Dear JackGoesForth Blog,
Its been an interesting 6 months, eh?
You have been a somewhat fulfilling creation of mine and I will no doubt continue to chronicle my wretched existance on your pages, but quite honestly, we need to have a little talk. Now I'm not pissed with you and this relationship will not be ending, but I just feel we need to discuss some matters:
1. You cockblock me with impunity almost every chance you get (which is quite often). I mean seriously, I lay all of this groundwork with a women, only for her to read you and then all of a sudden I don't hear from her again...ever. (This has happened twice now, with girls I somewhat liked, at the time.) Now I can't blame this all on you buddy. If a girl gets that uppity about a few written words then she was probably a frigid bitch to begin with, but still. Let's work on this one. I'll stop getting drunk and telling girls I'm a blogger, you stop being such a raging badass of female hatred... wait... how about I'll just stop telling girls I'm a blogger.
2. You claim an existance that is full of random and new hook-ups. Is this the complete truth? I mean hooking up with the same 4 or 5 twenty year olds week after week isn't exactly some mind-blowing statistic. Maybe we should both stop resting on our laurels and meet some new women. I'm a bartender, you're a figment of my imagination.. Together we can do this!!!
3. Some of my friends and both of my parents have turned a blind eye to you (thank god). I guess you tell a side of me that very few people knew existed? Well guess what? I. Don't. F-in. Care. We have to keep writing now... It's for our own good.
4. Be more consistent. Let's make the next 6 months doing 5 posts a week, with quality writing. If we're going to work together at 4 AM when I'm drunk, you need to start spell-checking me better also. Got it?
5. Stop making me backslide with Hooter's chicks and Women with 16 year olds and girls that I have no business screwing around with. Wait, this one is supposed to be in my letter to alcohol. Forget about this one.
6. Commenting on other people's blogs is fine with me, but don't start promising to attend blogger meet ups or any of that shit. If I like a blogger and their blog then I will gladly meet them, but going to a blogger meet up full of Christian right wing nut jobs and creepy, basement, D and D, internet people is something I will not do. Unless I'm on a three day Adderall bender and I know some hot blogger will be there. Then I'll stumble in and try my hardest to do something outrageous, offend everyone and end up getting banned from RVABlogs.
7. Finally, thank you. You make me write and I'm really starting to like this writing thing. You give me some direction in a life that had very little hope 6 months ago. But seriously dude, I enjoy getting laid, so lay off these poor simple-minded girls. I mean they grew up in Richmond for christs sake.... They just aren't that smart. :)