Friday, July 18, 2008

Stupid, No-Brainer Bartender Advice

Don't sleep with a girl who has poison ivy. It doesn't matter if she's hot, it doesn't matter if she'll bang on the first night and it doesn't matter if she's wearing cute, tiny little red underwear. It's not worth it!

Saying to yourself, "well she doesn't have it that bad, and there's a good chance I won't get the stuff" is no excuse to defile a girl with poison ivy, three, and maybe even four times over the course of a few hours.

Getting out of bed after each bout to wash your hands really isn't making the situation better considering the fact that your naked bodies were pressed against and slamming into each other for at least 8 minutes (you read that right ladies) and the fact that she had some small patches of poison ivy on her butt. But I digress....

Ummm, this is actually advice a bartender friend gave me this morning. I wouldn't know about this from personal experience.

On a completely unrelated note... Does anyone have any calamine lotion???

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. But it's pretty hard to get poison ivy from someone else. By the time someone breaks out it's been a few days since exposure to the plant, and by then (hopefully) he/she has washed off all the oil that causes the rash. If not, you're having sex with a girl who hasn't bathed in two or three days, and in that case you have more to worry about than poison ivy.

Kyle said...

I'm actually sort of curious as to how she got the poison ivy on her ass in the first place. Nice.

roissy said...

yes, you are starting to find your voice on this blog. keep it up.

as for the poison ivy thing, i actually DID get a case of it around my groin from making out naked with a girl in the woods. i'm not sure if i picked it up off her or we were unknowingly frolicking in a poison ivy plant. i failed boy scouts.

lemme tell ya when that happens you can't go out in public for days, because you'll be scratching your package constantly and people will wonder.

GJ said...

I will provide this advice:

http://www.xkcd.com/443/

Anonymous said...

Don't have sex in poison ivy either. Trust me. Or rather, trust one of my high school girlfriends. She got the worst case of poison ivy I've ever seen all over the lower half of her body.

It appears I'm not allergic to the stuff. Ha!

Jack Goes Forth said...

anon- That actually makes me, I mean my friend,sort of breath a sigh of relief. He has been laying in bed all morning wondering if he's about to feel the onset of poison ivy itching. So far, so good. haha.

Roissy- I'm horribly allergic to poison ivy and I hate to admit it, but I've had it all over my nether regions twice. As you know, it can be a bit unpleasant.

Benedict Smith said...

the cock commandenth many ill-advised courses of action late in the night.....that and plus booze. nearly impossible to avoid sometimes....*sigh*

Anonymous said...

Kyle-

You can get poison ivy on your hand and then have a systemic reaction where you break out all over your body... for weeks...

Anonymous said...

8 minutes? Jack..please tell me it isn't true.

roosh said...

bro, it's not poison ivy