Wednesday, February 6, 2008

The Doldrums

So I've spent the last two days (and part of today) in a sort of flu-induced stupor. When you spend that much time confined to a bed, in and out of sleep and in a drugged-out haze...theres really only one thing you can do. You think.

Unfortunately my thoughts have tended to be on the negative side for the past few days. I guess the combination of my directionless life and my body getting ravaged by this virus doesn't make for sunny thoughts. Through my haze I've fielded calls from recruiters, jobs, second interviews, etc...But I can barely remember who I spoke with or what was said (Luckily I scribbled some stuff down).

In my "non-sick" day dreams I'm certainly not accepting a new job and finding a new place to live. No, I'm not anywhere near that life. But in my "sick/drugged-out" day dreams though, I find myself thinking very cryptically. Like having dark fantasies about being confined to one place until I die, or unexpectedly becoming a father in the near future, or even treading away in a cubicle until I'm old and wrinkled. I've been uncharacteristically down.... although those moments will generally get followed with some wrinkle of hope and I'll be incredibly euphoric for a spell. (Bi-polar perhaps?!?) Come to think of it I've always resembled a rollar coaster in my emotion and thought process...

For the most part though, I am generally extremely optimistic when it comes to life and situations, but being sick sure has a way of taking the wind out of your sails. Once this BS passes, it is so on.

"As long as I have a want, I have a reason for living. Satisfaction is death." -G.B. Shaw

"There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."-N. Mandela


Anonymous said...

How come when we are at our weakest is when we give in to things we don't want to and cave into the pressures of societal norms? Why when we are hungover we abandon the drunken plan to marry the stripper and move to Vegas?

The answer is simple, because we are wrong when we are weak and right when we are strong. You need to be strong to stand up to society's expectations. Thoughts of giving in and playing by the rules attack us when we have the least resistance to fight back. This does not make them right. In fact it just shows they are wrong. Cowards attack when their opponents are weak. Invasive thoughts are cowardly.

The solution? Live life as if you are perpetually drunk, either literally or figuratively.


N said...

Look the reason why things didn't work out before was because you didn't have a plan Jack. You just dropped everything at whims glance and was like "Alright, I'm gonna do this", without really giving it any thought. If you want to travel the world, do something different with life, pursue dreams, or even pursue the pursuit of dreams, you NEED to have resources. KEEP those who believe in you around you, set some goals, and you really will be able to do all that you dream. I've told you this from day one of your rants and raves, and you were always just so entrapped in your own self righteousness and too stubborn to listen. Be patient, you are young - its the perfect time to start planning now. Just be smart about it before you pursue it again.