Monday, September 8, 2008

Looking For Love In An Atlantic City Poker Room

*This isn't the actual lady that I refer to in the post, but she's basically a dead ringer for her. So for this blogposts sake, imagine this is her.

I'm in Atlantic City on Sunday night at Caesars Palace at the poker tables. A women, early 40's, slightly heavy set and not even remotely attractive, ends up getting sat next to me during a no-limit hold em tourney I'm playing in. She starts talking and talking and talking, even after I put both of my ipod headphones in and a baseball cap really low over my eyes in an effort to look mean. So finally I start talking back because this women will literally not shut the hell up. I tell her I'm in Alantic City alone to play poker and that I don't have a room. After saying this, she whips out a piece of paper and writes her cell number and room number on it, saying, "If you don't feel like driving home tonight, feel free to call. I have an extra bed and I'm here alone also."

At this point in the evening it was already midnight and I still had a solid 2-3 hours of poker left in me, so I considered her offer because lets face it, a free bed sure beats driving back to Richmond while the sun comes up and also her offer seemed pretty genuine and not sexual in any way.... or so I thought.

We keep playing and eventually she busts out of the tourney. She repeats her offer to me as she walked away, which the entire table of poker mutants found hilarious, either because she was much older than me and offering her room up, or the fact that most of the idiots at the table probably had never touched a women and couldn't comprehend staying in the same room as one. (Ed Note: 94% of the men you will find in an Atlantic City poker room are infact virgins.)

During the next break (in tournament poker there are sporadic breaks every couple of hours) I went for a walk on the casino floor. As I'm watching a game of craps, I feel a tap on the shoulder. It's the older women. This is where it gets creepy.

Her: Listen, I didn't want to say this in front of everyone at the table, but we can do more than just sleep in my room. (shes clearly been drinking)

Me: Ahhh, well, thanks... But umm, I actually just got a room over at Ballys. (I lie)

Her: Really? You don't want to come up for a bit. You can do whatever you want with me. WhatEVER... (How she said this with a straight face is beyond me)

Me: (nervous laughter) Well I'm tempted, really I am, but I'm just pretty beat from all the poker and whatnot. But hey I gotta get back to the table (I slowly edge away).

Her: (grabbing my arm) You sure Mr. Bartender??

Me: Ahhh...Yeah I'm sure. But really, you're too nice. I got your number, so you know, I'll give you a shout. (I couldn't bring myself to be rude to this lady)

I was really thinking about taking her up on the free bed, that is , until she tried to make me her little pool boy. So instead I tried driving home at 4 AM from AC. I made it to Wilmington, Delaware where I got a room at Motel 6, whose cleanliness made most prison cells look more appealing. I went to the front desk to complain and somehow got into a huge argument with the old lady who was the night manager, and at one point I threw my room card at her. Don't criticize me though. She wasn't some cute, grandmotherly-type old lady. No, she was a tough bitch, hardened by the hundreds of prostitutes and vagrants I'm assuming she deals with on a nightly basis. I somehow got my money back and kept driving, finally finding reasonable accommadations in Dover, Delaware at the Econolodge.

I did fine with my actual poker in AC, but I grossly underestimated how difficult that drive is. I should've just ripped 9 shots of Crown Royal and bit the bullet with that older lady. Who knows? Maybe she was really rich and willing to take me shopping afterwards. At least I'd still be in AC playing poker, sans my dignity of course... Although I'm pretty used to that feeling at this point.


Sooz said...

Oh just so you know there is such a thing as love in the poker room. Almost three years ago, I met my boyfriend playing poker at the Taj.

He didn't turn out to be a murderer or a degenerate, so thank God for that.

However, there are also many cougars in A.C. You don't have to settle for that woman.

Anonymous said...

The older the better, kiddo

Anonymous said...

A good rule of thumb: Casino= big bag of fugly

Ava V. said...

hmmm, gambling makes people do odd things. it might be her way to find young men to take advantage of.

roosh said...

The poker lady forgot to mention her 17 year old niece was already drunk in the room bored out of her mind watching pay per view porn.

The One and Only Ridor said...

This is great. I find it hard to believe that you actually did not take her offer, Jack!

I'm curious to see what you look like, dude.


Poker Man said...

Well done for letting her down easy, and for keeping some morals.
I hope the poker was well worth the trip.

Benedict Smith said...

there's a razor thin line between creepy older woman of desperation and in fact "cougars".....i tend to just stear clear for the most part now.

Rudy Rude said...

I feel ya, ever since I got back from rehab and have been off the sauce I haven't been able to bring myself to bang out the parade of low-rent sub-par broads that I found myself swimming in previously.

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