So I decided to use this Saturday night and spend it with my Mom and my fam at our families river house. I contemplated just spending a few hours here and heading back to catch the Saturday night party fever with pals but my Mom convinced me otherwise. So my river house is basically in the middle of nowhere and my cell phone coverage is spotty to say the least. After about 5 hours of going in and out of service, the little bastard died on me (I left my charger at home). At first I was pissed... What text messages am I missing? What calls? My god, I'm alone with only my thoughts!!!! Noooo!!! This feeling lasted about an hour and finally I got used to being out of the loop and by myself. So the fam and I did dinner, had some drinks and now I'm back at the house, alone, listening to slower music (Radiohead, 3EB, Jens Lekman) and blogging.
Its times like this when I'm alone, slightly tipsy and cut off from friends/women, that I begin to get a little "soft" in my thoughts. I start to remember past girlfriends, I rememer times we spent here at this river house, I wonder what their up to and who they're with nowadays....and mostly... I feel slightly lonely.
These times are rare, due to the fact that I usually keep my body and brain completely over-stimulated w/ drinks, friends, gym, women, pharmaceuticals, fun. But when I do sit down with nothing else on my plate, I get to thinking... What would life be like if I had someone by my side right now? As much as I bash relationships, I do know the "pros" of them. Times like these can be pretty amazing when you're with someone funny and sexy. A deeper level of happiness and sex can certainly be attained when spending "one on one" time with a partner, isolated from society.
hmmmmmmm.... Maybe I should try and find that special little butterfly and start building some meaningful memories.....
But then I remember the feeling of anticipation you get before a crazy night out with friends. I remember the sensation of getting a first kiss from a girl you've been digging for weeks. I remember the rush you get from making a spur of the moment decision...like a spontaneous roadtrip to AC, or randomly meeting a new girl on a Tuesday for multiple drinks. The joy that only a free man can feel when he has no idea whats next or what life has in store for him (Thats me---> all the time). I remember the independence and the self-reliance of being single.
I remember hating the routine of a relationship. The constant calls. The assumed "sleep-overs". The interrogations about where you were or what you were doing. The petty jealously. The "being out with a girlfriend and getting vibed by 6 other beautiful women and not being able to do a damn thing" feeling. The sacrifice.
At this point in my life I know which side of the spectrum I fall on. I hate to say NO to relationships because I know there are a lot of girls I will meet and have heavy feelings for and special memories with. I just don't see the need to limit myself or my world in the near future.
People will say, "once you find that right person you will feel differently". I don't agree. Theres to many "right" people out there. I may think someone is right for a month or a year... but guess what? You will always find someone new, and different, and exciting....Someone that will make your heart skip a beat everytime you touch them. There's simply to many women (or men) with great personality traits and wonderful qualities for me to settle this early. I feel like a world class fisherman who goes to the ends of the earth to catch that huge marlin, only to toss it back in once they've caught it. The thrill of the chase is more intoxicating than actually posessing your target.
I do still get lonely.... But when that happens I usually just man up, crank something less gay than Radiohead and wake up the next day ready to attack. Loneliness always passes. Heartbreak always goes away. Another train always comes down the line.
Postscript: I bashed early marriage tonight in front of my family and mentioned that it increases the likelyhood of divorce. My uncle then said something very profound. He said, " Your friends may get divorced at 30, but their lives won't any different from yours....they'll just have different problems." He was right. Its up to every man to make his way through the world, and its up to every man to deal with his own mistakes and his own misfortunes. I guess all I'm trying to say is...Do what makes you happy now. Worry about the future...in the future.
PS II: My aunt told me to grow up and that no one can be like Peter Pan. I said, "well Peter Pan was like Peter Pan". Then she goes..."Hes a fictional character, you're not". I guess shes right, but it still won't deter me from attempting to not grow up.