Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Bear Grylls v. Jack Goes Forth

On the rare night that I have off and decide to actually stay in the house and do nothing, I usually write, read and watch TV. Currently my favorite TV show is Man Vs. Wild, starring the manbeast Bear Grylls (Yes this is a real person). The premise of the show is that they drop Bear, a film crew and a medic into the most inhospitable places on earth. Bear then shows the viewers how to survive by finding water, eating whatever he can find, and braving the harsh conditions. In honor of the fact that I'm staying in and watching his latest episode tonight (Discovery Channel, 10 PM, Wed.), I thought I would compare some of Bear Grylls survival feats with some of my own. Bear's actions in bold.

-In lieu of water, Bear Grylls drinks his own urine from the skin of a rattlesnake that he recently killed. Jack Goes Forth, after a late night "foray" with some girl, wakes up to find himself a in huge wetspot, not unlike the huge wetspots that he produced when he was 8 years old. After much deliberation JGF comes to find out that the girl had actually pissed the bed, then she pushed him into the spot and promptly left the scene. Seriously, my boxers, which were inexplicably on, happened to be dry. Now I'm no lawyer, but c'mon... There's no way I pissed that bed! Tough Guy Winner: Bear

-Bear jumps into a pit of deadly quicksand almost up to his neck in an effort to show viewers techniques on how to "swim" their way out of the gunk. JGF takes a bath filled with oatmeal in an effort to stave off itching from a horrible case of poison ivy. The bath ends up making the poison ivy worse and Jack then decides to finally hit Patient First, and just like every other time, he gets prescribed steroids to get rid of the rash. Tough Guy Winner: Bear (by a hair)

-Bear sleeps inside the gutted stomach of a camel to keep warm during a freezing night in the desert. Jack moves to the couch in a girls apartment because she either snores, has the "jimmy" legs, or refuses to let him sleep without trying to intertwine bodies in a practice some people laughingly refer to as "cuddling" ... ugh. Tough Guy Winner: Jack (Bear slept in a camel once, I sleep on a couch or on a floor once every two weeks.)

Bear cuts a bees nest in half for honey, meanwhile his face gets attacked by African bees and ends up swelling to Elephant Man-sized proportions. JGF had really bad acne in 9th grade. Tough Guy Winner: Jack (Having bad acne at the beginning of high school is much worse than getting attacked by African killer bees. Trust me.)

Bear stumbles across 6 beautiful virgins, their 4 bulky sheepherder brothers, and a shot gun toting father in the Sahara desert. Bear kills the brothers and father with nothing but the hoove of a camel he just fornicated with and a handful of sand. He then proceeds to make love to all 6 virgins at the same time even though he had recently satisfied himself with the aforementioned camel. (This wasn't on Man V. Wild, but I think I read about it somewhere). JGF loses his virginity in 10th grade(after his confidence crippling bout of acne in 9th grade of course). Tough Guy Winner: Bear (barely)

*Do yourself a favor and watch this show. I'm not gay for the most part, but if I was, Bear would probably be my type of guy.... wait... well... okay who am I kidding? Bear Grylls puts the sex in survival.


old guy said...

Did you see the episode where he squeezed "juice" from a fresh elephant turd to stave off dehydration. An epic episode - and the pinnacle of my tv watching life.

PS. he gagged.

Robot Boy said...

You're killing me, Jacko.

MoJezz said...

Funny good stuff. Life is just an exhibition and not a competition, but if it was a competition,

BG vs JGF in a battle:

a. to tend bar
b. to hook up with Richmond Girls
c. to hook up with 6ft tall blond Russian chicks
d. to win a steel cage death match

Who you got?

iwishicouldcook said...

Ok, no matter how much I don't want to admit it, you made me laugh. Alot.

Jocelyn Testes-Harder said...

I didn't know you was into
water sports! You nasty!

Jack Goes Forth said...

Old Guy: Yeah I saw it. He tends to gag a lot, but to his credit, he pretty much always swallows what beatle, snake, skunk, elephant shit that he inhales.

Mojezz- Umm your answer for all four is...Bear, Bear, Bear and Bear. A pickup contest between Bear Grylls and myself?? c'mon. Bear Grylls has a 14 inch dick and is rumored to have bedded somewhere in the neighborhood of 6,000 women.