Sunday, June 8, 2008

Bartender Truisms

- When a bartender smells the shaker after he has poured you shots, the shots are probably made wrong. Trust me, I've made some pretty rank shots and the only way I confirmed this was by smelling the shaker tin before I rinsed it out

- There is no other profession (except for professional pornographic actors) that have the ability to get laid more, and this includes real actors, models, extremely rich guys, NBA benchwarmers, firemen, etc... The quality of girl that a bartender will get is much much lower than these other professions and I contribute this to a lack in "super hot" drunken bar skanks, and an overabundance of "mediocore" drunken bar skanks. I made this ground-breaking scientific break through after many months of trial and error.

- On the note of shots. I know A LOT of drinks, but there are some I can't remember. Don't look at me funny when I admit that I don't know what some bar in Hoboken NJ refers to as the "The Big Blue Giant" and unless you and I are the only people in the bar, I do not want to have a discussion about it. Pick a common shot and I'll make it well, unless you're an aforementioned "drunken bar skank"; in that case I'll be a little heavy handed when I'm pouring the harder booze into the shaker... wink wink.

- It's called a BUY BACK. I give you a few free drinks and you give me a higher tip. You are essentially just paying for the free drinks and not having to leave a real tip. There are people who don't understand this and still leave the same lame ass 15 percent or whatever. Do you think I'm giving you a free drink because I like you? Because you and I are such trusted associates? Ummmm, no. While I do slip drinks to people I like or trusted regulars, lets be real: I got kids to feed bitch. Well not exactly, but I got random shit to blow my money on so you better learn the tipping rules.

- Don't ever ask to me to pour this one extra heavy. I know pour counts. You want heavy, ask for a double and pay for the extra hooch. I'm not exactly pouring light as it is and I can assure you that the bosses bottom line is not my main motivator in bartending. Tip well on the first drink or your first time in the bar, and I will remember you and treat you accordingly. I don't forget a face or someones drink. Names are another story though.

- I can smile and nod with the best of them, but lets be honest here, I probably don't want to talk to you. There are some people I genuinely enjoy speaking with while I'm working, and then there are some I'd like to shiv in the gut with my fruit knife. Here's my advice, either tip huge or be more interesting.

- You don't see this much in a cubicle or office setting, but trust me when I say, "There will always be another girl (or guy) coming down the line." You heartbroken? Sad about gettng dumped? Don't be. The best way to get over someone is to meet someone else (or have a romp in the hay with a "drunken bar skank"), and in my work environment there is never a shortage of new (somewhat sexy) people.

- Waitresses and hostesses are generally in the 18-23 year old range, and there is an unlimited amount of communication between them and the bartender. My advice: If you don't work in a bar, try and not date one of these people. There is to much temptation when you work in a restaurant, especially with charming rogues like me behind the bar.

Drunken Bar Skanks. I just wanted to make sure I mentioned them at least 4 times in this blog post.


dchero said...

I know I'm not alone when I say I want a full and rounded description of these Drunken Bar Skanks. When you look into their souls, what do you see JGF?

Brie said...

I don't understand people who don't tip well.

Never seen a bartender smell a shaker after making me a shot...but I don't order shots often anyway. ;) I'm a Woodchuck or wine girl.


Drunken Bar Skank said...

I only came here for one or two drinks, now I'm 14 deep and intermittantly crying because other girls in the bar are prettier than me.

Please give me another shot and then ask me to come home with you. I'll comply without hesitation.