Sunday, August 17, 2008

How To Pick Up College Girls In Richmond

After drunkenly crying on the blog at the end of last week about my life, I've decided to start this week on a decidedly more cheerful note. Also the college kids just moved back into town...

As a full-time bartender, a longtime Richmonder, and an unapologetic, emphatically single young man, I feel that I can dispense real world advice when it comes to picking up college girls in Richmond Virginia. I still remember the feeling that I got at 7 AM, walking out of Stuart Circle apartments in 11th grade after my first fling with a VCU girl, and even today, the campus (or near campus) walk of shame is still one of those little victories that always tends to put things into perspective for me.


Here are some tips (in no real order):

- Don't Waste Your Time On University of Richmond Girls. Now I'm not saying don't hook up with a U of R girl. I'm simply saying that to maximize your chances you have to lean more towards VCU (Virginia Commonwealth University). This is for multiple reasons, but mainly it is because U of R is a real college campus, secluded by trees and devoid of any(good) bars. VCU on the other hand is right in the middle of the city, surrounded by bars, and it lends itself to more girls living in off-campus housing. In addition to there being more VCU girls than U of R girls, VCU also tends to attract less middle of the road, white, boring girls and more exotic, artsy, off the wall type girls. This is significant because freaky girls tend to be just that....freaky.

- Be The Bad Boy. This advice can really be used on any girl, but it's never been more true than with college girls in Richmond. A lot of the girls who come to VCU are from smaller towns, or from the fringes of Richmond. Now all of a sudden they're in what they consider a "big" city, when in reality it's just a few tall buildings and more ethnicities than they're used to. You need to come off as the "hip, I'm down with the streets" tough guy. My advice is to get some tattoos, get a cool part time job (bartender, bike messenger, and graffiti artist all come to mind), stop shaving, and you're in. Always say you're an artist too. This knocks em dead down around VCU. If they ask to see your work, draw something crazy on a cocktail napkin, hand it to her and say your work tends to be on more of the abstract expressionism side, with a bit of realism to give it a gritty, more restrained type of vibe, similar to a Manet or a Basquiat.

Do you know what all that meant? Good, neither did she.

- Start Wearing a Backpack. This is self-explanatory, but I'll explain it anyways. College chicks totally dig older guys, but they also get a little creeped out when the dude in the suit is hitting on them. Rock a backpack with an Obama sticker, even if you have a real job where a backpack is frowned upon (like lawyer, doctor, airline pilot.) Oh and the Obama sticker?? C'mon? No self-respecting VCU girl is gonna vote for that old white guy and his old balls.

- Learn The Names Trani, Wilder, Kaine, and Warner. I'm not sure who the fuck these people are, but college chicks go to college for an education, and if you pretend like you know the local political scene while you're ripping bowl hits on her balcony...well my friend, you're totally getting laid. Lucky for me I work in loud bars where the only thing I can dispense is alcohol (in the place of knowledge). I heard that Wilder guy is some sort of important Richmond something or other though. I think he's Asian if that helps.

- Start Smoking Marijuana. I personally don't indulge in the sticky icky very often. It's just not my drug of choice. But you want to know who does smoke??? 95% of the VCU girls I've ever hooked up with, that's who. You don't neccessarily have to smoke all the time, but at least learn the lingo and how not to look like an idiot when you're fiddling with her gravity bong.

-Be Creative. Again this goes back to the "artist" thing. But one thing I've learned, and not only from VCU chicks, is that college girls love the artsy, creative types. College girls are not 35 and they're not looking for a house or security. They want to go on cheap dates to art exhibit openings and drink red wine while discussing local Richmond bands. I've used the "poor bartender/writer" line so much that I'm actually starting to believe that I'm a poor bartender...

- Know All Of The "Hip" Bars and Spots Around Town. If it's a girl that's new to Richmond then she doesn't know that everybody and their mother goes to Sticky Rice. To her it's just some eclectic little sushi joint that you "discovered" when you were writing your last book on Richmond's tattoo culture. After Sticky Rice you can WOW her with this cool little corner bar you just found called Buddys. Sure, she'll find out later on (after you've slept with her) that Buddys has been around for 178 years and that anyone who has ever graduated from UVA and moved to Richmond, goes there once a week, but by that point, who cares?

In conclusion, we can't all still be in college, but we can sure as hell try and act like we are. Plus I'm not sure if you've noticed but other than the US Female Gymnastics team (Oh how I love some Shawn Johnson*), most girls tend to really hit peak hotness somewhere right around college. Men, you may be 27, or 30, or 38 right now, but that doesn't mean you have to sleep with women your own age. Sorry ladies.

*Okay so the Shawn Johnson thing comes off as a little bit pedophiltastic. It's not like I would touch her or anything...at least not without her consent.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

Im a much bigger fan of Alicia Sacramone, and as an added bonus she is actually legal. I'd forgive her for fucking up in the team competition, but I would still give her the stern discipline she deserves to ensure it wouldnt happen again.

JM

Anonymous said...

You could also just buy a VCU shirt t-shirt and start prowling the campus.

Someone without a day job, like you JGF, could pretty much do this everyday. It would interesting to see the results.

Anonymous said...

Just watch out for the 17 year old freshmen - trouble waiting to happen......

-M

nick said...

this should help in Richmond as well...


http://www.viceland.com/issues_uk/v3n6/htdocs/the_vice/2.gif

Anonymous said...

OK Ben Fawley

scottstev said...

Just want to ditto you on the U of R observations. As an alumni who is, mind-you, at least 10 years graduated from that scene; I definitely agree that UR is a world of its own.

The odds of anyone not familiar with UR and its frankly weird social life succeeding with girls is low. Not that it can't be done; and I don't mean this as a slam on UR, but it's terribly insular and self-absorbed. The amount of effort to break through would be a waste IMO.

Anonymous said...

I am in my sixtys now but back in the late 70s to mid 80s I aways said if you connot not get laid in Richmond your were not trying..Hope I didn't hit on your Mom LOL