Thursday, April 10, 2008

How To Dominate the Strawberry Hill Races


I felt that with a big weekend approaching and with the biggest (Richmond) tailgate of the entire year on Saturday, I would give you some tips and advice on how to completely dominate and out-awesomemify your friends, strangers, women, parents, little kids, strippers and whoever else you may encounter. Follow my advice and you will maintain a level of bad ass throughout the Strawberry Hill Races that few, if any, can match.

--Take your tailgating seriously. Don't pull a hipster stance and be all non-chalant about Strawberry Hill (the aforementioned biggest Richmond party of the year). Buy your beer (good beer...meaning Miller Lite is as cheap as you can go), spirits (over 20 dollars a bottle, at least) and food (no fucking Mickey D's, grow up and cook something) by the Friday before the event. This Saturday is all about drinking, acting cool and tough in front of your friends, and hitting on women in LARGE numbers. You don't want to wake up on Saturday and have to make eight stops for booze and food and suntan lotion and other worthless BS. Real men prepare for a day of partying, little whiny sissy men buy a six pack of Newcastle the morning of....



-- Don't, and I can't stress this enough, do not bring a girlfriend (or boyfriend) to the event!!!! You can bring unattached girls with your group, but bringing a girlfriend pretty much defeats the whole purpose of Strawberry Hill. What is the purpose of Strawberry Hill then? I'm glad you asked. Drinking, acting lewd, and hooking up with new girls or girls from your past in strange and uncompromising places. Porta potties, flatbed of a truck, in front of your friends while wrapped in a large American flag.... you get the idea.

--Pace yourself....TO AN EXTENT! No one likes the guy who monitors his drinking to the point where he only allows himself one beer an hour. He is a prick and shouldn't be allowed within 25 feet of the awesomeness you're making rain down upon the tailgate. Now its also advised that you don't drink to blackout before the 11 AM hour, but if you happen to find yourself in this position, don't sweat it. Most people won't notice or will forget about it by 12:30 PM. I suggest the following drinking regimen:

Wake up, shower, dress, begin packing car, begin 30 minute drive to Colonial Downs, crack a beer on the way, get to track, set up tailgate, crack another beer, take celebratory shot of Tuaca for setting up the tailgate and for being such a cool and tough guy, crack another beer, etc. The main piece of advise I can give you is to watch your shot intake in the morning (unless its cold and raining like last year, in that case, spike your starbucks with four shots of Irish Whiskey and don't look back.... don't ever look back).

-- Heres some track specific advice. I know some people who like to walk the entire track to see people, and then some people chill at their tailgate and wait for people to come to them. As a five year veteran of the races and someone who has done both, heres my two cents. Stay within 50 yards of your tailgate!!! You're not going to the race to get a workout, you're going to party. You will see plenty of old faces and new friends by staying put. If you don't have a car lot and you have a car pass instead, I would suggest finding some bad ass party monsters like myself and hooking your wagon to their star. You won't regret it. Personally the walk always ends in me being half way around the huge track, drunk from taking random shots with strangers, and wishing I was back at my lot. Knowing you're two miles from home base sucks.

--Heres a good one and practical also. Don't or at least try not to hook up with your Ex on Saturday. You will see her walk by, possibly with a new lover...In this instance my advice would be to immediately whisper to your friends what a loser the guy shes with is, take a shot, then do some sort of old school dance (Possibly the Ed Lover dance, or even the Humpty Dance works) in an effort to show her how awesome you are and how you could care less who shes with. Making out with a random hussy is also pretty effective in this situation.

Theres plenty of women or men there... Theres no need to rehash old feelings, especially when you're piss drunk and you're with all your cool and tough friends. I've done it, and lets just say it can throw a big ass monkey wrench into your party schedule.

--Don't get in fights. You will see about 20 fights throughout the course of the day...Don't be the asshole in the middle of it. You're more than welcome to lob full, unopened beers into the melees from the tailgate of your truck though. This is an accepted practice at Strawberry Hill as of 2004.

--Have a DD...its a long drive back to Richmond, especially after 15 beers. Find your most loserly of friends and hand him the keys. Tell him, "Strawberry Hill is for MEN and you don't fit the bill...." Then proceed to pour a half-drank beer on his head in an effort to show your dominance. This usually works...

--The last thing...Have fun. Don't let people like me build up the event for you, only for it to suck. You make your own good times so don't let people around you bring you down. Inevitably you will have Debbie Downers at your tailgate....Be honest and tell them to sack up and stop pissing on your parade of Strawberry Hill Domination. Then proceed with the half beer pour on their heads... I find the half beer pour is effective in almost any situation...try it and find out.

13 comments:

Bookstore Piet said...

The first year Strawberry Hill was at Colonial Downs I saw the funniest thing, ever. It was a muddy mess but we had the forethought to rent a funeral homes tent and have it delivered to the infield. From the comfort of our tent we watched some drunk chick, wearing white coulattes, sway and pitch face first into the mud. We started placing bets on whether her friends would pull her out of the mud before she suffocated. They sat staring at her long enough to worry us. When they finally did pull her up the mud made a great sucking noise as it released her. Amateur drinkers crack me up.

Anonymous said...

FYI I am going to dominate SH in a way that will totally redefine how everyone views the races. My legacy will be such that no one will want to go to SH ever again for fear that their time will never live up to the time I had in '08, so whats the point. There is an outside chance they will cancel future races partially out of respect and partially b/c that what I will accomplish this weekend can never be repeated.
So when you see me, be sure to keep your sunglasses on or at the very least do not stare directly at me.

JM

Jeff said...

Is it just me or does that last poster sound like he's planning to mow down every person in his wake with a sawed-off at Strawberry Hill?

Anonymous said...

Who are you "Jeff"? And why is your profile not accesable?

Brie said...

I went last year. It was...times. ;) But I was hoping this year the theme would be horror-based. ;) Not "sawed-off" level horror, more like Carrie/1970's prom gone wrong.

I probably spend way too much time in Wonderland.

in vino veritas said...

domination is not driving but taking a bus. - there are still two with seats left (includes all your food and all your drink)..
another tip: keep all your clothes on - everyone takes pictures.

in vino veritas said...

http://eatdrinkandhopeitisnotscary.blogspot.com/2008/04/off-to-racesstrawberry-that-is.html

Anonymous said...

No toga this year???

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

"nonchalant" is one word, dipshit.

Your Anonymous Richmond Hater

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Over/under on the number of "Her mother was a mudder, her mothers mother was a mudder, she loves the slop" jokes on Saturday? My guess is in the billions. I already plan on being responsible for 25-35 of these jokes.

JM

Douglas Fairbanks said...

you are an idiot. Stick to selling people beer and stop dumbing down the internets.