Since Strawberry Hill has come and gone and now the only thing most of us have to look forward to is the slow, inevitable decline of our bodies and the melting of our youthful, attractive faces as we march blindly towards our demise, I've decided to give you all some ideas and thoughts on how to reverse the aging process and at the same time maintain a solid level of awesomeness well into Tuesday and possibly longer. This plan, if done correctly should have you peaking right around 6 pm on Friday night, just in time for the weekend.
10:37 AM Monday: Read this post. After reading, stare wistfully out your window at the crummy view (parking lot, another cookie-cutter office building, brick wall) and decide that this is the week you start your transformation. As your energy level increases and your adrenaline starts to surge with the new life decision, wing a recently sharpened pencil at your bosses back. Then as he stomps around looking for the culprit, stop him and blame Sara from HR. That bitch has always had it out for you anyways...
10:39 AM Monday: Retire to the labratory and reward your new found awesomeness with a Monday morning masturbation session. Bonus points if you can convince a co-worker (preferably of the opposite sex) to join you and make it a mutual masterbation session.
11:00 AM- 12:00 PM Monday: Daydream about a life not filled with Friday nights spent watching movies on the couch and Excel spreadsheets that you spend an entire week on that will go unnoticed by your superiors. If you are a master at manipulating those bitch-ass little cells and doing an ultra creative, fully-functional spreadsheet, then congratulations on wasting hours upon hours of your life. At the next happy hour maybe you can bore some chicks with how to jigger the predictor variable in a field while still keeping the sum of each cycle balanced blah blah blah. They call that kind of conversation "panty-dropping, rain-makin, freak-nasty, gettin a handjob on the metro" kind of talk.
12:00 PM-1 PM: Scour Amazon.com for some of the indispensible, cornerstone, classic novels. Instead of buying the actual book, pick up a copy of the accompanying Sparknotes. You shouldn't be concerned with the intellectual benefits from reading (YET), instead you need to build a solid repertoire of classic novels to reference in an effort to be more interesting to new potential friends and suitors. If this seems to time-consuming, simply google some classic books and authors (you can't go wrong with James Joyce) , then remember one or two pertinent facts on each. If people want to get in a deeper discussion about a certain author, call them something derogatory such as "pansy-man" or "four-eyes" and then change the subject. There, thats a solid hour of being productive with your life and not spent discussing the merits of Helvetica typefont for the bi-monthly newsletter that you got buffaloed into co-editing.
1:00 PM Monday: Instead of making a quick jaunt to Taco Hell for your usual 1200 calorie Grilled Stuffed Double Mayo Bomb, opt for a healthier lunch. I'm thinking a large water and some grilled chicken. Hey, listen, I didn't say this plan would be all fun and games but it is a fact that eating healthy and feeling good can actually prolong your existence...I mean fuck....this is some ground-breaking shit here people.
2:00 PM Monday: Get up from your desk, go outside (its beautiful out) and start walking. Walk a mile or two and come back. While walking, try and remember a time when you were sublimely happy, a time when you couldn't repress a smile. Try and figure out how to get back to that place. If there wasn't ever a time like this (in the past month) then I recommend not going back to the office because you got some serious work to do.
Go back to the stress chamber(office). You just got some exercise and I guarantee no one will question where you went or what you were doing. It's when you start asking permission to do things is when you start getting negative responses. Today we start doing what we feel like people, today we take the last cookie in the break room without asking if anyone else wants it, today we ask out the barista at starbucks....no wait, we don't ask, we just say, "we're going out woman (or man)!" Asking permission was okay back in grade school and even back then the cool kids still just did whatever they felt like doing.
5:30 PM Monday: CONSIDER QUITTING YOUR JOB. Yeah you, just do it. Okay I know some of you are perfectly happy and theres nothing in the world that you would change, but I'd be willing to bet that for about 95% of you this isn't the case. Now I understand that in many cases, including my own, money is the main reason why you can't just up and quit. I understand and commisurate with your plight, but there IS NOT a better time than now to improve your work life. Begin looking, begin trying to find something new. The only thing you shouldn't do is be complacent and wait. No one else is out trying to make your life better (except for me)...you and only you can do that.
7:00 PM Monday: Take a good hard look at your spouse, girlfriend or self in the mirror. Are you staying with that person because you're scared of being single? Are you there because you've spent so much time together that you don't know of anything else? Are you there because you just don't think that they could handle it if you ended it? Are you in a comfort zone and just don't feel like breaking up the routine? Are you keeping a blind eye to his or her frequent emotional abuse or infedelaties? Have you stopped working out and eating healthy because you just don't see the need anymore? Are you unhappy???? (be honest)
Answer yes to any of these questions and it's time to hit the road Jack.
You're not ready to settle and it's time you grew a pair and re-entered society. You know who has missed you? Your friends....trust me... You are not that same person we used to know and love. Don't be scared little one...There are many insecure, emotionally unstable people just like you that will make you sublimely happier for short bursts of time ( I know this as a stone cold fact). Comfort is boring. Comfort leads to overweight, boring, miserable, bang my head against a wall, bore strangers in bars with lame talk, listen to the same bands you liked in high school, sexless drudgery.
This is just the beginning. Luckily for me and you, it's never to late to turn it all around.