Wednesday, December 17, 2008

How Not To Pick Up Girls Part. 234

I read a blog post on body language a month ago (Here) and it inspired me to start paying more attention to my own way of standing and moving. Now, I already thought that I came across as a complete, John Rambo-esqe bad ass when getting my stand on in a bar, but I decided to try this new method and see what came of it.

I went to Blackfinn with a buddy and I decided to test my new stance out without telling my friend about it. In short, the stance involves holding your drink at your hip like a revolver in a quick draw contest, leaning slightly back and keeping your feet slightly further apart than you probably do now. There's a picture of it if you click on the post above. I think it's supposed to convey aloofness or something.

So anyways, I'm standing there, Miller Lite cocked and ready, feet slightly spread, leaning back and looking apathetic to the point of falling asleep. My buddy gives me a quizzical look and says,

"What the fuck are you doing man?"

Me: "You know, uhh, putting out the vibe?"

Buddy: "You look like a retarded version of Michael Buble."

Me: "Really? The Buble? Nice."

Buddy: "Cut it out. Chicks will never talk to me with you standing there looking all handicapped and shit."

Me: "Watch and learn bud."

So at some point after a few Orange Crushes and a few more beers, I see some girls who I sort of know because they come into the bar where I work. I saunter over and join in their semi-circle and exchange hellos. Then I immediately enter my leaned-back, Joe Cool body language state.

If you've never tried, leaning back without a wall or something to stabilize you is difficult. But I made it look pretty hot, or so I thought.

The bar was loud and I'm getting my lean on. The problem is, I'm 6'4 and most girls are around 5'6. So the combination of loud music and me leaning back made conversation pretty much impossible. But in my tipsy and stubborn state, I refused to lean in to talk because I read that this is a total loser move. I made the decision before talking to these girls that I wouldn't stray from my new body language, so I just stood there and nodded.

Finally, after a few minutes of awkwardness, I "needed another beer" and gave the whole encounter a quick mercy leave.

I'm pretty sure I didn't get a number that night, or hit up a booty call, or manage to take off my clothes and get under the covers before passing out. I don't blame the new body language stance though. I've since perfected it to the point of 85% effectiveness. Yep, it's guaranteed to work 85 % of time when I'm talking to a girl past 1 AM, who I've already slept with and she has consumed at least a 12 pack of Bartles and Jaymes wine coolers or the equivalent of. Go ahead and mark the bedpost in this scenario, it's probably a lock.

The funny thing about this is, I saw those same girls the other night when I was bartending. I hadn't seen them since that night and one of them came up to the bar and asked,

"Jack, were you rolling (taking Ecstasy) or something that night a few weeks back at Blackfinn? You were acting so weird!"

Me: "Uhhh, yeah. I was totally out of my mind. Oh shit, did I see you that night? Damn, I was all sorts of fucked up. Whew, drugs are bad, kids. " (Not true, meaning I wasn't on drugs that night and drugs are not in fact bad... kids.)


Anonymous said...

Jack, you have no problem picking up girls. You're only problems are trying some body language BS and going to Blackfinn. That place sucks!

John said...

You totally need to check out Neurolinguistic Programming.

mala said...

That Roissy thing is a ding dong.

roissy said...

jack, i bet your right foot wasn't at the proper 36.215 degree angle. it's a commmon rookie mistake. i understand.

"That Roissy thing is a ding dong."

that's one of its nicknames.
the other is "OH MY FUCKING GOD".

Black Man Comes said...

It sucks really. Isaw a guy do it once at a party and was everyone so turned off. Made him look like dufus... or cramer from seinfeld. It was no stupid angle.