Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Bar Vampire Girl

I'm bartending last night. I'm on the outdoor patio bar by myself and it's a beautiful night. The crowd is steady and I'm pouring drinks from the minute we open at 6 PM. The tip bucket begins to fill up and I start to flow into the steady rhythm that a good bartender will tend to get once they begin moving. My movements are precise, drinks and shots are made expertly and with a controlled and speedy tempo. I acknowledge people I recognize and make the usual charming small talk, all the while I keep the bar immaculate and keep the money changing hands. The night is young and I feel really good (not drug good, just a natural high).

Around 9 PM a waitress that I know from another restaurant walks in with her two friends. As the waitress and I exchange pleasantries I happen to lock eyes with one of her friends. Her friend has a beautiful face but what really catches my eye are her piercings and tattoos. Her lower lip, tongue and nostril are all pierced and her back and upper torso are competely covered with tattoos. Her skin isn't completely "blacked out" with tats, but there has obviously been A LOT of work done. Other patrons at the bar turn around and it seems like this girl is the center of attention. I failed to mention that she also had a smoking hot body. She got a great deal of attention throughout the night.

It's clear from the outset that this girl likes me. She locks eyes then looks away and she giggles with her two girlfriends about me. I bartend and I flirt me, it was on.

(A side dilemma that comes with flirting with girls while bartending is that they're drinking and you don't get out of the bar til 3:30 or 4:00 AM, making a same night hang out very difficult due to a girl's tolerance and patience. I liken meeting a girl while working to pitching in baseball. I meet her and give her my set-up man (Joba Chamberlain), then if I can procure a next day or same week hangout, I bring in the closer (Mariano Riviera). I tried to explain this to my boss last night... Okay I've gotten off track but you understand the juxtaposition here...right?)

So the night wore on and I steadily flirted with this tattoo'ed, slighty redneck (as I begin to see) beauty. I won't divulge all the details but I will skip forward to the end of the night.

As the bouncers begin herding everyone out the door I motion to him that the three girls (waitress, tatty'd redneck, other girl) are okay to stick around. So I walk around the bar and hang out with the tat for a few minutes, and again, I'm not divulging that much, except for this:

If you can imagine, this girl wasn't the most cultured girl and was basically a dirt nasty, don't tell mom the babysitters dead, doing blow off each other's inner-thigh, ho fo sho, skanky freak fest. She was a hot mess.

So as her friends start to walk out she comes back up and gives me a nice, slow peck on my neck. then... unannounced, she chomps and I mean CHOMPS into my neck, interview with a vampire style! I immediately give her a hard forearm shiver and send her back a good 10 feet.

"I swear to god if that left a mark I'll kill you woman!" I said, half joking and half serious.

It really fucking hurt, but it was in front of the other bartenders, bouncers, owner, hangers-ons, I manned up and laughed it off, but I was a little worked up.

I guess these are the types of girls I should expect when I work at the bar I do. I'm not complaining about it. Sometimes I just need to get the fuck out of my own head and enjoy certain times. It's just a tooth mark on my neck.

And no... I didn't call her after I got off and I didn't go back to whatever dilapidated outhouse she lives in, although the option was clearly there. I won't say the thought didn't cross my mind but I had my reasons not to make that trip (this time). Unfortunately I had to work at another bar at 10 am and it was 4:30 am when I got off so I needed my rest... This isn't always the case.


Anonymous said...

Get a tetanus shot and heres some ointment for that rash on your groin.

Brie said...

I probably know that chick. In a former life I worked on the dark side (before I got my 8-5). ;)

Sully said...

"Man up"? A decent man would assist the bouncer in holding her until the cops got there. Then a judge can do the right thing and put her in an institution with the rest of the psychos.

Or if that's too subtle, a fella could always consider trapping her in a modified basement, carving all her tattoos off with a potato peeler, and plucking all of her piercings out with a pair of pliers, (because this is clearly what she was asking for).

Of course all this clarity of vision comes easy in hindsight. So I'll just say, "Enjoy the hepetitis!"

Jack Goes Forth said...

Good advice Sully. I like your style.

oh and it turns out I'm Hep free, of course then I nailed her a week later sans condom, and now I can barely pee without doubling over in pain.

Okay I'm joking.