Sunday, June 22, 2008

How NOT To Pick Up Women

-Saying to your buddy "I'll jump on the grenade" before going over and talking to two girls is perfectly acceptable. Calling that girl "the grenade", to her face, five minutes into the conversation is not advised though. I somehow managed to talk my way out of that one.

-Getting two decent looking girls (Okay, one was hot, one wasn't. (The Grenade)) out of a neighborhood bar where everyone knows each other is akin to playing that video game "Paperboy." People start coming out of the woodwork with lawnmowers, strollers; they're random bowling balls coming down the street at you, and meanwhile I'm just trying to make sure the right houses get their newspaper. I mean seriously, last night my buddy and I walked through a cockblock minefield just trying to get these girls out of the bar. Some assbag who works at the bar told these girls that I'm a whore. Who? Me? Jack? Never....

-We ended up at IHOP where I managed to have both of these girls say they "hate me" multiple times over the course of the meal because "I was insulting their intelligence". What intelligence?

- At one point I looked at my buddy and in front of the girls said, "Look man, I'm trying to help you out by coming along on this death march, but I'm not sure I can handle these two anymore."

- I'm really not a good wingman. I thought very seriously about just going for my buddy's girl even though we had both already "paired off". What can I say? She was hot. I didn't because even I have some moral boundries and completely trying to fuck over a friend would be a bit much.

- Unsurprisingly they both ended up warming up to me by the end of the meal, although I'll admit, I was a raging sarcastic asshole the entire time. It proves my theory that nice guys simply cannot win. These were somewhat smart, 27 year old girls too, not my garden variety 19 year olds.

-To answer your question... No, much to my chagrin, nothing happened. I blame society and their rigid guidelines against hooking up with a guy in an IHOP bathroom that you had just met one hour before. We really should look at revising some of the guidelines that govern "normal" society.


Anonymous said...

Classic. Love the paperboy analogy, at one point I really thought we might not get them out of there. But we didn't realize that we actually brought the biggest cockblock with us (the grenade). And I don't think you did your job b/c I definitely picking srapnel out of my leg today. But in your defense you did call her a "hot grenade". I'm thinking you may not be invited to my next "date".


Anonymous said...

Taking girls to IHOP. Classy move JGF.

Couldn't seal the deal???

dchero said...

Paperboy, that's a good one. Sometimes I miss the hidden challenges of picking up women in smaller cities/towns. Like seeing them in the future for one.

Women said...

Hooking up with strangers in a IHOP bathroom is actually a guideline we've been looking at altering, thus making it perfectly acceptable and even encouraged to do so.

Anonymous said...

You guys need to grow up.. or you'll be a "hubby" before you know it.

Ava V. said...

I still can't seem to grasp the why girls like assholes, but its definitely true. And I'm just a little ashamed to admit it has happened to me.

Benedict Smith said...

sadly, the societal norms work to confound our evening escapades night after night and time after time. *sigh* we know what they want to do, there's just too much pressure to conform...and too much stigma. down with stigma!
usually, the less I care the more sarcastic I become...and the more interested girls become. *sigh*

Jack Goes Forth said...

B- Yeah it was funny, I really wasn't trying and basically just being my mean, sarcastic self... It's almost sad how well it works.

DC- Yeah this Richmond living makes for some interesting "same girl" encounters. It's similar to college though, and I loved college so it can't be all that bad.

Anon- Hubby? whaaa? You're crazy.