superior in NYC who liked to tell me how I was the worst of her new hires and that I wasn't reaching my potential.
The only solice I had was the fact that I could get up and walk out for coffee and food anytime I wanted...which I did about 10 times a day. The breaks always sucked because I knew what I had to come back to.
The only thing that kept me going were Thursdays when I would go out with co-workers and burn the roof off and then every other Friday when I would get a massive check deposited into my account.
I constantly lived in fear of getting fired and I constantly dreaded going to the office. Even when some real success seemed immenent I was still in a state of despression from my daily routine and I'm fairly sure that no amount of money or commissions would have changed this.
Weekends consisted of binge-drinking my face off and trying to forget how much I hated my new life and the awful decision I had made in taking this corporate gig.
I felt lethargic and tired a good amount of the time.
April 1st: I'm living in Richmond VA (my hometown). I wake up anywhere from 9 AM to 1 PM depending on if I worked or went out the night before. I usually meet one of my close buddies or a fellow bartender for lunch or breakfast. We lounge about, laugh, hit on waitresses and talk about the things in life that interest us. This is either preceded or followed with coffee and then an intense trip to the gym. I've fallen in love once again with the gym and music and there are times when the music is so good that I simply can't leave the gym. When I do leave I feel like 10 million dollars.
I then hit Barnes and Noble or Cafe Gutenberg where I read some magazines and books while slowly idling away the time until work, unless I'm working a lunch shift and in that case this whole process just happens at night instead of during the day.
I get to work at 4 PM and begin setting up. I finish up this and usually grab a bite to eat before we get slammed with customers. Once business starts booming I'm so busy taking orders, mixing drinks, closing checks, flirting with girls, joking with the other bartenders... that I'll look up and all of a sudden the lights are on and the bouncers are clearing people out. Then we count our registers and begin clean up. Of course we also make our own drinks and relax a bit. Depending on which bar I'm at I either get out at 1 AM or 4-5 AM. Then I go home with my money, my health and a smile on my face. Work is over for the day... There will no bosses to report to the next morning, no reports due, no client meetings. There will only be life as it was meant to be lived.... With friends and family and with the things that make you happy...which I should note, are things that money will never be able to buy you.
I'm in a good place right now