Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Signs That Maybe I Should Cut Back On The Drinking

-I've had to leave a sign on the front door two days in a row that says, "Hey UPS guy, knock really loud! I'm here!!! Wake me up from my coma! Don't leave!!!!" Seriously. I'm waiting on some packages (repaired lab top, cool new phone) and for whatever reason they have to be signed for, and god forbid I don't get my 4 naps a day in!

-I've convinced myself that drinking heavy is okay as long as I balance it out with 15 hours of sleep, only 300 calories a day and two hours in the gym. I tell myself this frequently.

-I got an email this morning and it contained this comment: "If you keep getting belligerent and going to 7-11, your chances of being involved in a racially charged battle to the death over the rights to your sister’s incredible ass increases 5 fold." That doesn't make sense to anyone, I know. Let's just say that the black guy that works at 7-11 was hitting on a girl I was with and then lets just say that I started faux-humping her and telling the dude that she was my sister. Lets just say all that.

- I'm averaging 7 embarrassing, I wish I could take back texts a night. That's waaaayyy above my norm.

- I've done karaoke at least 4 times in the past month.

- I made a scene, hungover, in Taco Bell today at noon. I may have cussed, really loud, in front of the 30 or so people there. But c'mon, how long does it take to make a fucking Mexican pizza?!

But really, I need to calm down. I'm lucky to have a cool, somewhat prosperous job and I'm lucky to not be in any legal trouble for anything. I need to keep it that way.


latrimose said...

your last line - a turning point in Jack's life story?

Rabbit said...

You would love to stay out of trouble, Jack, but you can't keep a good man up out of the bloody vomit-caked gutter. Now would be a great time to, I dunno, blog about Bill Pantele's sex life, or Dwight's satanic cult. Roll the dice, man!

(I must profess a certain feeling of kinship here, after tying one on at Avalon last night and sending roughly 4-5 texts that I shouldn't have during and after the 6 block stumble home... but the messages were well received, so I guess that's ok?)

Susan Howson said...

Gmail has a new feature you can activate where you have to do some math problems before sending an email late at night. Just to snap you back to reality. I think that's adorable and also it made me pissed that no one sends me drunk emails/texts. F you assholes!!!

Rabbit said...

Susan, just send me your number and drunk texts will start zooming in at light speed. You can bask in the heat of my blushing embarrassment on the mornings after. Unfortunately for me, I still spell and enunciate really well in drunk texts, totally removing any plausible deniability.

Alternately, you can follow my Twitter, which acts as a kind of drunk text database.

Benedict Smith said...

mexican pizza = r0x0rz

Anonymous said...

it's nice to see that's there's another dolt who thinks he's really cool. you are the man, jack. no, seriously. you are. seriously.