Thursday, January 10, 2008

FUNemployment Running Diary

The following is a description of a day in the life of Jack. An unemployed, 24 year old.

7:45: Wake up to my phone beeping and a text message. I can barely lift my head due to a massive headache and a case of the "spins". I'm at "someone's"(not gonna name names!!!!) apartment, not my own (because I'm currently squatting and do not have an apartment). I begin having fuzzy flashbacks of the night before... Mulitple bars, many Guinnesses, Miller Lites, and fruity, girly shots(not my choice). My mouth is like a dry pit of rat feces.

7:50: Get out of bed and stumble around the room trying to find my belongings. Keys: check. Wallet: check. Say goodbye...."I gotta bounce and go vomit in an alley somewhere, I'll call you soon." Short, eloquent.... thats my style.

7:52: Pimp walk to my ride with my eyes barely open and my head cocked at a weird angle in an effort to keep my headache at bay. Get in car and immediately grab CD's. Pick the "Rap Mix #6". Put it on number 2 and Ice Cube's, Today Was a Good Day blasts from my factory Nissan sound system. Even hungover, I bob my head and do a cigarette point at some hobos on the corner. The weather is nice so my windows are down and I'm letting everyone know how cool and tough I am by blasting gangsta rap.

8:05: Spot McDonalds! Hit the drive in and reward my awesomeness with a #10: The new Sausage Burrito, Hash brown and a Diet Coke(gotta keep it sexy).

8:10: Call a few "working" buddys and let them know how awesome my life is. End up getting burrito "sauce" all over myself as I try to drive, eat and talk at the same time.

8:30-10: Blow up my air mattress in my bud's living room and pass back out for a spell. Take three advil beforehand so hopefully when I wake up I'll be able to form complete sentences.

10:05: Phone blows up. Its a recruiter. I have a phone interview tomorrow for a job. Bad Ass. I'm so f-in awesome today that I gots people finding jobs for me. This makes me feel good about myself so I decide to reward myself with more sleep.

10:10- 10:50: Sleep.

10:55: Wake up and apply to a few more jobs on monster, hotjobs and career builder. Puttin in work son.

11:00: I continue to feel like I got yoked in the forehead last night. I decide to hit the gym, although not to workout. This hangover is so severe that its calling for a mean visit to the steam room. Gotta get the lead out baby.
11:15: Hit gym and do three sets of 12 pullups. I'm whiped. Better hit the steam room.

11:20-11:45: Alternate between the steam room and sauna until I've sweat out a few gallons of poison. Luckily the gym is dead and I manage to avoid any old man pean and/or ballsack. I begin to get paranoid in the steam room because of all the fungus ridden old people that inhabit that space. Decide to hit the showers.
12:15: Hit my Mom's place for a free lunch. One huge turkey and swiss sandwhich, a monster bowl of Special K Vanilla and Almonds and three bottles of water. Wash everything down with some OJ. I feel slightly better.

12:30-1:30: Half heartedly search the internet for jobs and apply to some. My buddy's cable TV and thousands of channels begin to distract me. (I know that you know that I'm against Cable TV, but sometimes, when hungover.... well... whatever.) I begin to watch the entire first season of Flight of the Conchords. I consider re-inflating my air mattress and catching a nap, but decide instead to just lounge on the couch with my comforter.

1:30-4:00 PM: Continue to text "working" stiffs and make fun of them. Make some ramen noodles (with the new cooking method..thanks J). Consider hitting the streets and continuing a search for a "fun" job to pay bills until I get a "real" job...But...The overcast skies and rapidly dropping temperatures kill that plan. Tomorrow will be a better day for that :)

4:15: My head is still pounding. I raid my buddys cabinets and take three more advil. I'm now on episode 7 of Flight of the Conchords. I think of my old life and how I would be staring at the clock in the office just praying for time to speed up while at the same time having someone screen any calls from my boss in NYC. I shudder thinking about that hell, then I laugh maniacally thinking about how happy I am now. I'm quite thirsty.

4:30: Hit the local Sheetz (gas station/eatery) for Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi and some tostitos. Consider hitting on some chicks in Sheetz, but they look really young. I draw the line at seniors in high school. Instead of hitting on them, I give them a fierce Zoolander/Blue Steel look as I walk out to my car. I assume that they immediately begin talking about me when I leave and saying how awesome, cool and/or badass I am.

5:00: Call Mom and ask if she wants to treat me to Outback for the third time in four nights. No luck. I decide instead to gorge myself on tostitos and ramen.

6:00: Buddy gets home from work and finds me shirtless, sprawled out on his favorite couch, TV blasting, porn on my labtop and covered in tostitos. We proceed to spend an hour talking about our other friends and making fun of them. Pretty standard stuff.

7:30: As its not Friday, my buddy decides he will stay in tonight. I consider going out for a drink but then realize that my body can't handle it right now. Continue drinking Diet Pepsi and being awesome. Mention to my buddy that the girls better watch out tommorow night, cause a rested Jack, is a dangerous Jack.

8-Midnight: TV, blogging, internet, some job searching. Nothing really fun or awesome. I think about how I can sleep in tomorrow. Awwwww.... I love life.


Anonymous said...

Jack, very disappointed. Sounds like you are just another person who quit their job, is looking for something better and is enjoying the time off in-between. I thought you aspired to something greater. If you truly want to be a revolutionary beatnick slacker, do something more interesting than be lazy before moving onto the next prison.

Jack Goes Forth said...

anonymous, I won't argue your point...unfortunately, I have bring in money somehow(bills,school loans,debt). In principle I don't agree with making a lot of money to pay for shit and live comfortably, but I have to make a little money...somehow. I'm not looking for another prison... I just don't know what to do right now...

I'm having fun and enjoying life right now. This is a major step in the right direction. Hopefully that "revolutionary" move is right around the corner.

Thanks for the comment

Jack Goes Forth said...

Anonymous, that comment really got to me. You're right...I just don't have the means to make the slacker lifestyle a reality at the moment. I want to be that revolutionary beatnick slacker though... any suggestions??

Your friend. said...

I decode this entire blog as a sarcastic description of your own self pity. Once you realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and you start caring for others as much as you care for yourself, you'll quickly discover what life is about, and you can then live the rest of your life to the fullest.

Until you realize that, shit - you've got a real tough road ahead of you. Good luck.

Jack Goes Forth said...



I'll stay in my lane. Have fun with that though.

Anonymous said...

So many suggestions JGF.
I would start by banging a porn star while playing "If You Steal My Sunshine" VERY loudly in the background, the whole time screaming "I love the Knickerbockers". But thats just a start.
But any suggestions I give will end up sounding like my own personal Bucket List (see above, that's #45).
Overall, I 100% think you are definitely are doing the right thing and that you are lucky to come to such a conclusion at such an early age. I think the best things to do on a macro level would be:
1) Don't waste time
2) Travel alot, even w/n the US this obviously would be very rewarding
3) Don't spend too much time in any one place
4) Don't be afraid to go it alone, i.e. do not be afraid to do something even though you can't get anyone to go with you

Money is clearly an obstacle, which is why I remain in "jail", but that doesn't mean you can't do alot without it. Just means you have to be creative. But don't start giving out BJs, that never works.

I am still in the process of deciding whether or not you are my personal hero. On the one hand you have motivation and drive and have taken a first step. On the other you leave some things to be desired that make me quesiton your commitment. For instance, you seem reserved in some of your posts. Why hold back?

Anonymous said...

Oh, and I forgot to add the porn star suggestion requires being jacked up on coke, but I thought that was understood.

dchero said...

There's no way you went the whole day without jerking it. Whenever I have days like this (admittedly, I have to email a sick note into work before 11:00) I jerk it 2 or 3 times. At least. One ropers, too, if I'm lucky.

Jack Goes Forth said...

Haha...this is the feedback I want...and NEED.

DC Hero: Me mentioning my daily masturbation would be akin to me mentioning everytime I went to the bathroom.... It would get repetitive and boring...

Anonymous: The only thing I don't agree with is.... wait... I love it all. Good suggestions. The money issue stops me, but god damn I want to see shit.. I want to see it all...I want to experience it all!!! Going it alone is the only way too.

I'll try to open up the shotgun barrels in my posts, but you're right...Ive been slightly holding back.

Also, sex, and hard drugs....YES.. I love you anonymous :)