Ed.Note II: This "letter" is clearly fake and full of sarcasm. It was not intended to be a real letter from a real person. I felt like most people could've understood that, but I guess not...
Dear Scumbag (Jack),
I've been reading your blog and it reminds me of you in bed. A complete joke. I've never read such cocky, lamely sarcastic, self-pity bullshit before. You make me sad that I ever started talking to you that day, in that bar. I was so damn drunk and you come up with your little self-effacing personality and your college boy good looks. You're lucky I let you sleep with me that night, and the next, and four weeks later , after having not spoken to me for three and half weeks and having only asked to hang out again by text, at 4 AM.
Why don't you grow up? Get a job like everyone else. I'm tired of reading about you spending your days doing nothing as I sit in an office doing work that a retarded dolphin could do. My friends agree with me that you need to get your shit together and join the world or else...And my friends know a lot, so much so that they pretty much dictate how I live.
Thats right, get in line or you may have to wait until you're 70 to retire. Meanwhile with my work ethic, I'll retire at 65. Unfortunately all of these years of eating like Rosie O'Donnell and "working out" on the stairmaster for 20 minutes a week will have caught up to me, and theres a good chance I'll be near death or wishing I was dead at that point. But I won't be working. No sirree bob.
Don't you listen to your friends? Your parents? They know all the answers Jack! Live your life on other peoples terms you jackass or people may say disrespectful things about you. Words can hurt you know. If you'd start caring about what people said about you... Then you would be unhappy just like my fat ass (Oh I've gained a few pounds....Doesn't every girl when they hit 25?)
Oh and whats with the womanizing??? Find a nice girl and settle down! If you don't find a nice girl soon, they'll all be gone. Thats right, when you hit 30 and you're still single...Fuhgeddabboutit! You're done you geezer. No older man has ever remained single, responsibility-free and happy. Nope. You gotta get divorced at least once by 35 and give up half your shit or you're not livin brotha! Having to ask for permission to drink with longtime friends--->Thats how you should conduct your life. No more going for beers and pizza on a Tuesday. Nope. Tuesday is date night. You sit on the couch, watch American Idol and talk about each other's day. How was your day honey? Its soooooooo much fun, I swear.
And another thing, everyone, including you, should live their life and do their work with their funeral in mind. "What will people say about me when I'm gone?" Thats what you have to keep in mind. Regardless of the fact that when you die, you will have NO idea what people think, and "YOU" will not exist anymore. Stop doing stuff that makes people not like you. As long as people say nice words during your two week grieving period...Well asshole, thats what is important. You WIN if people like you after you die. Its true.
In conclusion. I hate you. If I see you out at a bar I may not even speak to you...well I might not speak with you. I'm not gonna let you just follow me home again and sleep with me! Not again...Unless you're particularily charming that night, like you usually are when I'm drunk...But you got a slim chance buddy...a slim chance.
PS. I'll be at Tiki Bob's on Friday at 6. I mean I don't want to see you, but I just thought you should know... Just incase you're in the neighborhood and want a couple drinks...or something.
With fleeting hatred,
* Contrary to popular belief Jack Goes Forth can still be hurt by sticks, stones and in this case, a beer bottle. Words still fail to hurt him though.
I'll save the story behind this photo for a time when I'm drunk-blogging. There will be blood.