Drunk Blog Alert #346

So it's Monday night, or more accurately Tuesday morning at 2 AM. I went out tonight and painted Richmond red with a lovely brownish color(Tuaca). Heres my thoughts from a halfway decent night:


-I rocked the Mic at multiple karaoke nights tonight. Its seems like Monday is Karaoke night here in the RVA. My totally kick-ass choices: "Cumbersome" by Seven Mary Three while I was still only semi-intoxicated and then later on I rocked the mic with "Funky Cold Medina" by the man, the myth, the legend.... Tone Loc. Luckily I had a guest MC on the mic for Tone Loc. She rocked pretty hard, though not nearly at the level of rockitude I had broughten to the table. I think that in Tone Loc I found a new Karaoke go-to guy, so thats the awesome news from tonight.


-and now on a serious note... Does anyone ever get drunk and miss their exes???? Thats a trick question because I know that everyone gets drunk and misses their exes. Tonight I went out alone and got drunk alone (although I knew the bars and most of the people I was with) and towards the end of the night....i.e.: NOW. I'm tending to get lonely.

Its times like these when I actually want to be in a relationship and have that someone to be with and joke with and touch and smell and do naughty things with.... I know this feeling will be gone tomorrow morning but I still can't shake it right now. Basically I'll go to bed with my Ipod listening to slower/lover type shit (Ben Folds, Aqualung,Keane) and feel somewhat sad.

....It almost makes me want to find that awesome girl who I'm so into....

Whats sucks is....

I tend to meet that awesome girl every night, only she turns out to have multiple cracks in her veneer that steers me away.... and lets be honest, for the most part I don't want anything that resembles a relationship....


Ugh, quarterlife questions that will remain unanswered...


No wait, I already know the answer!!!!!!!!!!


... Don't get locked into a relationship at 24.

Be strong JGF!!!!! The awesome times far outweigh the lonely times....


EdNote: I also guest MC'ed on Rick Ross's "Everyday I'm Hustling" and I purposely made sure to put "Tone Loc" in italics because he's the man.... Ace Ventura anyone???????????

Blog-Blocked!!!!

Dear Blog,

STOP COCKBLOCKING ME!!!!! Seriously, if you run another girl off with your acerbic wit and rough-edged lifestyle I may just have to consider discontinuing you.....

...wait...

Blog...

I'm sorry...

I didn't mean that.

You're more important to me than any one girl... I promise buddy. Infact I appreciate your honesty and your bluntness in stating the facts. Other people appreciate it to, I know because I see the emails.

Continue your hilarity and I'll continue to meet women and send them your way... You can be my "filter" for determining whether a girl is cool or not. If she doesn't appreciate you, then surely she is an insufferable bore... not to mention, a complete and utter lesbian.

I could also consider just not telling girls about you...

no no no... Thats not my style

...

I'm sorry again for being such a bitch. We're going to continue to let the chips fall where they may, consequences be damned!!!! :)

With sweet sweet man love,

Your friend,

Jack

Bloody Face and NYC

Taken at 5 AM, 1-1-07 in Brooklyn NYC. The pic doesn't do the injury justice.

I've been hesitant to recount this story because of some of my actions and the people involved, but due to a recent bill I received, I feel it is now time.


Last week I got a bill from the Brooklyn/Wyckoff Hospital for 700$. This surprised me because its been a year and three months since I was in this hospital, I had health insurance at the time, and I paid a bill for 45 dollars about 13 months ago that I had assumed had finished the matter. Apparently through some sort of insurance BS, or some sort of collections snafu the matter is not settled yet.... Needless to say, JGF will not be paying this 700$ without putting up a huge fight and/or taking many months to do so. The point of me telling you this is not to complain about this bogus bill, but rather how I ended up in a Brooklyn hospital 15 months ago. Some particular events of the night had to be omitted, but I'll do my best to tell the story.

The reason I had driven to Brooklyn NYC a few days before New Years 06'-07' was for a woman. She was beautiful, smart and at times, batshit crazy. I was of course head over heels for her. I didn't trust her, I didn't know a hell of a lot about her, but she had something that was incredibly attractive and exciting. I had made this trip 2 times before and each time I liked her more and liked NYC even more than her.

This partcular trip had been wonderful so far. Time out spent drinking, a visit to her families home on Long Island, dinners, sex, and just a lovely all around time. The plan for New Years was a party at a friends in Chinatown Manhattan (she lived in the Bushwick section of Brooklyn). We went to the party and had a great time. Drinking, eating and I got to hang out with her girlfriends and her sister. At some point in the evening(around 2 am) we decided to venture back into Brooklyn and hit her favorite bar in Williamsburg. I was pretty lit up so of course I'm game. We go with a few other people and at first its pretty fun. More drinking and some other pharmaceuticals get involved. Heres where the story gets strange/interesting...

At this bar( kind of a dark, Moroccan-themed, smoky place) I end up meeting these three Puerto Rican guys. At this point I have no idea where my girl is and I'm sure I don't care either. From what I can recall I speak with these guys for a long time, even going as far to buy them Coronas and shots of my favorite Tequila, Don Julio. I never saw the next thing coming....

Apparently these guys had taken offense to something I said (I did sort of lecture about how great Don Julio is) or they took offense to my nice suit, apparent money and the group of beautiful women I was with. I think it was the later one because I sort of remember one of these guys mentioning how lucky I was. But anyways, I remember turning my back to them and bellying up the bar for my beer, as I turned back around I felt the smash of glass and a lot of wetness on the side of my face. I looked ahead and there was no one there. I then remember turning back to the bar and taking a huge gulp of beer and acting like nothing had happened.

Bystanders told me that one of the guys was standing at the back door, one of the guys was holding me and the other one wound up with a full Corona and smashed it into my temple. They all then dashed out the back door.
I looked down and my entire suit was covered in wetness and my white shirt was now completely red. I got rushed outside in a sort of daze. The attackers were long gone. I honestly didn't feel an ounce of pain. My body was so pumped up with booze and other stuff that it just didn't register.

A long story short, I should've been taken to the hospital immediately, but I convinced the girls that I was fine and it was nothing. We went back to her place and abused more substances. I vaguely remember the sun rising and the girl trying to initiate sex. I was completely destroyed and a bloody mess, so sex didnt happen. Looking back, that whole scenario is semi-hilarious actually. Me, naked, blood all over my face, completely unable to fornicate...and her, laying naked next to me, completely out of her mind on substnces, pleasuring herself and trying to coerce me into sex. (Ed.Note: I contemplated not adding that part, but I have to be honest to the blog code. Sorry to the party involved and sorry to the people who may refer to me as their son....)

So I woke up the next afternoon covered in blood, the girl had blood all over her, and the bed sheets were ruined with a huge red stain. My head was still gushing. I finally went to the hospital at 5 PM the next day and was told there was nothing they could do. You can't get stitches 12 hours after a wound is made due to the high risk of infection. It would've been 28 stitches from what they said. They cleaned it and gave me a tetanus shot but that was it. The doctor jokingly said that I could forget about a career in modeling. It looked pretty rough. I still carry a scar and an f-ed up hair line on the left side of my head.

I had to drive back the next day for work, and then went around for the next three weeks with a head wrap on. On three occasions the wound re-opened in an account and ran down the side of my face and neck much to horror of my clients.... ha

Looking back it's an interesting story. I thought back then that it would bring me and this "girl" closer, but it probably just made her realize how immature I was (and am). Even through that, if given the chance I would still drop everything and move to NYC/Brooklyn in a heartbeat if given the chance. Theres a whole other energy in that city thats unlike anything I'd ever experienced.

I ended up dating another girl up in the area a few months back, and every time I was driving into the city or even saw the buildings from I-95, I'd get chills. I can vividly remember every experience I had there and hopefully, if I'm lucky, there will be many many more experiences in the future.

Deep Thoughts With Jack #3

Dunkin Donuts: JGF's new corporate sponsor. They don't know about this yet, but I'll let my girl Shauna know when I hit my local Dunkin Donuts/ Shell Gas Station combo before work tonight.

Ed.Note: Work schedule and general blog apathy have limited this to a "Jack's Thoughts" post. Hopefully I'll drop the blog hotness in the next few days though.


-Its incredible how many other job offers I've gotten in the past few weeks of bartending. It seems like all of the people I knew from liquor-repping are suddenly coming out of the woodwork with bartending jobs. For the time being I'm set at my current gigs but its nice to know that I have some options out there. It looks like I'm adding a third place to work at one night a week though. Obviously money is important when selecting a job, but in the long-term I think loyalty is the key ingredient with finding a really solid bar gig.


- Budgeting money and paying bills is a lot different when you don't recieve a weekly or bi-weekly paycheck. Instead I come home with a pile of cash and then have to decide whether to deposit it daily for bills for just let it sit around while I build up a bank roll to pay all my bills at once. Its scary because with my spending habits (or hopefully old spending habits) it can be dangerous for me to have so much cash sometimes. On the flipside it tends to work out great when I know that I have a bill due and I need to pay it in 1-2 days. Ex. Lets say I owe 75 dollars for my cell bill and 110 for car insurance. I know that I'll be able to cover that from one night of work, so I simply devote one shift to those bills and the next morning I go deposit the money and pay the bills.


- I feel like I've met a plethora of really cool, good-looking girls in the past few weeks. I'm almost confused by how I should handle it all. Dates? Phone calls? Who do I actually want to go for? Pros and cons? I know I like one a good deal but there seems to be some complications there, while I know I'm feeling so-so on one and shes complication free. I think I'm going to attempt to either choose one and go full-bore or simply remain single and keep truckin. I guess there are worse problems to have.... :)


- I find with my daily free time that I'm able to read much more now. Its funny that since I've left the real world and started bartending, I've actually started drinking less and getting smarter.


-Coffee connoisseur: I always have been a coffee/latte nerd, but I'm really taking it to the next level. My absolute new fix and the new official coffee of Jackgoesforth blog???? Dunkin Dounts. This shit takes Starbucks out behind the woodshed and makes it his bitch, although McDonalds puts up a pretty mean fight. I refuse to drink coffee every day because I want to keep my caffeine highs up in the Andes somewhere. I generally only hit it 3-4 times a week before work, gym, or something requiring my concentration. I know some people who get grinding headaches without their fix....I'll be fine without those.


- Recent workout jams on the Jackgoesforth Ipod:

• Anything from "A Perfect Circle". I've always liked Tool and A Perfect Circle is Tool frontman Maynard James Keenan's side project. Recommended songs: "3 Libra's" and "Judith"


• Anything from Interpol. I got on the Interpol train late and now I play it constantly. I even wear my Ipod and listen to Interpol while brushing my teeth.


• System of a Down. Recommended songs: "Hypnotize" and "BYOB". If I drink coffee before the gym this shit will make me want to fight people over weight benches.


• For some reason I've been digging back into Wu-Tang lately. Especially ODB's first album. Basically anything with loud cussing and sick basslines will get me amped. Classic Reco: "Brooklyn Zoo"


• 30 Seconds from Mars. Pretty boy Jared Leto's band. Rocks hard. Reco's: "Battle of One", "Attack"


• Chevelle: Similar to Tool yet softer. Very good workout shit. Reco's : "Send the Pain Below", "I Get It", "The Red".


• Weezer, The Blue Album. I used to live and die for this album and then I stopped listening to it for years. I just re-downloaded it. Incredible, incredible stuff.

Quotes:

Let me listen to me and not to them.

Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing there is a field.... I'll meet you there.

“Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand-and melting like a snowflake...”

Sunday Night Drinkfest

Did anyone catch the number of the train that hit me last night?

Ugh, I haven't been this hungover since last week. Of course a Dewars at dinner, 4 huge Ketel and Sodas, 9 PBRs and a shot of Van Gogh Double Expresso Vodka will tend to have that effect on a person.

Don't get me wrong, it was fun and seeing as how it was the first night I had off in 10-11 days, I made it a point to get a healthy buzz going. I also had a guest wingwoman for part of the night, although that wasn't very fruitful. I think she got more enjoyment from my failings than actually succeeding with a girl.

Anyways, so I was feeling so good at one point that I actually hit on a group of girls with the line, "cheers....heres to the crucifixion ladies!" Then I smiled and took a huge gulp of beer. Now I know what Easter is and I know that this was a wildly inappropriate comment, but they smiled and laughed. This started a conversation about what Easter really is and yada yada yada.

I also made eye contact with one tall, cute, blonde girl. She then proceeded to stroll past and in a lame attempt to stop her I stammered out, "uh, hey, how are you?" She said "fine" and proceeded to keep moving. This elicted laughter and jokes from my wingwoman and her friend.... But this story isn't over. I saw her again at the bar across the street and this time I wouldn't be denied. I got someone to introduce me and we began speaking. Turns out shes a bartender also (isn't everyone whos out on a Sunday night?). It also turns out that she wasn't that interesting, or just really drunk, but I got her number anyways. That number is not gonna get called though. Infact I was so hammered at that point that I probably couldn't pick her out a police line-up today.

Another thing was I ended up seeing a lot of old, familiar faces and the night was a blur of funny conversation and good times. It was the type of night that makes me remember that Richmond really isn't that bad.

I gotta give a shout out to my wingwoman for the fun times, although as a wingwoman she probably couldn't get me laid in a whorehouse. :)

Good stuff, but now I gotta get back on my grind and make some money. I'll see you all at the bar.

Tough Choice

Date 1: Shes 27 years old. We meet at a bar and have some drinks and an appetizer. We change venues and have another few drinks. We laugh and flirt and have a good, tame date. We make out a bit in my car and she confesses that she has a major crush on me. She wants to go on another date in a few days. We may end up having sex on this date but she doesn't want me to not "respect" her. Cost: 57 bucks and 5 hours on a Thursday night.


Date 2: Shes 19 years old. She meets me at my house at midnight after I get off work. She brings a box of Franzia (or I should say a bag of Franzia as she has already torn the box off.) We lay on the couch, listen to Interpol, and pour wine into each others mouth. We gradually lose the clothes and take the bag of wine to the shower. We make love and its fun. We end up sharing some microwave lasagna when hungry. Cost: 0 dollars and 4 hours after I've already gotten off work and made money.


This is a tough decision.... psh


Ed.Note: This is a ummmm....fictional post.

Do You Have Any Specials Right Now????

Doug: (Introducing Himself) Douglas Coughlin, Logical Negativist. Flourished in the last part of the 20th Century. Propounded a set of laws the world generally ignores, to its detriment.

Days get shorter and shorter, nights longer and longer, before you know it, your life is just one long night with a few comatose daylight hours. -Brian Flanigan (Cocktail)

This quote pretty much sums up the last 10 days of my life. I sleep until 1-2 PM, hit the gym where I am infact, comatose, then its off to work at 4 or 4:30. I generally try to squeeze in a masterbation period and some light reading, but thats about it.

The flipside to this is that I love my job. I like rocking out to good DJ's while I'm slinging drinks. I like it when girls slide me their phone number on their checks. I like sneaking the occasional shot of Gran Marnier. I like seeing my friends come in and get drunk. I like mixing up all sorts of crazy drinks and shots. I like standing for hours at a time and hardly ever eating.... Its really fleshing out my torso which I look at as a good thing.

Another cool thing is that when I actually do have a night off it makes it that much better. That first Ketel and Soda or that first Guinness tastes that much better. My friends are that much more fun. Every night out now is becoming an adventure instead of the ho-hum Fridays and Saturdays I used to spend. I'm making a ton of new acquantances. I look forward to sex more and the women are definately getting hotter.

There are some downsides.... My beautiful hands are becoming disfigured due to not having a night off and them constantly getting put through the ringer. Asshole customers( although this is a rarer occurance than most bartenders would have you believe.) Slower nights where the money/hours worked ratio isn't exactly in my favor(also rare). Having to miss some events and nights out with buddys due to work, although thats a small sacrifice at this point.

People can say that bartending has no future, but those people haven't met me. I've gotten more contacts and networked more in the last two weeks than I have in my entire life, and thats saying something because I've always talked to anyone and everyone.

To put it another way, I love bartending and I love this period of my life, there are no worries as to my future because I just know that something good will happen. Thats all there is to it... I just know.



Ed.Note: Excuse the constant barage of bartending posts. If I had anything else going on I would write about that instead....

Ed.Note II: Bartender "game" is almost an unbeatable system. Trust me, you can't beat me in a pick up contest. You really can't. You can have all fucking night to close the deal...but my money is on the bartender. Although it can be a bit vexing because I don't get out of work until 4-5 -6 AM most nights... still, save your breath kid. :)

Deep Thoughts With Jack

No time for a coherant blog post so heres some thoughts from the past few days:

- I am now officially a vampire. I've been getting out of work around 5 AM and witnessing the city light up and the birds chirping. Then I get home, sleep til 2PM and I'm back at work by 4:30PM. Tonight I'm at bartending job#2 though and it closes at midnight, so I can look forward to getting home by 2 AM. Don't get me wrong, I'm not complaining about the schedule. Theres something exhilarating about driving home with a pocket full of cash while other people are rising to begin work for the day.

- I work with a lot of 20 and 30 somethings and it seems like all of them are striving to graduate from college. They all have "class" and "papers" to take care of. They seem to really want to graduate and get out in the real world. Meanwhile I graduated 3 1/2 years ago and have been in the real world, and I want nothing to do with it. People are shocked when I tell them I took up bartending full time because I hated real jobs. Although from how hard I've been busting my ass I'm hesitant to say bartending isn't a real job. It seems pretty fucking real to me.

- As expected, ladies do infact like bartenders. This is no secret. Maybe its my heavy hand when I'm pouring them cocktails?

- I know its been said, many times, many ways..... but I despise flaky, disrespectful girls. I keep getting suckered into little phone and texts games because these girls are hot, and I end up thinking about shit to much. Well, no more.... I guess I'm just a sucker for beautiful women.... who isn't???

- When a bar holds a female jello wrestling contest, you begin to wonder if this is the right place to work at... Then you stop acting like a pussy and realize that yes, this is the overwhelmingly right place to work at. :)

Monday is MAN DAY: Featuring John Daly

Brief Bio:

The Good: 2-Time Major Championship winner on the PGA tour. 3rd most popular golfer on tour behind Tiger Woods and Phil Mikkelson. One of the greatest long drives in the history of the sport. Nicknamed "Long" John Daly for his massive tee shot and from what I've read, his huge manhood (Apparently he has the propensity to pull it out a lot when he's drinking.)

The Bad: On-again, off-again alcoholic. Once drank a fifth of Jack Daniels a day. Heavy smoker and tends to consume about 15 diet cokes a day. Very overweight.

The Ugly: By his own admission he estimates that he has lost somewhere in the neighborhood of 50-60 million dollars due to his heavy gambling problem. His main vice in the casinos? 5,000 dollar slot machines.

The Extremely Ugly: On his 4th or 5th marriage from what I can gather. Was arrested for 3rd degree assault for throwing wife #2 into a wall. 3rd wife was arrested for attacking him with a steak knife. Also involved in other various domestic disputes many times over.

Quotes from "Long" John or about him:

"I believe nicotine plus caffeine equals protein."

"Nobody can know what's in my heart. Nobody can know what I'm thinking. I know what I've got to do."

“My life is upside-down right now,” Daly said. “No matter what I do, it’s wrong. I’m thinking of writing a new song. I’ll call it, ‘I guess it’s my fault, even when it’s not my fault.”’

John Daly once saw Tiger Woods heading to the PGA's workout trailor and proceeded to ask Tiger why he worked out so much. Tiger response? "I wouldn't need to work out so much if I had half of the natural ability that you had John." -He was serious too.

I'm honoring John Daly today because he is an unrepentant, degenerate, alcoholic, gambling, whoring, unhealthy living, incredibly talented individual..... and while I'm not condoning some of his actions, I am condoning his refusal to apologize for how he treats his body and life. He is a MAN because he lives how he thinks he should live. Granted he lives like an animal, he still lives everyday without the fear that you see in a lot of men's eyes.

JD.... this blogger salutes you. Crack open your 6th Diet Coke of the morning and open that new carton of Camels buddy, this is your day.

Drunk of the Night

*This was not her, but its a good representation.

Drunk of the night award goes to:

-A 40 year old women who began the night at 9 PM by dropping her pants for the bartenders (sans underwear) and asking one of us to put "our head where her ass is" ? Then later on in the evening while deciding what she wanted to mix with her Malibu Rum, she offered one of her (bare) breasts with the line, "I could just squeeze some milk in there...you know? to sweeten up the pot a little?"

I lost track of her after that but I can only assume she was in the side alley blowing the first bum she stumbled upon.

Ahhhh, bartending.... Where else can you get paid to witness spectacles like this?

My Own Drum

*Two Dreamboats: Taking care of the Boston drinkers, one lady at a time...

So my new "career" endeavor has thus far been met with mixed reviews:

"So this will just be a quick gig until you find some new sales job or a real career?" -I'll find a new career eventually. I'm 24 and I have debts to take care of. This profession should help me do that.

"Wait you're bartending at that bar? gross..." -To each his own. If you don't want to come visit me, then don't. You don't see me visiting your sad cubicle every day do you?

"Awesome, we'll be down there drinking all the time now." -Good. Tip well.

"Jack, you were put on this earth to tend bar." That might be true, but lets face it... "I was never gonna be a Steve Jobs"- Thanks Mom.

"You, working at (Bar name omitted)...thats like the perfect storm." Ummm, haha. No comment.

"This is really what you want to do with your life?"- For the time being, yes. Jack is a happy boy.

"Your gonna be like the bizarro Jack with your new hours." Sort of. I like staying up late and sleeping late. It works for me.

"So wait, you can't go out on Friday nights anymore? That sucks." Nope, but I can go out on more random nights(Sun, Mon, Thurs.) Lets be real, the weekend nights are worthless in terms of meeting cool people and women. There just a big shitshow...Ex. Saturday everyone is celebrating St.Paddys, its gonna be a big amateur hour. I'll just stay sober and take people's money instead.

"You're too old to start that now. What about settling into a real job and finding a nice girl." -I'm not to old, not even close. I'm 24 and look like I'm 18. I have plenty of time. Oh and settling down??? haha....ummm nah.

"How much do the tacos cost there?" There cheap but not on the house. I'm going to be a model employee for awhile. Thats a warning to all of my cheapass friends.

"You're gonna be on your feet for so long everyday." -Yep and unlike the cubical warriors out there I won't fighting the battle of the bulge by the age of 25. I think blue collar jobs will fit me much better.

Some variation of all these comments has been said to me in the past week. My additional responses: I like collecting oodles of cash nightly instead of a bi-weekly paycheck. I like bars and I like people(drunks included). This is a viable job for a 24 year old. I don't like corporate America. Theres no stress when I get home, once work is done, its done for the day. I'm not worried about reports or sales goals or any other BS.

Fair enough?

It's Tuesday? I Hadn't Noticed.

So far today I've had two interesting/strange encounters.

1. At the gym I ran into my best friends old roommate. I didn't recognize him because in the past 4 months hes lost 30 pounds while hes been training for a triathalon. It caught me off guard because he had completely changed his appearance in a matter of months. I won't lie to you.. he looked good, in a skinny guy who used to be fat kind of way. He's always been a successful young guy, but in my experience he never had much "game" to speak of and was never someone I considered "cool". But just from seeing him today I may have to re-consider my opinion.

2. Then at Barnes and Noble I saw a kid that I went to high school with. We were never great friends but we got along because we shared a few AP (smart kid) classes together and he had a similar, sarcastic, cutting-type attitude. Anyways he also looked very different and had obviously lost some weight since high school. He also was working at Barnes and Noble, and like me he is still trying to figure out this period of his life. In high school he was sort of the dorky, bookish, theatre type. But today I also may have to change my opinion due to his somewhat cool hipster apparel and the simple fact that he looked and acted a lot different than I remembered.

I think by telling you about these encounters I'm trying to say how important going to the gym and living a somewhat healthy lifestyle is. These two people who I had never thought much of are suddenly thinner, more energetic and more interesting than ever before. The funny thing is they were probably always interesting but now that they've adopted a different lifestyle and changed their appearance, I've started to notice.

For my readers that go to gym, you know the feeling... that after-workout rush you get. You know about waking up the next morning and feeling firmer and tighter than the day before. You know about the increased sex-drive and increased daily energy. You (hopefully) know the feeling when its your first time with a new partner and they take your shirt off only to feel lean, ripped tissue. Its a good feeling.

The point of these stories is that regardless of where you are now and regardless of your self-image....its never to late to make a change. Also, and this is the big point.... Even if the rest of your life is in shambles and nothing can go right, if you have your health and you feel strong... well... nothing seems to matter as much. Its so true about exercise being the number one stress reliever. I'm pretty sure I would've broken down in tears during these past few months due to my situation, but constant, hard, punishing work-outs really do help me keep things in perspective and keeps Jack a happy boy.

Strangely enough, both of the people I ran into today have caught me "in flagrante delicto".... I'll save those stories for another time though :)

PS II: A bartender's schedule is pretty sick, at least for JGF. Driving range, reading at B+N, gym, riding a bike, rocking out to Paul Simon while posting this blog at my Mom's place, and eventually meeting my best bud for 2-3 very cheap drinks at our local watering hole.... Not a bad little Tuesday.

Everybody's Working For the Weekend: Some Thoughts

-- When a girl tells me she has a 15 year old son and its 12:30 AM at the Metro Grille, I don't think much of it. Especially when the girl appears to be a beautiful, in-shape, down-to-earth human being (also the lighting at the Metro Grille only allows you to see about 6 inches in front of your face). But the next day I got to thinking, so I pulled out my calculator and did some math.... If she has a 15 year old son, that makes her at least 30, which is okay, but she had a really good job and seemed pretty intelligent so I refuse to believe that she was anything under 36. Why does any of this matter?????

Because I had been drinking and the lighting was weak.... so now I face the prospect of possibly meeting up for a date and being sorely disappointed. But lets be honest, why should I even waste her time? Her 15 year old son is probably more mature than me... Unless shes looking for the opposite of stability in her life, I'm not going to waste her time.... Jack Goes Forth has a heart somewhere beneath this icy exterior. Hmmm.... this sounds like the perfect "fling" situation.

-- If there was ever a job that was perfect for me, it's bartending. I won't elaborate but lets just say that I'm pretty psyched about my new gig.

-- My "phone/text" game has really gone down the shitter. Maybe I should consult my copy of Bang (Roosh V) for a refresher course. Luckily my complete apathy with dating will generally pull me through a rough phone and/or texting period.

-- I finally found a copy of Jay McInerney's "Bright Lights Big City". For some reason every Barnes and Noble has always been out of stock. So like any other poor man would do, I got a small coffee, found a comfy seat and spent the next 2 1/2 hours knocking it out. Saved myself a solid 10.99. It came highly recommended to me and now I will highly recommend it to you. Its a quick read and very entertaining.

Side story to this: some guy in his mid-thirties sat near me and kept craning his neck to look at me, so finally I was like.... "you need anything man?" and he went off on this tangent about the book and how he used to live in Manhattan and blah blah blah. He was a nice guy, but clearly he was quite gay... Its cool though... I take anyone approaching me and hitting on me as a compliment. I even made out with him in the Kid's section to show my gratitude. (The last sentence is a fabrication.)

-- This new movie "Drillbit Taylor" looks pretty good. I know that Owen Wilson plays the same character in pretty much every movie, but I still think he's the man. I guess I just identify with he slacker-type/ dreamer guy he always plays.

-- This sort of goes back to my texting and phone woes but I'M DONE WITH FLAKY GIRLS. I refuse to go out of my way anymore to accommodate a girl if shes going to disrespect me. I'll make the requisite effort but after that they will NOT get another chance. You flake on me once, shame on you....You flake on me twi..... wait, there will be no more flaking!!! I have to many non-flaking girls to speak with. I'm a man with principles dammit!

-- For the first time since I've been back in the RVA I actually feel like I have things to look forward to. It feels pretty good:

1. I actually like going to work now.

2. The summer is almost here and I'm ready to spend a lot of time at my family's river house (hopefully with a special lady....or two.)

3. There are upcoming events...Strawberry Hill races anyone???

4. I feel like I've been getting to re-connect with some friends who I had neglected for the past few years in my selfish/ self-important/asshole phase. Don't get me wrong, I'm still numero uno in my little world, but I'm getting a lot better than I used to be. I'm starting to look forward to nights out with these friends more and more.

5. With the weather finally changing I can start running outside again and enjoying the beauty that is Richmond. Believe it or not, Richmond is a city with an amazing amount of character.

"Warm weather fosters growth: cold weather destroys it."

DC v. Richmond: The Pick Up Scene

There are many factors to look at when one is analyzing how ideal a city is for picking up women(or men). But in this case both of the cities in question suck a huge ball sack, so we're gonna toss the usual criteria out the window and use a new grading system. This new grading system might be a bit biased because lets face it people, Jack Goes Forth gets laid from Tallahasse to Tacoma, Washington. No city can tame this beast... but thats neither here nor there. Lets get started and remember that this is a highly scientfic approach and not some bullshit I threw together while I was waiting for my Tombstone pizza to cook:




1. Cost of a lite beer: DC : 4.25 Richmond: 3.00 This ones a no-brainer. Higher cost of living, blah blah blah. A bunch of rich assholes in DC. Blah blah blah.

Verdict: Richmond





2. Cost of a mid-tier liquor drink: DC: 7.00 Richmond: 5-6.00 Read about the beer. Same shit. What does this mean for the pick up scene? Duh...More bang for your buck. I don't mean that you should buy drinks for any girls, I mean you need to drink a lot to convince yourself you're not a hideous Shrek-like figure, or so that you can bang the ugliest mud turtles in the bar with NO SHAME.

Verdict: Richmond (I'm poor you assholes!)





3.Variety of bars: DC: DC pretty much has everything under the stars. Clubs, Lounges, Shot and beer bars, Hipster shitholes, etc. Unfortunately most, if not all of these places lack any real soul, but they're there. For as many bars as there are in DC though, a solid women to men ratio is very difficult to find....if not impossible.

Richmond: Nice shot and beer type bars and crappy shot and beer type bars. By shot and beer bars I mean an unpretentious place where people congregate to get drunk. No frills, no cover charge, no dress code. There are a few wannabe DC bars such as Big Daddies and Have a Nice Day, but they don't really hold a candle to real clubs. While it still is tough to find decent guy/girl ratios, its easier than DC.

Verdict: Tie. DC has much much more variety but for someone looking to get laid, Richmond will offer you more from the few cool bars that it does have.





4.Typical Girls: I'm not gonna describe each city on this one. DC has more international flavor, more transplants, and more fatties. Richmond has no international flavor, less fatties and hotter southern chicks.

Verdict: DC by a hair. I like southern white chicks, but I also like to mix it up. This was a tough decision though because the international flavor is generally found in clubs, and I want to burn every mega-club in DC to the f-in ground. Still DC gives you more to look at most of the time. Oh and by tough decision, I mean I gave it about 1 second more of thought than the other questions. I got a pizza in the oven here people!





5.The typical competition: DC: After work, suit wearing, Tucker Carlson hair cut, who after 7-8 drinks will approach a girl and spit some weak game. Mix in a few Persian guys with tight orange Armani shirts on, and a few black guys who act white and have decent game.... Thats DC to me. To be fair there are some alphas and tough-talking bloggers roaming the streets...

Richmond: Can anyone say khakis and croakies. Same Tucker Carlson do, probably under a fishing hat. NO GAME is spit in Richmond. Guys simply will not approach on a regular basis. No real alpha dogs. No one purposely moves to Richmond, everyone who is here is generally born and bred.


Verdict: Richmond wins on one fact alone. At least dudes in DC try to pick up girls. They go out and attempt it. In Richmond, guys go out to get shithoused. In DC its sort of the same, but after downing an 18 pack they then punch girls in the arm and stuff...you know, to get their attention. When no ones talks to girls, you can pretty much say whatever you want to them and it'll work.





6.First thing a girl asks you:

DC: ...guess..... WHAT DO YOU DO???? I'm into, uh, well murders and executions mostly.

Richmond: What do you like to do? What makes you happy?


Verdict: Get real, Richmond in a landslide. I'm so tired of the soulless, vapid, blood-sucking DC women. Give me some character, give me some attitude...no more status bullshit.






7.. The "Dirty Sock Award" for Jack's Dirtiest Deed by City

DC: Pooping on someone

Richmond: Pooping on someone.


Verdict: EVERYONES A WINNER!!!!!





I know there are many more categories but mah peeza is done. I'll hit you with the hot blogness some other time.

Jacks a Working Man?

The tending of the bar starts tomorrow. I'm pretty psyched about re-joining the work force. Doing nothing all day is great, but I'm pretty much bored to tears with it. For those of you who have read this blog from day one (I think thats 1 or 2 people), you will remember my "Cocktail fantasy" I had after I quit the corporate gig. While this is not quite that....its a start.

Stuff Jack Says....

Lines or excuses I've used or have in my repertoire and am always ready to use.... Feel free to add your own in the comments section.

-Ummm, I haven't really "pleasured myself" in a few days, so you know, thats, um... why it was so quick....Just give me 7 minutes.... Go have a panini or something.

-Look, for some reason I've already "pleasured myself" like 7 times today, I was bored earlier .....so I guess thats why its taking so long... um.... you can turn the TV on if you want.

-Shut up, I just need to concentrate for a minute (meaning: fantasize about a better girl)

-Damn, my buddy just texted..he's all broken up about his ex... Listen hes been there for me so I gotta go be there for him. You understand how it goes.... I'll call you tomorrow. (said directly after sex)

-Ummmm...I guess I drank to much tonight.

- I really need to stretch out when I sleep...its my bad back. Would you mind going home tonight? (said before or after sex)

-We can probably Macguyver one out of Birdie's (her cat) esophagus. Wait, will this do? (me holding up some scotch tape)

-I'm fucking starving. Do you have the materials neccessary for a grilled cheese? and if so, could you please fix one up for me? (said directly after sex and said with a boyish sort of charm.....it usually works)

- Ummm where should I throw this? her: "ummm, the trash can" . . . . . . SPLAT! Hmmm.....I think I missed the can.

-Damn, you know what I did??? I totally lost my debit card at the bar last night. Stupid drunk idiot Jack.... So you're gonna have to pick this tab up. Don't worry, its on me for the next three meals.

-Yeah we're pre-partying at so and so's place. Its gonna rock. Oh but on the way over can do us a quick favor... yeah just grab a 30 pack of whatever beer and maybe some pizza or chips...whatever you like babe. We picked up the liquor earlier but forgot the rest of it..... yeah yeah of course we'll pay you back...

- I never touched her! I swear to you... oh, well your friend is a lying bitch. Everyone always says stuff about me thats never true....I don't understand why this is babe. Hold me.

- You're number 7...I've just been in so many long term relationships that I never got around to the whole "player" stage....

- Yeah we can go do that....but since its so early I'm probably gonna come back to the bar afterwards... cause I mean, all my friends are still here and stuff.

- When I wake up my hair is just sort of like this....I use product maybe once a week. It just goes crazy all of the time. Yeah...yeah, it does look good doesn't it?

- I usually have a six pack but I've been bulking up to try out for a local semi-pro football team so its kind of hidden right now.

- I just don't see the need to wait until our second, third or even fourth date to do this...I mean... fuck! Why does society impose these bogus rules on relationships... All that it serves to do is extinguish the passion that two people sometimes share. I'm just not into living by other people's standards when it comes to someone I really like... (I swear I've said this, or some variation of this...and it worked....Try getting all anti-society on their ass :)

Late Addition: No condoms?! Damn... well I guess we'll just have to settle for the back door on this one. (Sorry I had to add something about the booty.)

You Decide

#1 Shes 27. She has an above average intelligence, a solid do-gooder type job, a house and is pretty good looking though not incredibly hot. Maybe a 7.5 on the scale. She runs A LOT, so her body is still very much in shape. She has money and a secure life and future. She doesn't drink much and rarely goes out to bars more than once a week, if ever. She enjoys dinners and wine and the nicer things that people tend to like after they've been through the bar scene. She gets tipsy after two glasses of wine and downright drunk after a bottle. Shes nice and thoughtful. She cooks. She willingly buys dinners. Conversation with her is very intelligent, sometimes sarcastic and often boring. She expects to be called, not texted. She doesn't appreciate drunken flirty texts at 2 am. In bed she is fun and the sex is decent, but not "over-the-top" great. Its basically good vanilla intercourse. She is a safe bet.



#2 She is 19. Shes not dumb, but shes not the sharpest crayon in the box either. Shes a Freshman in college...a weak college. She is naturally in incredible shape and is very, if not extremely beautiful. A 9 and possibly a 10 although according to certain bloggers, 10's do not exist naturally out in the wild. She likes to drink and probably does so 4-5 nights a week. She drinks a lot, and can stand drink for drink with a lot of men. She enjoys eating very little and drinking a lot of wine. If not on her prescription meds its possible shes a complete lunatic. Conversation is excruciating at times, bearable at others . She texts at 5 in the morning from random people's houses wanting to hang out....on a Tuesday. The sex is fun and exciting and not at all "vanilla". Her body is a work of art. She is not even a safe bet to remember your name.


I know which road I would take....Which way do you go?

Ok so theres other factors such as where you are in your life. What do you want in your life right now? Are you thinking about settling down? Obviously choice one is the good solid pick...the mutual fund that consistently provides returns. While number 2 is more like going to Vegas with three months salary in your hand. Not the wisest decision.

Whats most important? Looks? well.... unfortunately ladies... yes, looks will probably win the battle 97 % of the time. This isn't mantalk, these are just the facts. Although in this situation I think a lot of it has to do with the lifestyle of the person making the choice. Someone who is more grounded may take the safe pick, while someone who is a bit crazy in the head or less prone to long-term dating may opt for number two.

Having options is the way to go. Variety is one of the things that makes life so beautiful.




*Don't worry Helena Christensen, you will always have this bloggers heart.

Back On My Grind

Welcome back to the real world Jack.

So I've finally gotten a job....two infact. I won't divulge to much information but my job title includes the words "rep" and "wine". My side gig is in a related field.... "bar" and "tend".

I'm really excited to get back out there, out of an office, moving around, and meeting new people. Theres only so much thinking that one man can do, eventually he has to just start doing shit and not harp on everything. I'm beginning to think this is the start of a new chapter in my life, but that will probably be determined in a few months. For now, I focus on learning more about my new field, and going forth to kick some ass.... wish me luck...

Don't worry, the blog will continue come hell or high water.