Sunday, November 2, 2008

The Jealous Ex

BANG BANG BANG!!!!

I shoot up out of bed and look at the front door which is visible from where we're laying.

"Who the fuck is that?!?" I tense up and start to go to the door.

She puts her arm around my waist and restrains me from standing up out of bed.

She whispers, "Oh shit, please don't get up. be quiet, be quiet. Oh god!"

Her voice is fearful and she scrambles out of bed and puts a robe on to cover her naked body.

BANG BANG BANG!!!!

I hear an unknown dude yell, "Open the fucking door (name redacted)!"

I immediately find my jeans and throw them on without bothering to search her filthy floor for my boxers. My heart is pounding and I can only assume that this guy isn't knocking on the door at 1 AM to sell us cookies.

She gets up, goes out the door and closes it behind her. I hear shouts of "Oh, so you're fucking another dude now!? Who is he?!" and "We sleep together every night and you're gonna fucking do this to me?" I'm only wearing jeans and both of my fists are clenched in the living room, preparing to face an attacker that I've never met or seen. Then I hear feet pounding down steps, a car starting and tires screeching off. I look out the window but it's too late to see anything.

Before she can even open the door to come back in, I've found my t-shirt and my keys. She re-enters and sees that I'm dressed. She starts crying. I'm out the door without asking for a reason or an excuse.

I'm not in the business of dealing with crazy ex-boyfriends or for all I know, crazy current boyfriends. Although I will say that when the baseline knee jerk emotion of jealousy comes and that adrenaline rush hits you, you'll rarely feel more alive. In fact, I couldn't wait to get home just so I could blog about it. I suppose I should more be upset about the girl and the shitty situation I've gotten myself into, but... well... It was kind of exciting.

Strangely enough I empathize with the maniac banging on the door. I remember the time when I heard that my "big" ex from college was sleeping with another guy and I remember the feeling of my stomach going into my throat. It sucks and we've all been there.

...And in this particular instance, I'm happy to not be that guy.

10 comments:

roosh said...

funny, that happened to me once... but the guy tapped on the window somewhat gently. i didn't get out of bed.

Anonymous said...

Can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen..

Jesse said...

you know what would really be funny? If that guy was a reader of this blog.

Talk about a double kick in the nuts.

Richmondite said...

I guess that's the price of doing business these days.

Trusting a girl, any girl, was your first mistake.

The One and Only Ridor said...

C'mon, Jack. You said that it happened to you before and you had felt your stomach in your throat.

WHY IS THAT?!

Why is that men thinks that whenever they put their penises into a hole, the hole automatically becomes their property?

Why is that we have this primal instinct within us that we feel the need to be upset if someone plays anyone else?

I think heterosexual men need to visit gay sex clubs to study, observe and appreciate the original purpose of human sexuality -- that is to play around without getting jealous at all.

Hell, I can visualize having sex with Jack then harbors no strings attached the next day. That'd be awesome in this life, is it? ;-)

R-

Benedict Smith said...

banging the scullery of scullery maids will eventually involve such scenes. mine was meeting the still technically/legally married husband of the stripper i was banging at 230am in the parking lot of her apartment. tense to say the least.

Anonymous said...

ahhhh. It sounds like Jackie has found more than just a one week fling.

Anonymous said...

"I'm not in the business of dealing with crazy ex-boyfriends or for all I know, crazy current boyfriends."

This blog seems to indicate that you're sole mission is to create crazy ex-boyfriends. Cheap booty has some drawbacks.

Jinxy said...
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The One and Only Ridor said...
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