Wednesday, March 5, 2008

DC v. Richmond: The Pick Up Scene

There are many factors to look at when one is analyzing how ideal a city is for picking up women(or men). But in this case both of the cities in question suck a huge ball sack, so we're gonna toss the usual criteria out the window and use a new grading system. This new grading system might be a bit biased because lets face it people, Jack Goes Forth gets laid from Tallahasse to Tacoma, Washington. No city can tame this beast... but thats neither here nor there. Lets get started and remember that this is a highly scientfic approach and not some bullshit I threw together while I was waiting for my Tombstone pizza to cook:




1. Cost of a lite beer: DC : 4.25 Richmond: 3.00 This ones a no-brainer. Higher cost of living, blah blah blah. A bunch of rich assholes in DC. Blah blah blah.

Verdict: Richmond





2. Cost of a mid-tier liquor drink: DC: 7.00 Richmond: 5-6.00 Read about the beer. Same shit. What does this mean for the pick up scene? Duh...More bang for your buck. I don't mean that you should buy drinks for any girls, I mean you need to drink a lot to convince yourself you're not a hideous Shrek-like figure, or so that you can bang the ugliest mud turtles in the bar with NO SHAME.

Verdict: Richmond (I'm poor you assholes!)





3.Variety of bars: DC: DC pretty much has everything under the stars. Clubs, Lounges, Shot and beer bars, Hipster shitholes, etc. Unfortunately most, if not all of these places lack any real soul, but they're there. For as many bars as there are in DC though, a solid women to men ratio is very difficult to find....if not impossible.

Richmond: Nice shot and beer type bars and crappy shot and beer type bars. By shot and beer bars I mean an unpretentious place where people congregate to get drunk. No frills, no cover charge, no dress code. There are a few wannabe DC bars such as Big Daddies and Have a Nice Day, but they don't really hold a candle to real clubs. While it still is tough to find decent guy/girl ratios, its easier than DC.

Verdict: Tie. DC has much much more variety but for someone looking to get laid, Richmond will offer you more from the few cool bars that it does have.





4.Typical Girls: I'm not gonna describe each city on this one. DC has more international flavor, more transplants, and more fatties. Richmond has no international flavor, less fatties and hotter southern chicks.

Verdict: DC by a hair. I like southern white chicks, but I also like to mix it up. This was a tough decision though because the international flavor is generally found in clubs, and I want to burn every mega-club in DC to the f-in ground. Still DC gives you more to look at most of the time. Oh and by tough decision, I mean I gave it about 1 second more of thought than the other questions. I got a pizza in the oven here people!





5.The typical competition: DC: After work, suit wearing, Tucker Carlson hair cut, who after 7-8 drinks will approach a girl and spit some weak game. Mix in a few Persian guys with tight orange Armani shirts on, and a few black guys who act white and have decent game.... Thats DC to me. To be fair there are some alphas and tough-talking bloggers roaming the streets...

Richmond: Can anyone say khakis and croakies. Same Tucker Carlson do, probably under a fishing hat. NO GAME is spit in Richmond. Guys simply will not approach on a regular basis. No real alpha dogs. No one purposely moves to Richmond, everyone who is here is generally born and bred.


Verdict: Richmond wins on one fact alone. At least dudes in DC try to pick up girls. They go out and attempt it. In Richmond, guys go out to get shithoused. In DC its sort of the same, but after downing an 18 pack they then punch girls in the arm and stuff...you know, to get their attention. When no ones talks to girls, you can pretty much say whatever you want to them and it'll work.





6.First thing a girl asks you:

DC: ...guess..... WHAT DO YOU DO???? I'm into, uh, well murders and executions mostly.

Richmond: What do you like to do? What makes you happy?


Verdict: Get real, Richmond in a landslide. I'm so tired of the soulless, vapid, blood-sucking DC women. Give me some character, give me some attitude...no more status bullshit.






7.. The "Dirty Sock Award" for Jack's Dirtiest Deed by City

DC: Pooping on someone

Richmond: Pooping on someone.


Verdict: EVERYONES A WINNER!!!!!





I know there are many more categories but mah peeza is done. I'll hit you with the hot blogness some other time.

4 comments:

roosh said...

Very educational. VK and I may come down there soon to celebrate his friends birthday

Ava V. said...

ten years ago was the last time i was in richmond i played laser tag, good to know the scene has improved for your sake

Anonymous said...

Richmond is full of transplants: people who move here on purpose.

Jack Goes Forth said...

There are people who move here (Richmond) on purpose... But generally these people aren't of the 21-34 variety, i.e: the ones who are out on the pick up scene.

Theres a few, but DC's transplant numbers dwarf Richmonds by at least 10 to 1