Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Hey Me, It's Jack

(Ed.Note: I wrote this letter to myself a few weeks ago for a new blog ( Read it and take it with a grain of salt.)

Dear Me,

I want to congratulate you on being such a smashing sexy success in 2007. Lets run down what made the last year of our life so incredibly awesome.

You managed to work for two different employers and still end the year unemployed and with virtually no prospects. I really want to pat us on the back for such a show of incompetence and utter laziness. We proved that money and bills mean absolutely nothing to us.

An 89% condom usage rate!!! We managed to shatter our previous record of 40% set in 2005. Somehow all of those fearful trips to the free clinic and the multiple cotton swabs to the pee-pee hole finally scared us straight.

Though I don't have the numbers to back this up, it would be safe to say that 2007 was our heaviest drinking year yet. We really took our "college-self" out behind the tool shed and kicked his ass. He couldn't keep up with the new and improved drinking 'us'. Also judging by the huge facial scar and multiple condom wrappers found behind the bed...I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say we blacked out in 2007 more than any other previous years. Cheers!

2007 also held another first for us. More broken promises. Our lack of follow-through in 2007 was simply astounding. By checking our voicemail I can count 13 unreturned calls from last week alone. Do the math...thats us avoiding responsibility and work with amazing discipline. Keep it up you!

One great new thing we've noticed about ourself in 2007, was the complete lack of restraint in social settings. We cussed at bosses, parents, waiters, strangers... It was really awesome how we refused to take crap from anyone, anywhere, anytime. Regardless of the consequences, we made it known how we felt. Social tact???? HAHA...thats for suckers.

And last but not least, through all the drinking, drugs, sex, shameless self-promotion, avoidance of work, laziness, etc... we did do one thing exceptionally well.... We always kept it sexy. It may have something to do with all the product we use in our hair, but seriously...we never had a hair out of place in all of 2007. I mean damn....we really looked good.

Good work me.

Keep it up.

Your Lover,



dchero said...

Free clinic ...shudder.... I'm more afraid of Q-Tips than the wrath of God.

Raleighwood said...

I feel it's the price you have to pay if you are going to be a responsible manwhore.