(Ed.Note: Day after day, you have kept clicking on Jackgoesforth. You keep wading through the shitty writing minefield of "inspiration stations" and boring rants about my despisal of the real world. When will this asshole (JGF) finally decide to drop the blog hotness once again??? When will I stop writing about worthless crap that only hippies and extremely lazy people care about????
...That day has finally come. Suit up.... Its time, once again, for a running diary. Grab your foamy hazelnut half-caf lattes, rub one out in the bathroom real quick and like always... tell your boss to go take a walk in rush hour traffic with his or her invisible suit on. The following events took place last Friday. This blogpost is based on a true story.)
(Ed. Note II: Since last Friday was a VERY long day, I will not be describing every single minute of the day or the drunken night that followed. Just the totally kickass minutes from that day....)
9 AM: Begin the day at the gym. Hit the pecs, tri's, and abs. Afterwards I lift my shirt in the mirror to growl at my abs. End result: Eunice Jackson, 79, Deceased- Myocardial Infarction. "Big" Bertha Stevenson, 61, Deceased- Unknown Causes. Gerald Gustoff, 76, Experienced first erection in 11 years- Begins drooling on himself.
9:15 AM: I see the girl who runs the daycare center at the gym. I've noticed her before and decide today is the day I make my move. Shes a bit frumptacular and it looks like shes wearing clown paint. Jack Goes Forth is not deterred. I do my straight-pimpin walk up to her and spit the hot game....as she tells me her name, she scratches her nose with her ring finger, making it obvious she wants none of what I'm pitching at her. The ring finger has got the bling on it so I back down. I still walk away satisfied with myself for hitting on a girl so early in the morning. I'm feeling pretty pumped about this day so far. Rejection breeds success.
skip forward, shower, polish bishop, get my protein load on, skip forward
11 AM: Dressed like a complete hobo and with a nice little 5 o'clock shadow working, I hit my favorite coffee shop. I saunter around for a minute trying to find the ideal place to set up my office. I luck out and sit down in a hot college girl's section. Let the forbidden dance of sex and lattes begin.
High Noon: The caffeine from my large sugar-free vanilla skim latte is starting to kick in. My internet productivity(blogging, emailing, job apps, illegally downloading music/porn) kicks into high gear. I slowly start to flirt with the waitress. I give her the "I'm a wierd, unemployed, eclectic writer" vibe. Shes totally diggin it. Sidenote: I've been playing this unemployed eclectic thing to critical acclaim. Personality and "standing out" trumps status/jobs/money--> all day, every day....if, if, if... you know how to work it. Take notes rich assbags.
2 PM: I'm juiced off two lattes. If you received an email from me during these hours...Well, I was feeling pretty damn good. I'd rather drunkenly email than caffeinate-ly? email. Kids, coffee and sex don't mix.
...I won't elaborate on the waitress any further. Lets leave it at this....its 2 PM on a weekday and I've hit on two women so far. I'm not sure if this is impressive, but I know when I was in the "real world" this would never happen. I can feel the awesomeness surging through my veins. MMMMM....it feels good.
...I end up having two weird Braverian beers which I DID NOT pay for. Lets just say they were on the house. :)
2:45 PM: I remember that my Mom gets off work early on Friday. Call her and we decide to meet up for drinks at a local watering hole. (I get my drankin' gene from her side of the family.) Hop in the Altima, pump some Pearl Jam (Corduroy) and speed off to continue drinking with Moms.
3:15: Meet my Mom, Step Dad and best buddy at the bar. We don't take our time and ease into the pool. The next three hours dissolves into a fun, late, drunken lunch. My orders? 1 beer, 4 Beam and Waters (my moms drink of choice), and Nachos. My buddy and I speak about many things Moms should never hear (Luckily my blog has fortified her for this). We also decide to show my parents our tough guy survival skills by hitting on waitresses. Some people have nunchuk skills, and some people can snipe any waitress, anytime. Thats us.
3:15-6 PM Highlights: A waitress fingering a banana for us (Mom was not a witness to this). Me forcing my buddy to consume 5 Crown and Diets (he not a big liquor drinker) . A former flame walking in with her co-workers(6 female teachers...more on this to come). Multiple waitresses helping my buddy and I prove our awesomeness to my Mom. Not having to pay for said drinks due to a cool Step Dad who helped us begin our night right. Thanks.
6:15 PM: Parents leave and its game time. Unfortunately I'm starting to fade although my buddy is just hitting his stride. I convince him to buy shots so I can "wake up". We rip shots of some sort of Bourbon. I feel like a phoenix rising from the ashes. This is about to get ugly.
6:20 PM: Our voices are suddenly 3 octaves higher. The General Manager begins keeping a watchful eye on us.
6:30 PM: The "waitress flirting game" is becoming less of a game and more of an almost certain reality. Again I won't elaborate as to not incriminate myself. I hold up the previously defiled banana.... I liken my banana to the Olympic torch. I do a lap around the table of teachers while holding up my banana.
6:45 PM: We start flirting with the 6 teachers and ex-flame. ALL are either married or engaged. I try to soldier on with a happy face, although I have trouble hiding how disgusted I actually am by this horrible fact. The teachers predictably love my buddy and I... Marriage.... boooooooo. Don't tease us with your hotness married women. Just get it over with and gain 50 pounds.
7:30 PM: I think I'm doing the Soulja Boy dance... memory slowly fades....
Score: Jack-1 Lame Real World-0