Lines or excuses I've used or have in my repertoire and am always ready to use.... Feel free to add your own in the comments section.
-Ummm, I haven't really "pleasured myself" in a few days, so you know, thats, um... why it was so quick....Just give me 7 minutes.... Go have a panini or something.
-Look, for some reason I've already "pleasured myself" like 7 times today, I was bored earlier .....so I guess thats why its taking so long... um.... you can turn the TV on if you want.
-Shut up, I just need to concentrate for a minute (meaning: fantasize about a better girl)
-Damn, my buddy just texted..he's all broken up about his ex... Listen hes been there for me so I gotta go be there for him. You understand how it goes.... I'll call you tomorrow. (said directly after sex)
-Ummmm...I guess I drank to much tonight.
- I really need to stretch out when I sleep...its my bad back. Would you mind going home tonight? (said before or after sex)
-We can probably Macguyver one out of Birdie's (her cat) esophagus. Wait, will this do? (me holding up some scotch tape)
-I'm fucking starving. Do you have the materials neccessary for a grilled cheese? and if so, could you please fix one up for me? (said directly after sex and said with a boyish sort of charm.....it usually works)
- Ummm where should I throw this? her: "ummm, the trash can" . . . . . . SPLAT! Hmmm.....I think I missed the can.
-Damn, you know what I did??? I totally lost my debit card at the bar last night. Stupid drunk idiot Jack.... So you're gonna have to pick this tab up. Don't worry, its on me for the next three meals.
-Yeah we're pre-partying at so and so's place. Its gonna rock. Oh but on the way over can do us a quick favor... yeah just grab a 30 pack of whatever beer and maybe some pizza or chips...whatever you like babe. We picked up the liquor earlier but forgot the rest of it..... yeah yeah of course we'll pay you back...
- I never touched her! I swear to you... oh, well your friend is a lying bitch. Everyone always says stuff about me thats never true....I don't understand why this is babe. Hold me.
- You're number 7...I've just been in so many long term relationships that I never got around to the whole "player" stage....
- Yeah we can go do that....but since its so early I'm probably gonna come back to the bar afterwards... cause I mean, all my friends are still here and stuff.
- When I wake up my hair is just sort of like this....I use product maybe once a week. It just goes crazy all of the time. Yeah...yeah, it does look good doesn't it?
- I usually have a six pack but I've been bulking up to try out for a local semi-pro football team so its kind of hidden right now.
- I just don't see the need to wait until our second, third or even fourth date to do this...I mean... fuck! Why does society impose these bogus rules on relationships... All that it serves to do is extinguish the passion that two people sometimes share. I'm just not into living by other people's standards when it comes to someone I really like... (I swear I've said this, or some variation of this...and it worked....Try getting all anti-society on their ass :)
Late Addition: No condoms?! Damn... well I guess we'll just have to settle for the back door on this one. (Sorry I had to add something about the booty.)