Q: So your cousin brought that hot chick she works with to the cookout? How do you broach a session of mutually satisfying intercourse in your aunt's guest bathroom without coming off as "the creepy cousin"?
Jack Goes Forth: Most amateurs would have the idea to get their cousins friend drunk, which is actually a pretty solid idea. I on the other hand would take the more devious route. I would get my cousin drunk to the point where she is virtually incapable of stopping my flirtatious banter with her friend. This can best be done with some sort of drinking game that you are a champion at. If they both get incoherently drunk,well, no real loss here. First off, don't hook up with your cousin. Secondly, just invite the cousins friend out to the pier because "you happen to be an expert on local Chesapeake Bay lore", then regale her with stories about how 13th president John Monroe once killed an ironclad ship of 35 Cherokee Indians with nothing but a bayonet on this very spot! She'll drop trou at your mastery of Virginia history.
Q: There are no women at this cookout and I have no friends. How do I maintain awesomeness without these essential ingredients?
Jack Goes Forth: Good question. Drink and try to make things awkward with whoever you end up speaking with. If it's a family affair, bring up really uncomfortable topics when in conversation with groups of 3 or more people. Examples: "So was grandma really a little trollop back when she was my age?" or "I was too young to remember, but can someone please tell me about that time when Uncle Frank got caught banging Uncle Joe's wife? I hear that was a scene"(Then wink at Uncle Frank). When you don't have people to amuse you, you have to amuse yourself. Trust me, nothing seems that awkward if you make every situation awkward. You should write that down.
Q: I don't like hot dogs or hamburgers. What food do you recommend for my July 4th cookout?
Jack Goes Forth: I recommend you grow a pair you communist bastard. Our forefathers didn't drop the A-bomb on Mexico or invent lasers so we could finally defeat Hitler in France, for you to sissify a cookout with tofu burgers or mungbean dogs.
Ed. Note: While most of you will be enjoying the sun and not working, I'll be tending the hell out of some bar. Come visit me at the best college bar (fuck what ya heard) downtown on Friday night. If you say this blog sent you, then I have a special red, white and blue shot with your name written all over it
4 comments:
College Bar? Downtown? You mean Cafe Gutenberg? (They at least know what a book is there..)
awkwardness at social functions is the penultimate humor in existence. i make a conscious effort to do this in lines at stores etc, the longer the better. i start talking with my buddy about a wild night at a gay bar complete with lurid details...about cocks and bathroom gay behavior.... :)
Hilarious shit man. Uh...
Q: My friend and his ex-girlfriend are at the cookout and they've just broken up. This is their first public event after they've broken up and they're trying to "still be friends". Since I'm the Mack Daddy Master in my group of friends, she's giving me the eye after a few drinks. Is it a trap or do I go for it to try to make Franklin Pierce and the rest of our forefathers proud?
"First off, don't hook up with your cousin."
lmao.
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