Monday, June 23, 2008

Jack Goes To Atlantic City

*The chances of us seeing this many hot girls over the entire weekend combined are slim to none, but rest assured, if we do, I'll undoubtedly say something really witty as I saunter up to the table.

I'm leaving for a weekend in Atlantic City after work on Thursday Night. In preparation for the trip I've already learned how to play craps. But trust me when I say, craps will be but one small part of the equation this coming weekend. Here is the percentage breakdown for AC:

15 % Strip Clubs: When I say Atlantic City has good strip clubs, what I'm really saying is that Atlantic City has strip clubs. My boys and I go not for the quality of stripper, we go for the peace of mind that the strippers are so low quality that we may actually have a chance at bedding a few of them. Although when I'm in any strip club, I'm usually hammered, so in my head I always have a chance with any stripper, whether it's true or not.

35% Gambling: Simple fact: You gamble in a casino, you drink for free. They pump oxygen into casinos and the red bull vodkas flow like the James River, meaning I'll be jacked the fuck up all weekend. We'll be the guys at the blackjack table shouting and cursing after every card, calling every new dealer a derogatory term based on their weight and/or attractiveness level and then fruitlessly trying to convince the floor managers to comp us a free breakfast even though it's only 8 PM.

(100 %) Drinking: It's a bachelor party. I'll probably have to restrain myself from drinking on the drive up I-95. Meanwhile my friends will be chugging from flasks and having to piss in empty water bottles in my backseat because I refuse to pull over for them.

2% Eating: Let us be real here, we're a bunch of young professionals (except for me) and the money that it will cost to actually eat at a decent restaurant would be much better spent on other pursuits. That being said, I guarantee some of the entourage will want to have a nice dinner somewhere. Umm, yeah, I'll be at the Craps table, drinking my dinner.

0% On The Beach: There's a good chance I won't see the light of day all weekend. Besides, Atlantic City's beach makes VA Beach look like Hawaii. Which is to say: It's fucking awful.

15% In Bars/Clubs: Women go to bars/clubs, meaning we will go to bars/clubs. I do have some misgivings about dealing with the high number of New Jersey, Gatti boy, guidos that run in that scene though. Of course I sometimes wear my hair like I'm Sonic the Hedgehog, so I can't really make fun of them that much.

45% In The Company of Females: This is where it gets interesting. Most of the bachelor party crew is married, engaged, or tied down. Now even though this is a bachelor party for my boy, I will not be sitting at a bar the whole time reminiscing with the groom about how we used to do balloons of nitrous and then go around smashing mailboxes (we did and it was fun). I won't force any "relationship guys" to come along on my escapades either, but if I dissapear for hours at a time, well... don't be surprised. The life of a single guy is far different from the life of a relationship guy. That being said, I still love ya buddy.

5% Sleeping: I'm not even sure how many rooms we have (and there is at least 8 of us) and I haven't bothered to ask. For all I know we could be sharing one room. I personally won't be there much so the people who will inevitably sneak off at midnight to get some sleep can have it all to themselves, unless of course a few of us decide to go on a prostitute hunt, then those "sleepy" people may be thrown out into the hall with a pillow.
(Okay okay, the percentages don't add up, mainly because a lot of these activities overlap, and I'm to lazy to make everything add up correctly.)
*If any readers have some good AC suggestions for me please leave them in the comment section.*


Benedict Smith said...

i'm hoping to make it up to AC or Vegas sometime in the next year.....I haven't really raged out since I was in Cancun, and Tijuana before that....I'm not a math genius, but your percentages/priorities sound spot on good sir.

Anonymous said...

85% Doing bumps in the casino bathroom.

John Farmer said...

That is what im talking about -- free booze at the casino and free HPV at the strip clubs. I’ve called ahead and ensured that Steel Reserve will be on tap and on point -- so we may have to note a 10% chance of involuntarily playing the puke game. Farmer, out…

Jack Goes Forth said...

JF- Couldn't be happier to hear from you. J and I were just discussing whether or not the "Farmer of old" would be showing up for the trip. That question is answered...somewhat.

See ya Friday morning.