Friday, October 24, 2008

A Dating Column?!

The clearly insane people over at have asked me to participate in a column which would feature dating and sex related questions that readers submit. I will then "face-off" against a female perspective (one of their writers, either Val Catrow or Susan Howson).

I'm not claiming to know anything about dating or sex, but I do participate in both and if you read the blog then you know that I have interesting views when it comes to both. Plus RVAnews is paying me to do this monthly, or bi-monthly column. You read that right and yes, they're obviously taking crazy pills. Of course the "pay" for each column would hardly cover a third of one of my bar tabs, but still, now when I lie to girls about being a professional writer it won't technically be a lie.

I certainly don't plan on holding anything back and the fact that it's on someone elses website means nothing to me when it comes to censorship or my somewhat outlandish views. I don't know much about Susan, but I know that my antagonist Val is 27 years old and about to have a baby. More opposite, we could not be. It should be pretty entertaining.

Get over to and submit some questions. Real or fake, funny or serious. I plan on being somewhat serious with my answers. Here's some example Q + A's:

-Q: I got a girls number the other day. She's perfect and I want to be with her so badly. How long should I wait to call? Text? Email? I don't want to screw this up!

A: You will screw it up, but to give yourself the best possible chance, wait four days and then call. All girls claim that they want a guy to call the next day and to not play games, but girls are deranged. Desperation smells, bad. Don't be that guy.

-Q: I dated a girl for six months and she dumped me. Now, only two weeks later she's seeing another guy. I'm heartbroken, jealous, sad, and every other lame emotion there is. What am I to do?

-A: Ahh the pain of a broken heart.... I feel for you. My best recommendation is to seek the comfort of friends and to be around people who care for you..wait, that's probably Val Catrow's weak recommendation. I, on the other hand, advise you to dive back into the dating pool with wreckless abandon. I'm talking a lot of booze and as many one to two night stands that you can get your hands on. There's no need to sit around, listening to Radiohead and crying over spilled milk. Get back out there and make some really bad decisions. Also, bottle up your emotions. We have our own problems and we don't need to hear your little girl sob stories.

-Q: How can a guy tell when a girl has had an orgasm? Should he ask or just assume it's all good until she says otherwise?

A: Wait, it's physically possible for females to have orgasms?! Really? Hmmm, let me do some research and get back to you on this one.

*Column begins December 1st. Apparently we need over a month to collect the questions and then provide our expert (or in my case, childish) opinions.


Robot Boy said...

In this battle-scarred veteran's opinion, four days is too long unless it's just a cool, keeping options open, hook up sort of a thing. If you really like a female and had a great connection than what's wrong with a text two days later?
But I'm just a narcissistic romantic in a world of just-plain narcissists.
Awesome about the gig, ese. The world needs your wisdom.

Jack Goes Forth said...

Yeah, Two days is like the industry standard- "Swingers"

Anasi, all you need to do is walk around shirtless, carrying a copy of "Gloves". No words or phone calls necessary there.

Robot Boy said...

Sir, you are too kind. Know any hot chix in the OC?

Kate said...

seriously? you? a dating column?
you were the one of the best first/last dates i've ever had... and I am still bitter that such a man whore never put the hard core moves on me...

Jack Goes Forth said...

Me, best date???

You got the wrong blog lady.