Monday, July 21, 2008

Style Weekly Invites JGF To A Forum On Something Or Other

* "I couldn't help but notice that you're a decent looking, fairly inebriated cougar. Hi, I'm Jack and I'm the most powerful blogger on the 4500 block of Stuart Avenue."

I've been invited to a forum Style Weekly is throwing in a few weeks in honor of their fifth annual Richmond power list, which is being released this Wednesday. Here's how the email described the event:

"Style Weekly’s Fifth Annual Power List, released July 23, reflects the shakeup taking place among Richmond’s most powerful. But amid the upheaval lies opportunity. What’s next for our city? Please join Style Weekly and a group of community leaders for a lively, frank forum on power, leadership and the future of Richmond."

I'm contemplating going to the forum for the simple pleasures of drinking for free, eating free food from Mortons Steakhouse and of course the inevitable awkward conversations that I'll initiate with Richmond's "power elite" (if such a class of people actually exist in Richmond... I don't really believe that it does.)

Where Style Weekly stands to benefit from inviting a womanizing, drunken, blogging bartender is beyond me. But they did and it's to late for them to take it back now. They may want to rescind the offer though, especially after they read about my plans for the event and that night:

-- Saunter into Mortons, cigarette in mouth, sunglasses on. Refuse to acknowledge anyone's presense. Slap a 20 on the bar and say, "Ketel One up, dry, and keep em coming chief." I'll then wink at the closest female as I put the entire martini down in one gulp.

-- Seek out a member of the Gottwald family (Richmond's richest family), any elder member will do. Tell them about how I went to school with one of the daughters and about how she was no "slouch" in bed.... This of course will also be accompanied by a wink and the requisite elbow bump to the ribs as I say, "This guy knows what I'm talking about. Huh? Huh????"

-- After 5-6 martinis I'm going to find Tom Folliard (The CEO of CarMax) and let him how much I despise CarMax and the untruthful salesman who snowed me a year ago. Then if he's up for it, I'll challenge him to a wrestling match in the middle of Morton's dining room (I know some servers there who will clear out a few tables for us). If a wrestling match is unagreeable then I'll take him in a free-throw contest (he played ball at Florida State.) Either way, if I win, he buys my car back and apologizes for ripping me off, if he wins, I'll accept a job at one of his CarMax locations as a nursery attendant in the kid's play area.

-- Befriend "Wild" Bill Pantele (Important Richmond something or other, possibly our next mayor.) Try and become his honorary wingman for the night and then I'll simply sit back and catch all of his fallout groupie pussy. Wild Bill gets more butt than an I've heard.

-- Tell, or by this point, slur to Eugene Trani (President of Virginia Commonwealth University) that, "without the existence of VCU, I wouldn't get laid nearly as much as I do...", then give him a hug and a sloppy kiss on the cheek and say, "I love you man."

-- During the actual forum or panel or whatever it is, theres a good chance that I'll raise my hand to ask a question, only I won't really have a question, and I'll make up something rediculous involving Mayor Wilder and "that women I saw him with at Europa the other night that we all know wasn't his wife", or I may just end up vomiting all over the table.

-- Making out with someone,anyone, like our plane is going down. Preferably a female that's important, or the wife of someone important, or one of the hostesses at Mortons, or just one of female Mexican dishwashers from the back of the house.

I've thought about actually trying to learn more about Richmond issues and trying to take something like this more seriously, but let's be honest, I was invited because my blog is entertaining, not because I want to save Richmond or revitalize downtown. I would like to get involved somehow, but to pass up an opportunity for mischief such as this one would go against everything JGF stands for.


Benedict Smith said...

you were invited under no pretenses. to show up and bore would be a let down and certainly not warrant an invite in the future.....i should say, make a splash JGF....even if it's a terrible, drunken, sloppy one :)

Anonymous said...

JGF, I've been following you for a while, and this one made me roll out of my chair at my boring, corporate gig while snorting with laughter. Thanks for getting me fired. Come visit us in New York some time.

Richmondite said...

You should marry the Gottwald girl.. Your money problems would be a thing of the past after that.

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